not really. i might sound like a horrible person for this, but life has treated me so unfairly that when people who are doing better than me have to suffer, i definitely dont take joy from it, but it doesnt bother me too much either since it sort of shows that the universe can be unforgiving to everyone. its a quick reminder that as shitty as i have it, horrible things happen to other people as well, which kind of levels the playing field in my mind. it sounds really fucked up, but after so many years of dealing with constant pain when i did nothing to deserve it, im in a place where i feel totally inferior to everyone around me, and when i see whats going on with the coronavirus situation (for example) and innocent people are dying, its a terrible thing but i find a bit of comfort knowing that this world can be cruel to anyone. of course if im close to the person or know that the person was goodhearted or struggling i'll feel really bad and have empathy, but "guilty" isnt the word to describe it since its out of my control. when its people i dont know who die or suffer, of course its horrible, but at this point its not something that bothers me much since im aware of this world's cold nature and have been on the receiving end of it for far too long.
for me, i WANT to live but feel like i HAVE to die, as theres no other way to solve my problems which make it impossible for me to enjoy life. so when i see people around me happy and having a good time, i get frustrated and want to live MORE, since i see just how great life can be, yet simultaneously i want to die once i realize i'll never be able to experience that. so that may be why i feel differently from you.
