Venting feeling guilty for wanting to make a suicidal gesture

[jigsaw_falling]

i ultimately want to die, but i've never attempted before and planning an attempt as foolproof as possible scares me, because it feels like too big of a step?

i don't know if i'm making any sense, but essentially, ctb feels something i'm not capable of doing without some kind of 'proof' to myself that i can do something that may kill me. i feel so confused and guilty about this, because am i actually suicidal if i want to attempt without killing myself?

but i just don't think i'll be mentally able to ctb without knowing i've made a suicidal gesture first?

i want to die but i don't feel ready to kill myself just yet. i feel like if i attempted, with the intention of not actually dying, but instead getting halfway there, i'd be less of a coward when it came to actually ctb for good.

 

[codedarchaeologist]

I think that's something quite common, really. It's the biggest decision and action one can make, so of course it's terrifying and unsure. If you were going to go bungee jumping, wouldn't you want to try a little practice jump before the cliff? I also think that "suicidal gesture" is a misleading term for what you're describing. "Gesture" implies it's something social, when based on what you've said, it's just meant to calm you own anxiety.

 

[exhaustedanonymous]

your journey regarding death, same as the ne regarding life, is in your control. if you'd like to make a midway attempt that's up to you and if you think it would help you in whichever way it might, you shouldn't feel forced to try to do a complete 100% guaranteed death until you're ready too. i know of a couple other people here who are trying to do sort of similar halfway attempts to see if fate tips them either way and that's valid. your experience is in your own control and you are free to do as you like :)

i think i relate to you in some ways, but in my situation if i planned an attempt that wasnt 100% i would be sent to a wilderness camp or institutionalized for months so i don't think i ever could. maybe head that as a warning that doing an attempt that others would notice and would not kill you might cause stressful situations.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

I think that's something quite common, really. It's the biggest decision and action one can make, so of course it's terrifying and unsure. If you were going to go bungee jumping, wouldn't you want to try a little practice jump before the cliff? I also think that "suicidal gesture" is a misleading term for what you're describing. "Gesture" implies it's something social, when based on what you've said, it's just meant to calm you own anxiety.

yeah, i did kind of realise "gesture" is the wrong word just didn't know how to phrase it. maybe a "suicidal gesture towards myself" is slightly more accurate lol. but thank you, it is comforting to know that im not the only person that feels like that:)

your journey regarding death, same as the ne regarding life, is in your control. if you'd like to make a midway attempt that's up to you and if you think it would help you in whichever way it might, you shouldn't feel forced to try to do a complete 100% guaranteed death until you're ready too. i know of a couple other people here who are trying to do sort of similar halfway attempts to see if fate tips them either way and that's valid. your experience is in your own control and you are free to do as you like :)

i think i relate to you in some ways, but in my situation if i planned an attempt that wasnt 100% i would be sent to a wilderness camp or institutionalized for months so i don't think i ever could. maybe head that as a warning that doing an attempt that others would notice and would not kill you might cause stressful situations.

it's hard not to feel not valid in feeling suicidal when i'm not prepared to commit to ctb, but want to stop existing so desperately, so thank u:)

and yeah, i'm definitely worried about that aspect of it, which is why i'd want it to be discreet as possible. currently id want to do a partial hanging, at night, because my parents don't come into my room, unless i'm making a lot of noise i guess.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

i feel you on this. ive done multiple smaller 'attempts' that were by no means likely to actually kill me, but i just wanted to play with the chance of dying and i wasnt ready to go all the way and do something more guaranteed lethal. that helped prepare me to escalate the risks and take bigger attempts, and helped me accept and embrace death and let go of fear of dying. im still in the same spot tho, even after years. still not quite ready to do a more guaranteed attempt, even if i had the means, but thats mainly bc i have reasons to stick around a little longer

 

[cellar door]

I understand, idk if this will help you but when you realise that you're capable of doing it (if you want to), this problem won't come back, only the time will determine how long will take to your mind to assimilate the real meaning of death and ctb

 

[Nikalas]

It could be that in your mind you want to do it, but your subconsciousness is trying to stop you, your subconsciousness doesn't want you to die so therefore your so-called "survival instincts" tell you to stop.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Be careful.

It's tough to do this halfway and still come out whole.

People here have experimented with some methods and never come back. Worse, you could wind up gravely injured and living a life worse than the one you have.

If you feel you have to, please pick a method that has little chance of succeeding and don't be afraid to call for help if you;re feeling too out of control.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think you're alone in this. I think there are lots of threads of people trying out partial hanging- even SN- to get the impression of what it feels like- how much pain and fear they'll likely have to endure before the real thing.

Obviously- some methods are likely far more risky to trial than others. I think it's a VERY bad idea to trial SN for instance but I do understand the curiousity.

Do you have a prefered method in mind?

 

[hellispink]

I advise to people not to play with fire because they will get burned. When it comes to death, things can go wrong in a second. Better to take all the courage in just one successful go. At least that is what I would do myself.

 

[jigsaw_falling]

I don't think you're alone in this. I think there are lots of threads of people trying out partial hanging- even SN- to get the impression of what it feels like- how much pain and fear they'll likely have to endure before the real thing.

Obviously- some methods are likely far more risky to trial than others. I think it's a VERY bad idea to trial SN for instance but I do understand the curiousity.

Do you have a prefered method in mind?

yeah, that's what i feel like a lot. for a preferred method, partial hanging is definitely what i'm considering the most. but i am worried it's too tricky, so if i can't figure it out, i'll ultimately probably jump of a very tall building

Be careful.

It's tough to do this halfway and still come out whole.

People here have experimented with some methods and never come back. Worse, you could wind up gravely injured and living a life worse than the one you have.

If you feel you have to, please pick a method that has little chance of succeeding and don't be afraid to call for help if you;re feeling too out of control.

i definitely want to pick a method that has the lowest risk of any permanent damage. and if i do end up dying, can't say i'll be too upset.
thank you for the advice, hopefully ill not be impulsive and make sure i don't fuck it up