Melancholys
I can't wait for my eternal slumber
- Feb 24, 2026
- 27
Today I was talking to a friend I vent to and is probably honestly the closest friend of mine, and they told me that it seems like a lot of people they know have either tried to kill themselves or succeeded, and that they usually end up helping the people feel better and then they live a better life after moving on away from them, and it just made me feel guilty tbh for the fact I'm planning to be one of those people who's going to take their own life.
I lost someone close to me myself a few days after my birthday last year from suicide (they shot themselves in the head) and it devastated me heavily even more than I already mentally am, and at this point, I feel like I miss them so badly, they were like family to me, and I can't wait to finally be able to see them again. Every day I have this calm feeling of knowing I'm going to finally be free from this pain, but I just feel guilty always when I talk or vent to my friends, none of them seem to understand how I'm feeling fully, none of them are understanding.
They just say they'd be mad at me if I disappeared, that they wouldn't forgive me fully for it, they tell me all about how everyone around them has died, and honestly it makes me feel less and less like opening up. I'm tired of hearing the same old things that it'll get better, if it gets better than it hasn't gotten better for me in the slightest as long as I've lived. I even had someone yell at me for trying to "intellectualize suicide" when I was venting and saying how I know I can't reach the same happiness they can.
I'm only holding onto my last remaining bits of my strength before I give out on my planned date now, because of my friend I mentioned, because they became depressive hearing I was planning it, I promised them I'd at least hold out as long as I could, and I pushed my date back a bit, although it's not too far out now, just 12 more days instead of today. I feel bad that I'm becoming another person in their life to take their life. I feel more and more every day like closing myself off from everyone so I won't get yelled at more, so I won't have people mad at me, so I can just die in peace and finally be free from this suffering.
It feels like I'm just being guilt tripped into living, into suffering more and more every day just for the whims of the people around me, just to do things for them while they pretend to care for me, at least most of the people around me.
I lost someone close to me myself a few days after my birthday last year from suicide (they shot themselves in the head) and it devastated me heavily even more than I already mentally am, and at this point, I feel like I miss them so badly, they were like family to me, and I can't wait to finally be able to see them again. Every day I have this calm feeling of knowing I'm going to finally be free from this pain, but I just feel guilty always when I talk or vent to my friends, none of them seem to understand how I'm feeling fully, none of them are understanding.
They just say they'd be mad at me if I disappeared, that they wouldn't forgive me fully for it, they tell me all about how everyone around them has died, and honestly it makes me feel less and less like opening up. I'm tired of hearing the same old things that it'll get better, if it gets better than it hasn't gotten better for me in the slightest as long as I've lived. I even had someone yell at me for trying to "intellectualize suicide" when I was venting and saying how I know I can't reach the same happiness they can.
I'm only holding onto my last remaining bits of my strength before I give out on my planned date now, because of my friend I mentioned, because they became depressive hearing I was planning it, I promised them I'd at least hold out as long as I could, and I pushed my date back a bit, although it's not too far out now, just 12 more days instead of today. I feel bad that I'm becoming another person in their life to take their life. I feel more and more every day like closing myself off from everyone so I won't get yelled at more, so I won't have people mad at me, so I can just die in peace and finally be free from this suffering.
It feels like I'm just being guilt tripped into living, into suffering more and more every day just for the whims of the people around me, just to do things for them while they pretend to care for me, at least most of the people around me.
