feeling guilty about being glad for my friend

[sincerelysad]

almost two years ago, a really close friend of mine committed suicide by full suspension. not a day goes by where i don't mourn her and where i don't wish i could see or speak to her one more time..
but i made a mistake recently talking to my closest friend, who was also very close with my deceased friend, by mentioning that i was glad she didn't have to suffer anymore. i mentioned that though i was very obviously upset about her passing and her not being here, i felt guilty wishing she had never ctb and parts of me do feel closure knowing that she had made the choice for herself and got to end the suffering she endured for however many years.
my friend basically guilted me for feeling this way and told me that no matter how hard she tried she couldn't bring herself to feel "happy" for our friend.
now i feel like i'm flawed and stupid and .. wrong, for finding comfort in the fact that she was able to decide for herself and that she isn't in pain anymore. i just feel like wishing she were still here for my sake is selfish and everything i stand against for myself.
am i evil for feeling this way? should i feel guilty? is there a right way to grieve?
any and all responses are welcome and appreciated immensely.

 

[MideonNViscera]

Don't feel guilty. You're being empathetic, even though it would be easier not to be.

 

[sincerelysad]

Don't feel guilty. You're being empathetic, even though it would be easier not to be.

i just wish more people understood the nuance of suicide. i wish more people would be less selfish. it doesn't make sense to me to force someone to stay who clearly wants to go. is there something wrong with me?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Your friend (who is alive) is a normie who is trying to guilt you into not being pro life. maybe their intentions are good, idk. However, your other friend was suffering. If friend A was in either of your shoes, they might feel differently.

 

[sincerelysad]

Your friend (who is alive) is a normie who is trying to guilt you into not being pro life. maybe their intentions are good, idk. However, your other friend was suffering. If friend A was in either of your shoes, they might feel differently.

thank you for this. it's been eating at me. she made me feel like i'm heartless for seeing a positive at all. my passed friend suffered for years and years and years, beyond anything we could understand. all i am is happy she isn't waking up in pain every day anymore.

 

[MideonNViscera]

i just wish more people understood the nuance of suicide. i wish more people would be less selfish. it doesn't make sense to me to force someone to stay who clearly wants to go. is there something wrong with me?

There's definitely not something wrong with you. I mean, disregarding the fact that you're on a suicide forum anyway, hah

Really though, empathy is a difficult thing to have. It's something for you to be proud of, not ashamed.

 

[sincerelysad]

There's definitely not something wrong with you. I mean, disregarding the fact that you're on a suicide forum anyway, hah

Really though, empathy is a difficult thing to have. It's something for you to be proud of, not ashamed.

thank you for this. i just have to remind myself that im on the side of empathy rather than selfishness.

 

[Drakkamora]

Honestly, don't let anyone dictate how you feel about any situation. I think your happiness for her not suffering anymore alludes to a genuine and high empathetic level for her, an understanding that many people only pretend to have.

 

[bleeeeeep]

not fair of others to call your mutual friend a 'pro-life normie' for being upset, people feel differently about these things. especially people who aren't/have never been suicidal. death and grief are difficult, no matter how much people want to pretend they aren't. that being said you shouldn't feel guilty for your feelings at all, you're not flawed for mourning in this way. it's okay to find comfort in the fact she isn't suffering any longer. i'm sorry for your loss x

 

[sincerelysad]

not fair of others to call your mutual friend a 'pro-life normie' for being upset, people feel differently about these things. especially people who aren't/have never been suicidal. death and grief are difficult, no matter how much people want to pretend they aren't. that being said you shouldn't feel guilty for your feelings at all, you're not flawed for mourning in this way. it's okay to find comfort in the fact she isn't suffering any longer. i'm sorry for your loss x

i don't think the user called her that because she is upset about our friend passing, but because she guilt tripped me for feeling the way i do.

thank you sm for your support, though. i just hate being made to feel like a bad person for grieving and loving her in the way i do, you know?

 

[FuneralCry]

No, you shouldn't feel guilty. The other person just sounds so incredibly selfish, they are the ones who are in the wrong, it's being compassionate and understanding feeling relieved that someone cannot suffer anymore, that is the way that people should view death. I see so much beauty in voluntarily leaving this world as it prevents all future torment that would had inevitably been experienced, in fact I really envy those who have left this world. They are the fortunate ones.

 

[Kurushii]

I think that everyone processes grief differently and that you definitely shouldn't feel bad about yourself for feeling closure about your friend's suffering being over. Maybe one day your friend who is alive will understand that wanting to ctb is the best option for someone. Life is just harsh and overly cruel to too many. Wishing you the best

 

[Unending]

Late response. I just wanted to agree with all the other comments. You were the empathetic person in this scenario and actually understand what your friend was going through. The friend who guilt tripped you is misinformed on the issue and lacks the conceptual understanding of suicide to properly empathize.

 

[sincerelysad]

Late response. I just wanted to agree with all the other comments. You were the empathetic person in this scenario and actually understand what your friend was going through. The friend who guilt tripped you is misinformed on the issue and lacks the conceptual understanding of suicide to properly empathize.

this was really really nice to read. thank you for the reminders.

I think that everyone processes grief differently and that you definitely shouldn't feel bad about yourself for feeling closure about your friend's suffering being over. Maybe one day your friend who is alive will understand that wanting to ctb is the best option for someone. Life is just harsh and overly cruel to too many. Wishing you the best

i hope she understands someday simply so she can feel more peace with our friend's decision. it has been very cathartic for me to remind myself that she's no longer suffering and she made her own choice and i think it could be for her, too.

 

[peaches]

almost two years ago, a really close friend of mine committed suicide by full suspension. not a day goes by where i don't mourn her and where i don't wish i could see or speak to her one more time..
but i made a mistake recently talking to my closest friend, who was also very close with my deceased friend, by mentioning that i was glad she didn't have to suffer anymore. i mentioned that though i was very obviously upset about her passing and her not being here, i felt guilty wishing she had never ctb and parts of me do feel closure knowing that she had made the choice for herself and got to end the suffering she endured for however many years.
my friend basically guilted me for feeling this way and told me that no matter how hard she tried she couldn't bring herself to feel "happy" for our friend.
now i feel like i'm flawed and stupid and .. wrong, for finding comfort in the fact that she was able to decide for herself and that she isn't in pain anymore. i just feel like wishing she were still here for my sake is selfish and everything i stand against for myself.
am i evil for feeling this way? should i feel guilty? is there a right way to grieve?
any and all responses are welcome and appreciated immensely.

Hi,
I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel a myriad of reactions and emotions.
You can feel deeply sad about losing a close friend, but also feel the enormous weight, that many of us carry, who are close to a friend who wants to end her life.
It is also reasonable to wish that your friend was still here for you, because you shared a level of depth that is very hard to explain to other people.
And then, hoping that your friend is finally no longer in pain.
It's OK to feel all of this.
But it's not OK for someone else to judge you for the complexity and range of these emotions.
Loss and grief are not one note.

 

[sincerelysad]

Hi,
I think it's perfectly reasonable to feel a myriad of reactions and emotions.
You can feel deeply sad about losing a close friend, but also feel the enormous weight, that many of us carry, who are close to a friend who wants to end her life.
It is also reasonable to wish that your friend was still here for you, because you shared a level of depth that is very hard to explain to other people.
And then, hoping that your friend is finally no longer in pain.
It's OK to feel all of this.
But it's not OK for someone else to judge you for the complexity and range of these emotions.
Loss and grief are not one note.

thank you so much, this is so validating and kind of you

 

[LookingOverTheEdge]

Grief is personal, you feel whatever you need to feel. There's no shame in that whatsoever.

Your friends grief is also valid, but they've no right to make you feel bad for yours. You seem to be experiencing a mix of emotions, and it's a hard situation, but you're trying to be empathetic and respectful of your friends decisions. That takes strength and you should be proud of yourself.

I wish you the very best

 

[spacehardware]

I lost my best friend to suicide coming up for six years ago. Grief when someone has died by suicide is a different kind of grief, in my experience. You can't be angry at a 90yr old who dies of heart failure, but you can be furious when someone dies by their own hand. I went through pretty much every emotion under the sun. Some days I was bedridden with guttural despair. Other days all I could feel was anger, both at her for leaving and at the hospital who should have been looking after her (she was inpatient in a psych ward when she ctb). But the most confusing and controversial were the days where I was so unbelievably jealous of her, that she had escaped this existence, that she had had the courage to overcome SI and be free of her demons and mental illness. She was braver than me. Then, since covid, as much as I miss her and still feel that sadness that she isn't here alongside me, I am really glad that she ctb when she did. Covid would have destroyed her. Not the virus but the lockdown, everything changing, different rules, global madness, she'd have been terrified of it all. I'm glad she got out before shit got even crazier!

I think it's totally normal what you're feeling. Grief is confusing and disorientating for anyone, let alone when you're suicidal yourself. I think the only thing that isn't normalised is talking about it. Something I've had to learn the hard way is being selective about who I share my thoughts with. That's why I'm so glad this community exists, you kindred souls understand all my dark and twisty thoughts and feelings and I don't feel like I'm burdening anyone by expressing them here.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Losing a close friend is so tough, regardless of your own struggles and opinions on life and death. If you ever want to talk to someone who's been through similar, you can DM me anytime.

 

[Pluto]

As we find in this community, death is a topic that is normally avoided by society, and suicide involves extra levels of nuance and complexity that triggers all sorts of emotions. Emotionally-charged issues range from the basic human right of choice regarding one's own body to the tragedy of people ending their lives based on some sort of erroneous belief.

My best advice is to welcome all the emotions that come without adding a story to it. The emotions will only be processed and pass if they are allowed to take over the body and be felt fully without judgement. When people try and run away from feelings, trouble starts. By welcoming them, they will eventually be integrated and processed, with the result being peace.

So yes, feel any amount of guilt or sadness or relief or whatever else is natural in the moment. It may feel uncomfortable for a time, but avoid repressing or trying to run away through distractions. I hope this helps.

 

[sincerelysad]

I lost my best friend to suicide coming up for six years ago. Grief when someone has died by suicide is a different kind of grief, in my experience. You can't be angry at a 90yr old who dies of heart failure, but you can be furious when someone dies by their own hand. I went through pretty much every emotion under the sun. Some days I was bedridden with guttural despair. Other days all I could feel was anger, both at her for leaving and at the hospital who should have been looking after her (she was inpatient in a psych ward when she ctb). But the most confusing and controversial were the days where I was so unbelievably jealous of her, that she had escaped this existence, that she had had the courage to overcome SI and be free of her demons and mental illness. She was braver than me. Then, since covid, as much as I miss her and still feel that sadness that she isn't here alongside me, I am really glad that she ctb when she did. Covid would have destroyed her. Not the virus but the lockdown, everything changing, different rules, global madness, she'd have been terrified of it all. I'm glad she got out before shit got even crazier!

I think it's totally normal what you're feeling. Grief is confusing and disorientating for anyone, let alone when you're suicidal yourself. I think the only thing that isn't normalised is talking about it. Something I've had to learn the hard way is being selective about who I share my thoughts with. That's why I'm so glad this community exists, you kindred souls understand all my dark and twisty thoughts and feelings and I don't feel like I'm burdening anyone by expressing them here.

I'm sorry for your loss OP. Losing a close friend is so tough, regardless of your own struggles and opinions on life and death. If you ever want to talk to someone who's been through similar, you can DM me anytime.

wow, thank you so much for being so personal and raw like this. it's extremely
validating to read so much of this and you have no idea how grateful i am!

 

[missingpeace]

almost two years ago, a really close friend of mine committed suicide by full suspension. not a day goes by where i don't mourn her and where i don't wish i could see or speak to her one more time..
but i made a mistake recently talking to my closest friend, who was also very close with my deceased friend, by mentioning that i was glad she didn't have to suffer anymore. i mentioned that though i was very obviously upset about her passing and her not being here, i felt guilty wishing she had never ctb and parts of me do feel closure knowing that she had made the choice for herself and got to end the suffering she endured for however many years.
my friend basically guilted me for feeling this way and told me that no matter how hard she tried she couldn't bring herself to feel "happy" for our friend.
now i feel like i'm flawed and stupid and .. wrong, for finding comfort in the fact that she was able to decide for herself and that she isn't in pain anymore. i just feel like wishing she were still here for my sake is selfish and everything i stand against for myself.
am i evil for feeling this way? should i feel guilty? is there a right way to grieve?

If you knew that this all your deceased friend wanted - freedom from this life and that she got it - you should absolutely be happy for her! Yes, she is no longer here but at least she is not in pain..and that is a celebration within itself. Your other friend is the one who is selfish, why can't pro-lifers see the suffocation that they cause from their selfishness. People need to understand letting go.