There are two great Chester Bennington interviews which I watched a thousand times after my last breakdown. I am pretty suicidal and depressed currently. My mom might had a new stroke and I fucked up my college exams. In case my mom dies I will kill myself soon. Though I think that is rather unlikely for now. But if she is disabled I am kind of in a dilemma. I would kind of like to kill myself if she was completely disabled though my horror scenario is I survive my attempt while it triggers her death.
Someone asked me recently in this forum why I still communicate my suicidality to other people. First of all because it can be relieving. Though I also made changes. I was very explicit towards my psychiatrist and told her A LOT. I won't do that again. It had no advantages for me (personally) we try with the medication the best we can already and I felt like she worried about it without a real benefit for me. I like her but I wonder none of her patients ever committed suicide (her claim) and she is very long in the business. I was really surprised by that fact. (Honestly I have to reiterate that. How is this actually possible? I know the statistics of suicide rates of different mental disorders. Did she lie? I did not really have that feeling. But how in the world is this actually possible as a psychiatrists being several decades inside the system? I have made research and I am stunned. On average a psychiatrist only experiences 5 suicides during his/her carrer. This blows my mind. I will ruminate about that and probably talk about it in other threads.)
In case my mom dies I will kill myself within the next 4 weeks without no other alternative. I tried what I wanted to try and almost everything backfired within a short amount of time. So in this scenario I might be her first patient who commits suicide after decades in this job. Towards two close friends I am completely transparent because I can fully trust them. Though for more distant friends I have different paraphrases of my personal situation. Many of them have no clue. But the two friends who know everything and one who knows a lot mean a lot to me.
So why this interview of Chester? The college stress and the health of my mom caused so much pain. I cried a lot recently. It is simply too much for me. I have some plans how to kill myself if it is necessary. I could relate a lot to two Chester interviews. Sadly there was one pretty good cutted video that summed up the most important parts of the video I linked. Though I have to say now after I watched this longer version it was sometimes misleading. The newspaper that interviewed Chester is the most disgusting newspaper in Germany. It is disgusting yellow press and I assume that they wanted to make the most profit after his death by publishing some parts of it in a very dramatic way.
I had two meeting with people of my support network recently. One of them was my psychiatrist though as always it was pretty brief and due to this short amount of time I had no real benefit of it. She gave me new pills and I got A LOt of benzos. I wonder whether the benzos could help me to beat my survivial instinct. I really wonder whether this would help. I cannot imagine that this would be a big relief for me but I don't know. I am uncertain how many of them I would take in case I kill myself soon. I had enough of them though and my method would be SN.
I was in these two meetings pretty much like fuck the world. fuck all of them. I don't like anyone, they can all go fuck themselves etc. Kind of that attitude but I still love my friends. Personally I have drawn parallels between my meetings today and this interview of Chester prior to his suicide. Sadly the other video was taken down probably of copyright sharks. The main parts I could relate to were the following minutes: 21 minutes, 23:40 minute, 30 and very much 31.
So my attempt to paraphrase it. I am a fucking broken person. I am so broken on some many different levels, recovery backfires so hard often, this is my whole life, this is part of my psyche since a decade, I am prisoner of my mind. "I have never been comfortable with being. Just being" I could not relate to all of his descriptions of depression. And my personal family and financial problems are quite different to his. Though on an existential level I could relate completely and you can feel the pain in his voice. I am not nice towards myself in my head. There is an enemy that wants to bring me down. A bully inside my own head. He kind of elaborated on his interesting theory that most of his pain is self-inflicted. He was abused as far as I know. I am ambivalent whether I would fully embrace that notion for my own mental problems. I don't want to blame me for all of that. Though for some analytical purposes it is an interesting approach.
Moreover the way he communicates is very sympathetic for me. He is for real and at the same time he jokes about it. He laughs after all those painful things he described and as he said he wants to feel the full spectrum of being a human being. He also says he wants to get rid of emotions and feelings. His words are very thoughful and deep. One recognizes that his own pain made him think a lot. It is sad to see what his eventual conclusion to his problem was. But also to that I can relate a lot.
By the way the disgusting shit newspaper the "Bild-Zeitiung" tries to take advantage of his vulnerablity in this interview. They ask very personal questions and Chester is very open just because he was a very decent person. I despise this outlet. And if one day this forum will be topic in the German media landscape they will be the first ones to express their moral outrage about this place.
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