Feeling forced into recovery. Bloody ex has incurable cancer.

[Tesha]

Rant alert.

So, I've spent years fighting with myself about CTB, as I have two younger children. I eventually came to accept my decision, knowing that my then wife would be there for them and I would be free from my pain. I suffer from c-ptsd with fairly extreme flashbacks, which eventually proved too much for my wife to handle, so she left me.

That was ok, she would still be there to look after the kids. So, I settled on my plans - I have a peaceful method, sorted out my affairs, even wrote a letter for the coroner, so they didn't make up some shit about why I killed myself. I'm literally weeks away from my d-day. Then this week, my ex was told she has incurable cancer.

I'm devastated for her, I'm devastated for our kids, but I'm also devastated for me. How can I CTB knowing I'll eventually be leaving my children with no parent. On the other hand, how can I continue to live with suicidal ideations, feeling like I'm being sexually abused everyday with my flashbacks? I'm so angry that I'm in this position now. I want to die, I want to stop feeling the pain. But I feel like I'm going to be forced to endure my own living hell for the sake of my children. My thoughts are so messed up. just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, the fucking universe throws this shit at me.

Rant over; for now.

 

[MidnightDream]

I'm so sorry

 

[Moonomyth]

That's a pretty bleak version of "staying together for the kids" as these things go. Did you find that your C-PTSD and flashbacks affected your parenting at all? I understand feeling like you need to stay present for them, but my concern, without knowing the specifics of the situation, is the possibility that the trauma making you want to CTB could also impact your effectiveness as a caregiver there.

 

[Tesha]

That's a pretty bleak version of "staying together for the kids" as these things go. Did you find that your C-PTSD and flashbacks affected your parenting at all? I understand feeling like you need to stay present for them, but my concern, without knowing the specifics of the situation, is the possibility that the trauma making you want to CTB could also impact your effectiveness as a caregiver there.

It's one of those situations where I've got to decide if I'm causing more harm being here than them not having any parents. I accept my condition has affected them, but I think infront of them I'm doing my best to hide my symptoms and desire to CTB. I'm concerned that they might eventually feel they have to 'look after me', which they certainly don't. But conversely I imagine having no parent is much worse for their lives.

I know parental suicide annd mental hWalthamstow's issues increases the risk of them taking their own lives. Selfishly in some respects I don't care, because I won't be around to watch it.

Thanks for letting me talk, I've calmed down a bit since I first found out about the diagnosis. It's just all a bit shit in every way possible…

 

[JealousOfTheElderly]

Do they have grandparents or other relatives that could care for them and become their guardians that you trust?

 

[Mocon33]

It's one of those situations where I've got to decide if I'm causing more harm being here than them not having any parents. I accept my condition has affected them, but I think infront of them I'm doing my best to hide my symptoms and desire to CTB. I'm concerned that they might eventually feel they have to 'look after me', which they certainly don't. But conversely I imagine having no parent is much worse for their lives.

I know parental suicide annd mental hWalthamstow's issues increases the risk of them taking their own lives. Selfishly in some respects I don't care, because I won't be around to watch it.

Thanks for letting me talk, I've calmed down a bit since I first found out about the diagnosis. It's just all a bit shit in every way possible…

Just the thoughts of a stranger on the internet here, but it seems to me in this situation you are just going to have to suck it up and make things work for a while. CTB will still be there in the future when they are more grown up and don't need you as much.

 

[LastFlowers]

conversely I imagine having no parent is much worse for their lives.

This much is usually true, I hate to say it..but I'm glad you recognize it.
Even kids who legitimately hate their parents' guts, may still be worse off without them in existence (obviously there are exceptions, but you get what I'm saying).

Parents who still have children that need them or depend on them (whether minors or adults) are one of the few factors in a potential suicide where I start to sway in a different direction than I normally would.

I would never have children, for various different reasons, which includes the reason of knowing that I could not fulfill my responsibility to them for dragging them into the world via my own selfish gamble.
My own parents spit in the face of that very same responsibility and have treated me as a burden, or a frustration, even though they are the ones who rolled the dice.
(This has made my situation markedly worse and even led to other incidents that compounded by initial issues/disparity.)
I've even had passive aggressive threats from my parents along the lines of "maybe I should just die/leave then, because obviously I'm not helping anything"…this coming up (with venom) as a defensive response to me bringing up my suffering and suicidality..it's a sick way of turning the tables and getting me to shut up, because even adult children who despise the hand they were dealt and how their parents treated them over it…are scared of abandonment. Parents know this and exploit it.
(Especially if the child has nobody else and is vulnerable to the goings-on of society.)

You don't sound like the type of parent who would pull that level of sick manipulation but you do admit to selfishly not caring in some respect, because you won't be there to witness the aftermath.
(In a way, this goes for all parents who will likely die before their children, it's yet another issue I have with the whole dynamic and entitled expectation.)
I think that is still a problem..but I also have compassion for someone who is stuck in a relentless cycling of hell and flashbacks.
My own waking nightmare has only become progressively worse in the present but the past still haunts me as well.

I really can't say for certain what the best course of action is for you and your children in this situation, because there are likely plenty of other private factors that would have to be considered.
The kids also don't sound as if they're of the age where you could actually have a conversation with them or give them fair warning (not that the status quo really allows for this anyway).
It's a shame that so many have to be blindsided just because this topic is wrongfully considered "taboo".

I am sorry that you are in this predicament.

 

[lonewolf22]

Rant alert.

So, I've spent years fighting with myself about CTB, as I have two younger children. I eventually came to accept my decision, knowing that my then wife would be there for them and I would be free from my pain. I suffer from c-ptsd with fairly extreme flashbacks, which eventually proved too much for my wife to handle, so she left me.

That was ok, she would still be there to look after the kids. So, I settled on my plans - I have a peaceful method, sorted out my affairs, even wrote a letter for the coroner, so they didn't make up some shit about why I killed myself. I'm literally weeks away from my d-day. Then this week, my ex was told she has incurable cancer.

I'm devastated for her, I'm devastated for our kids, but I'm also devastated for me. How can I CTB knowing I'll eventually be leaving my children with no parent. On the other hand, how can I continue to live with suicidal ideations, feeling like I'm being sexually abused everyday with my flashbacks? I'm so angry that I'm in this position now. I want to die, I want to stop feeling the pain. But I feel like I'm going to be forced to endure my own living hell for the sake of my children. My thoughts are so messed up. just when I thought my life couldn't get any worse, the fucking universe throws this shit at me.

Rant over; for now.

If your children are still very young, I'd try my best to hold off until they are at an age where they can fend for themselves. I think you have a moral duty to be there for your children even if your ex never got cancer. The only exception to this would be if you had a terminal illness. So sorry you are going through this. While many of us don't have kids we do have parents and siblings whoms feelings we are forced to consider when we think about suicide.