Venting Feeling filthy

[LivideLamb]

It's been a couple of months now. The feeling is only getting stronger and stronger. I feel so fucking filthy, it's visceral. I feel like I want to remove all of the skin on my body, wash it, and, put it on again. I want to tear out my intestines just so I can clean them and rearange them myself. I feel so fucking filthy. I wake up feeling filthy. I go to bed feeling filthy. I exfoliate everyday, never missed a day for months now, to try to ease this mental feeling, but, as you can guess, it doesn't work. Scratching never works. I know where it come from. I know that there's a chance that it might disapear... But, it is here, and, it is eating me alive, I feel fucking filthy

Does anyone else feel that way ? Incredibly filthy ? Did anyone overcame it ?

 

[SmollMushroom]

I don't think I can relate up to your level of filthiness, I'm sorry.
I guess if I don't take a shower for many days then I feel filthy. Also I tend to wash my hands quite a lot because I often feel them dirty.
I especially dislike acidentaly touching oily stuff because it doesn't get washed away easily.
But if you feel it inside you, maybe there are some meds that can help you?
I don't know if it's a common thing, probably not... I never felt dirty on the inside.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Personally, I have no way of doing so, as that would require extracting me and the rest of the CNS/brain from the source of that filth and placing me into a new vessel of my choice (preferably a synthetic/non-organic one). Even then, it wouldn't erase the trauma associated with it.

A bit like robocop?
I hope in the future people will be able to do that but I don't see it coming anytime soon imo.

 

[voyager]

A cyborg body wouldn't be so bad or a custom tailored genetically engineered humanoid replicant designed especially for your needs.

Sorry, LivideLamb, only know this feeling from either not washing or when I had my colon full of polyps. Let's just say one feels like a barrel of walking shit.

 

[venin.n]

It's been a couple of months now. The feeling is only getting stronger and stronger. I feel so fucking filthy, it's visceral. I feel like I want to remove all of the skin on my body, wash it, and, put it on again. I want to tear out my intestines just so I can clean them and rearange them myself. I feel so fucking filthy. I wake up feeling filthy. I go to bed feeling filthy. I exfoliate everyday, never missed a day for months now, to try to ease this mental feeling, but, as you can guess, it doesn't work. Scratching never works. I know where it come from. I know that there's a chance that it might disapear... But, it is here, and, it is eating me alive, I feel fucking filthy

Does anyone else feel that way ? Incredibly filthy ? Did anyone overcame it ?

I'm feeling like a thrash-can, but on the inside

Can I ask what caused it?

Hugs

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I can definitely relate to this. I usually shower everyday when I'm not too exhausted by bouts of depression, yet I understand the feelings you describe.
I feel uncomfortable in this body, and with all of the things that are going on inside and outside of it.
I hate the fact that we have to eat and drink and then have all those disgusting organs do their thing and then expell waste outside of us.
I hate that we have millions of bacteria inside of us and outside of us living on our skin and orifices.
I despise this flesh - prison meat suit.
I wish I could crawl out of it forever.

 

[venin.n]

I can definitely relate to this. I usually shower everyday when I'm not too exhausted by bouts of depression, yet I understand the feelings you describe.
I feel uncomfortable in this body, and with all of the things that are going on inside and outside of it.
I hate the fact that we have to eat and drink and then have all those disgusting organs do their thing and then expell waste outside of us.
I hate that we have millions of bacteria inside of us and outside of us living on our skin and orifices.
I despise this flesh - prison meat suit.
I wish I could crawl out of it forever.

I also despise the flesh

 

[LivideLamb]

I don't think I can relate up to your level of filthiness, I'm sorry.
I guess if I don't take a shower for many days then I feel filthy. Also I tend to wash my hands quite a lot because I often feel them dirty.
I especially dislike acidentaly touching oily stuff because it doesn't get washed away easily.
But if you feel it inside you, maybe there are some meds that can help you?
I don't know if it's a common thing, probably not... I never felt dirty on the inside.

Feeling physically fitlhy is also prett annoying. Though, a hot long shower helps me

This inside filthiness is a quite a precide feeling, I don't really know how to explain it. Though, meds don't help with that. At least, not my meds

A cyborg body wouldn't be so bad or a custom tailored genetically engineered humanoid replicant designed especially for your needs.

Sorry, LivideLamb, only know this feeling from either not washing or when I had my colon full of polyps. Let's just say one feels like a barrel of walking shit.

A cybord, cold, metallic body perhaps wouldn't be bad sometimes. I really think it could help. Some sort of internal switch where those feeling wouldn't be so bad

I'm feeling like a thrash-can, but on the inside

Can I ask what caused it?

Hugs

Hugs to you too

I don't really know if I can go in great details, I'm paranoid, and, don't really want to risk anything. But, I have done things, and all of the consequences from those specific things are too much to handle. I feel like I'm managing them easier those past few days. But, I know that I need a way out ; I need one to feel safe, if that makes sense. My morals are all of fucked up all of the sudden

I can definitely relate to this. I usually shower everyday when I'm not too exhausted by bouts of depression, yet I understand the feelings you describe.
I feel uncomfortable in this body, and with all of the things that are going on inside and outside of it.
I hate the fact that we have to eat and drink and then have all those disgusting organs do their thing and then expell waste outside of us.
I hate that we have millions of bacteria inside of us and outside of us living on our skin and orifices.
I despise this flesh - prison meat suit.
I wish I could crawl out of it forever.

If I may say so, I think it's a really poetic way to put it. I really love it. I wish everything would be simpler for all of us

I can definitely relate to this. I usually shower everyday when I'm not too exhausted by bouts of depression, yet I understand the feelings you describe.
I feel uncomfortable in this body, and with all of the things that are going on inside and outside of it.
I hate the fact that we have to eat and drink and then have all those disgusting organs do their thing and then expell waste outside of us.
I hate that we have millions of bacteria inside of us and outside of us living on our skin and orifices.
I despise this flesh - prison meat suit.
I wish I could crawl out of it forever.

If I may say so, I think it's a really poetic way to put it. I really love it. I wish everything would be simpler for all of us

 

[springleaf]

maybe it could be a type of OCD, contamination / mental contamination OCD perhaps..? i mean that's what i've experienced in the past, though i've only felt internally filthy before, and i was thinking about making myself throw up (though i never actually did that, i usually just make myself cough). but it sounds to me like what you're doing could definitely fit some OCD criteria.

 

[Kit1]

I have something similar. Often I would feel extremely dirty and contaminated - I feel that anyway, but at times it is so overwhelming and I would spend a long time showering, washing clothes etc. It is worse after having certain flashbacks and nightmares of being raped as a child. During the intense periods, I can become quite suicidal as well. Sometimes these geelings are related to our past experiences as well.

 

[vuberpoot1]

I can relate to that feeling. I have a lot of guilt from the bad things I've done in my life. Even though I know no one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes, I feel like my soul is unclean or something. Like the mistakes I've made aren't forgivable ones, and I'm going to have to deal with those stains and scars forever. It's hard to live with myself, but what always makes it worse for me is thinking about how people that are important to me view me. I feel rotten, like a disease, and that the people I love can see it and don't want to be tainted by me.

I've tried helping myself, tried reflecting, being kind, generous, honest. In the end, I don't think anything can wash that feeling away. Like I'm just an inherently nasty person.

But maybe that's okay. I dunno.

 

[tidal1]

I was sexually assaulted back when I was 19, so I definitely relate to your feelings of filthiness. It's hard to describe but it follows you everywhere you go. You can't feel at peace with yourself. It's constantly unsettling, and I often find that I would like to jump out of my skin or run away from myself. The problem is you can't. You can't escape your body. You can't wash off the filthiness. It permeates to your core and the pain is profound.

 

[LivideLamb]

I have something similar. Often I would feel extremely dirty and contaminated - I feel that anyway, but at times it is so overwhelming and I would spend a long time showering, washing clothes etc. It is worse after having certain flashbacks and nightmares of being raped as a child. During the intense periods, I can become quite suicidal as well. Sometimes these geelings are related to our past experiences as well.

I'm extremely sorry you had to live through that... No one should live through that. No one. I think about some of my actions, some things that I've done in my life, and, I just want to scrub

I can relate to that feeling. I have a lot of guilt from the bad things I've done in my life. Even though I know no one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes, I feel like my soul is unclean or something. Like the mistakes I've made aren't forgivable ones, and I'm going to have to deal with those stains and scars forever. It's hard to live with myself, but what always makes it worse for me is thinking about how people that are important to me view me. I feel rotten, like a disease, and that the people I love can see it and don't want to be tainted by me.

I've tried helping myself, tried reflecting, being kind, generous, honest. In the end, I don't think anything can wash that feeling away. Like I'm just an inherently nasty person.

But maybe that's okay. I dunno.

I relate to that on such a visceral level. I also feel like all of those stains are gonna last forever. I'm deeply afraid of that. I also feel rotten to the core. I erally wish we could scrub that filthyness. I hate howw I'm not the only one feeling that way, no one should feel like that. I hate it. I hate how we're all suffering in some way...

I was sexually assaulted back when I was 19, so I definitely relate to your feelings of filthiness. It's hard to describe but it follows you everywhere you go. You can't feel at peace with yourself. It's constantly unsettling, and I often find that I would like to jump out of my skin or run away from myself. The problem is you can't. You can't escape your body. You can't wash off the filthiness. It permeates to your core and the pain is profound.

I like that image, that it follows us wherever we go... That in one way, or, the other, it's there ; it's always there somewhere. I don't know how long I will live with it, I want to feel pure and naive again