feeling drained don't want to talk to people - just a rant

[tiredplant777]

I've been feeling hopeless and nearly catatonic most days. I'm tired. The last thing I can do is be a supportive person. My friend was going through some stuff and wanted to talk on the phone, but I have found that when we talk it often feels like it's a long therapy session, and while I feel that my friend should be able to talk about her stuff I'm really not someone who can handle that weight atm. I've been telling her I've been too depressed to talk bc it's true, and I noticed over the past two years that when I'm in situations where I'm offering one sided support I end up feeling even worse and it effects me for days. When other friends need support but the friendship feels more balanced it doesn't get to me. Every time I talk with this person we are talking about heavy things or conflicts. There isn't a balance. With other people I know it's a mix of things, if that makes sense. I told this person I wasn't in a good place to talk last night, and they messaged today saying they really wanted to talk with me. I know that it should be okay if I say no, but I don't want to have to say no again. I get boundaries and stuff and I shouldn't feel guilty for having boundaries and that's not my friend's fault that I have a hard time with that stuff. I'm just really worn out and I wish people would get that and leave me alone. I also wish things like this didn't effect me so much. I just feel like it's hard, I've been through a lot of things my friends can't handle even me mildly bringing up, so I don't get any support for that stuff. So when they want support from me that is one sided I just shut down/disassociate, and being so disassociated is just really hard to navigate, and I'm tired of feeling so empty and grey from the disassociation.

 

[GentleJerk]

You have put into brilliant words here, something that I experience frequently. It's extremely exhausting, and it takes advantage of your very kind nature. It's like feeding all your precious energy into a one way black hole sometimes.

I see friendships and relationships with people like a bank account of sorts. There needs to be a certain amount of gold coming in, if you want to keep spending. If you receive nothing, you will send yourself broke if you keep giving. Some people make a large deposits into the friendship account, therefore you can afford to withdraw much more for them. Some people just take more than they give and leave you in the red. You need to limit spending with these people.

And always beware a hungry ghost, who is forever starving and can never be full.

 

[tiredplant777]

You have put into brilliant words here, something that I experience frequently. It's extremely exhausting, and it takes advantage of your very kind nature. It's like feeding all your precious energy into a one way black hole sometimes.

I see friendships and relationships with people like a bank account of sorts. There needs to be a certain amount of gold coming in, if you want to keep spending. If you receive nothing, you will send yourself broke if you keep giving. Some people make a large deposits into the friendship account, therefore you can afford to withdraw much more for them. Some people just take more than they give and leave you in the red. You need to limit spending with these people.

And always beware a hungry ghost, who is forever starving and can never be full.

Hey thank you so much. I'm sorry you experience this frequently too. Yeah like I do have other friends who might be going through stuff and we will talk about it, but I don't feel drained, because most other times with these friends I'm like just talking about other stuff and we will joke around and stuff too. I have another friend who has severe depression but there is still balance, they don't wear me out at all, so it's not about that stuff either, there really is something draining about some people. I had a roommate for a while who was draining for me also, and living with them while dealing with my own stuff seriously messed me up. Each day I never knew what I would walk into, and it was exhausting, but my own stuff they couldn't really handle much. I think you're so right about friendships and relationships being like bank accounts. Last time this friend and I spoke I also checked the time and noticed that this was a lot of heavy subject matter and also lasted way longer than a regular therapy session would last. I noticed too that especially in that conversation I seriously numbed out and I noticed I couldn't make myself care, so I was pretending to care. I really don't want to be that kind of person. I'm noticing that when this person has reached out to me the past few days I enter that numbed out space.

I know my nervous system is responding to the words they used, and it doesn't sound like they just want to chat but they really need my support. I don't think they mean to pressure me? But it kind of feels like pressure, I mean I think they just really want someone they can talk to. I'm just having a really hard time right now and I feel weird that after telling them how I've been struggling that they are asking again.