Feeling differently suicidal

[CynicalHopelessness]

Several weeks ago I had a bad depression relapse with few days of extreme apathy, where I'd just go to bed after finishing working and lay there with nothing feeling worth doing. It's over now, but during the relapse I've decided that I'm finishing my current work contract, then living off savings for a few months, then killing myself by the end of next year, or early 2022, depending of how things go.

Since I've decided on working on dying, I feel zero distress. In fact, it's more calming than anything to think about CTB. I don't feel like complaining about my life, and I don't care that much about little things that made me dislike myself (e.g. overeating). I just would prefer having never been alive, even on best days I get. Also, I have something I want to work towards in the future, unlike past years of my life, even if it might sound grim to a "normie". I'm leaving a possibility for something radical to happen before I choose to die, but that's really unlikely, so I'll probably be dead.

Also, the weight of needing to justify my decision is lifted now. I just want to quit what's going on and what has been going on for over a decade by now. My existence is a burden and I want to end it, period.

I'm quite satisfied with this change, but I'm wondering now if I'm not going insane and if anybody has gone through similar thought process.

 

[aukguy]

Hi - It sounds pretty hopeful. Knowing that things could change for the better means you are not feeling totally hopeless. Good luck!

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I remember you saying you were in recovery a while back so it's unfortunate to hear this. I'm in a similar boat though. I'm also waiting a set period of time for things to change before I pull the trigger so to speak.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

You don't sound insane to me. You sound unburdened.

I think it's the insanity of society that demands we be burdened. The Greek chorus gets pissed when someone is not. That's their burden.

And yet I actually get pissed at Gautama for shedding the burdens of his wife and son, who he named Fetter, to go off and seek the answer to freedom from suffering. I get pissed at him for not owning up that his perfect teaching was not perfect when a bunch of monks got so worked up hating their bodies that they committed suicide; his response: here's an antidote to the problem. No remorse, no mourning. This is why I call him Gautama instead of the Buddha, which means "the perfectly enlightened one." But hey, blame comes from hatred and delusion, right? It's on me. The dude demanded at his death that he be given the same burial as high royalty; I do my Greek chorus thing, I point the finger and say, "J'accuse, hypocrite!" I'm burdened by my resentment. It's no burden on him.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I appreciate that you shared your experience.

I also felt extremely calm and relieved after my SN arrived, for a couple of days. Knowing that I could exit at any time unburdened me.

Just out of curiosity, are there any forum members who managed to improve their personal/ professional/ mental health situation by knowing they had this exit option available at hand? I would imagine that it can make one less anxious and more open to various possibilities in their lives.

Maybe some thoughts for a separate thread.

 

[Zappfe lover]

Several weeks ago I had a bad depression relapse with few days of extreme apathy, where I'd just go to bed after finishing working and lay there with nothing feeling worth doing. It's over now, but during the relapse I've decided that I'm finishing my current work contract, then living off savings for a few months, then killing myself by the end of next year, or early 2022, depending of how things go.

Since I've decided on working on dying, I feel zero distress. In fact, it's more calming than anything to think about CTB. I don't feel like complaining about my life, and I don't care that much about little things that made me dislike myself (e.g. overeating). I just would prefer having never been alive, even on best days I get. Also, I have something I want to work towards in the future, unlike past years of my life, even if it might sound grim to a "normie". I'm leaving a possibility for something radical to happen before I choose to die, but that's really unlikely, so I'll probably be dead.

Also, the weight of needing to justify my decision is lifted now. I just want to quit what's going on and what has been going on for over a decade by now. My existence is a burden and I want to end it, period.

I'm quite satisfied with this change, but I'm wondering now if I'm not going insane and if anybody has gone through similar thought process.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

For me I was stressed and desperate to die for a long time, but I never did anything because I was never able to focus enough. Now my mental state is a lot clearer and I can commit to dying properly. Can't exactly say I'm happy about this but yee haw.

 

[Alucard]

Depression = a lucid life.

 

[DeadButDreaming]

The last time I made the decision to ctb I had a tremendous peace and calm fall over me. All my anxieties and troubles melted away.

Unfortunately, I was guilt-tripped into living. Now I am as troubled and tense as ever.