Feeling conflicted and hopeless with birthday coming up in roughly 2 hours time

[nitrogenous]

It's almost my birthday and a few days ago, I know this is what has kept me safe until now and made me delay my plan to ctb. But now that my birthday is approaching really soon, I feel so conflicted, there's a wide range of emotions inside of me—fear, numbness, regret, sadness and doubt. I want to sincerely belief that life can get better and that I can finally start enjoying life; but in the past every time a "solution" or glimmer of hope comes up, it always turns out to be fake, and if any would just make me feel worse off than before.

Could someone here borrow me their hope that I can go through this and that I can finally stop being in my fight and flight mode? That I can start healing both mentally and physically? I would appreciate any kind words or tips as I feel very hopeless… I really want to give myself another chance before I make that really big decision of ending my life with SN…

 

[ForeverUnknown]

If you keep delaying then there is a sliver of hope in you. You can start healing, i'm sure of it. How? The feeling of wanting hope to keep going, is the very same strength you use to keep moving forward.

 

[whywere]

A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!!

You are a strong, loving, ever so kind and caring soul, you have this!!!!

You ARE family and a good friend, and without you, here helping me and my darn 24/7 chronic pain being family to me when I have no one, you ARE VERY valuable.

Again, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Walter