Apparently this site will shut down soon. Got the resources I need from it just in time I guess. Something happened to me this month, I connected with people, probably more than I ever have in my life. I connected with people for me, for myself. I'm not used to that. I've been trying to get secure with people all my life. I had the best parents and sibling a person could ask for. But outside my family I never got secure. It was always rough and tumble, competition, people wanting to do each other in. Maybe I could have turned out like that too, but I always tried to work from the basis of getting on with someone. The people, the groups I went through weren't interested in doing that with me. I accept that now. When I made a post on here feeling down the other day, someone told me I was 'that mentally ill'. Who knows, they could be right. A lifetime of being knocked around down and out to the extent where you know your life is non existent, stuck doing elementary educational courses that will lead to nothing in life. Maybe going through all of that does make a perfectly sane person mentally ill. Maybe it is a sign of nothing but pure unfiltered unhinged mental illness that leads a person to suicide. Maybe the decision to commit suicide is in itself a manifestation of mental illness. Maybe every user on this site is mentally ill. Who knows. All I know is the extent I want to die, on the back of the terrible life I have had, just feels normal. Its a sunny day where I am right now. If I told someone professional how I was feeling they'd tell me to go for a walk and enjoy the sunshine. I'm tempted to do that while jumping off a road interchange that I know would kill me, I've read news reports of people doing the exact same thing, in the same place. I guess when I kill myself I want to die in peace, privacy, dignity, no news coverage, no drastic action. I just haven't figured out how I truly feel about SN yet, despite having it stockpiled to make an attempt. Not sure if the house I'm at is suitable to refurbish so when I die my parents won't be overburdened with grief to an extent where they can't sell the house. It all plays on my mind but at the same time I think I'm finally ready to feel independent with it, I don't think I need any form of connection with anyone else to just go for it. Maybe that's how you know you're really ready to die, you just don't need any connection. I will deactivate some of my accounts soon, best wishes to those struggling with similar difficulties and know that judgement can be resisted, even when it comes from people who are also suicidal but choose to dish it out on whoever they can.
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