Feeling calmer as it's gets closer...

[dimgobaith]

It's strange, my ctb date is getting closer and I seem to be calmer aboug everything.
I've cried less and smiled more, ive managed to get everyone to think I'm
carrying on as normal ( I think).

Is it weird I'm even a little excited about it? I'll hopefully be warm, listening to or watching a favourite film, had some good food and hopefully slip away peacefully.
I kind of hope it's a clear night and I can face the window and see the stars.

I have my place, my method, my date and now that I do I seem to have accepted everything. The panic attacks about life have gone mostly away for now.

Anyone else feel more level once everything has been settled?
The situation I need to ctb to solve will never go away so it's not that I've found a reason to live

 

[sevennn]

i feel the same as you sometimes

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine it must be a relief to feel more calmer, I hope that you find what you are searching for.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I def understand the feelings!

you're going to have an entirely new experience. excited etc feelings make sense to me.

 

[TennTrixie]

Do you mind sharing your method? I'm feeling more anxious as it gets closer, because I'm worried it may fail.

 

[TAW122]

I think partially it is probably making peace with that fact that everything is all going to be over, the problems associated with life (sentience) itself, the suffering, and nothing will matter anymore. I had a similar feeling in 2019, then if things went to shit, I would just CTB. I even planned out my CTB to a 'T' including vividly walking through how I'd carry it out to the exact detail. If things in 2019 went to shit, I would have CTB'd in May 2019.

 

[dimgobaith]

Do you mind sharing your method? I'm feeling more anxious as it gets closer, because I'm worried it may fail.

Nothing exciting or extravagant. My original plan was inert gas but funds no constrain me to CO.
I'll get my charcoal etc ready, clear my car. Park it somewhere that means nothing to anyone but me. I don't want to desecrate or taint anywhere that brings enjoyment, beauty or fulfilment to anyone else, or anywhere where someone might find solace.

It's at the top of a hill, down a long track with a gate at the end that I have the key to. On a clear night you can see stars for miles and listen to the owls. The sunsets are beautiful there and it's also where i made the biggest mistake of my life and ruined everything

The charcoal will be in it's brazier stood in water so nothing else catches fire. Placed in the flat of the boot.

I have alcohol and sleeping meds to knock me out. . . I know there's holes on the method and it'd not perfect but it's what I have available. I don't have the bottle to jump off the nearest bridge or under a train, both of which have been done recently in my area.

 

[Tombs_in_your_eyes]

No, I don't think it's weird at all to be calmer and a bit excited - especially when you're feeling firm in your mind about your decision. I think that's a perfectly natural reaction to seeing an end to your suffering (whether that end is death, or through life, somehow). There's also a lot of peace to be found, I think, in making your mind up about it one way or the other.

I'm feeling similarly to you. Since I decided I would CTB after my favorite person dies (they are terminally ill), I am handling the anticipatory grief better, and we are able to spend more time together where I can actually focus on them / the activity we're sharing, instead of just endlessly crying as usual. I can see that it's making life much easier for them.

Also - I like your username - are you Welsh (/speaking)? (ignore me if you don't want to give biographical info out here)

 

[AuroraB]

THIS PART RIGHT HERE: "Park it somewhere that means nothing to anyone but me. I don't want to desecrate or taint anywhere that brings enjoyment, beauty or fulfilment to anyone else, or anywhere where someone might find solace." Gorgeous. I feel exactly the same way.