refractiongirl
my metamorphosis will be
- Mar 7, 2026
- 11
i just want a place to complain about this, because it's such an insufferable soul-sucking feeling.
the only things that i consider a reprieve from my depression are my hyperfixations/special interests. they're basically the only reason i haven't CTBed yet outside of my fear, and they're almost the only thing that gives me any bit of happiness in life. for example, at the moment i'm hyperfixated on a livestreamer. when watching his streams, i feel like i'm on cloud 9, absolutely overjoyed, every suicidal or self-hating thought vanishes from my mind. but the very moment he ends stream, not even a minute after, i instantly start fantasizing about how much i want to hurt or kill myself.
i understand that of course this temporary happiness will always dissapear since there's no actual substance to it, it doesn't improve my overall life or anything, but i just wish i could bask in my joy for more than a couple seconds before going back to normal. it's such a frustrating feeling to finally feel like a normal person and then have your brain immediately take that feeling back from you.
i almost wish it didn't make me feel happy in the first place now, because it disrupts my understanding that i will never be truly happy, and then often makes me feel even worse than i started because for just a little bit i get to understand what joy feels like before i go back to the real world.
i'm not sure how to end this off, i'm just really distraught by it all. other people feel like this too, right? i'm not the only one who feels a little bit of happiness and then ends up worse off mentally than before?
the only things that i consider a reprieve from my depression are my hyperfixations/special interests. they're basically the only reason i haven't CTBed yet outside of my fear, and they're almost the only thing that gives me any bit of happiness in life. for example, at the moment i'm hyperfixated on a livestreamer. when watching his streams, i feel like i'm on cloud 9, absolutely overjoyed, every suicidal or self-hating thought vanishes from my mind. but the very moment he ends stream, not even a minute after, i instantly start fantasizing about how much i want to hurt or kill myself.
i understand that of course this temporary happiness will always dissapear since there's no actual substance to it, it doesn't improve my overall life or anything, but i just wish i could bask in my joy for more than a couple seconds before going back to normal. it's such a frustrating feeling to finally feel like a normal person and then have your brain immediately take that feeling back from you.
i almost wish it didn't make me feel happy in the first place now, because it disrupts my understanding that i will never be truly happy, and then often makes me feel even worse than i started because for just a little bit i get to understand what joy feels like before i go back to the real world.
i'm not sure how to end this off, i'm just really distraught by it all. other people feel like this too, right? i'm not the only one who feels a little bit of happiness and then ends up worse off mentally than before?
that emotional reliance on a special interest when it doesn't even bring you joy must be absolutely miserable, i feel for you a lot, i hope whether you end up ctbing or recovering you find peace in the end regardless. <3
