Feeling abandoned

[Mayerling86]

I had a mini breakdown the other day infront of my partner because of something he'd done that really broke my trust, and i finally told him (the only person who knows) how bad i really feel. I couldnt not because i went from being this emotionally strong, calm and happy individual (my front i show everyone) to a sobbing, shaking wreck in the middle of the street. He promised me he would take care and ensure i would be made to feel like there was lots to live for. His children are over and he went to go ape with them yesterday. I had a bit of an episode yesterday where i dwelled on what he'd done and i sent him a load of texts asking him to reassure me he wasn't there with the other woman hed met up with (platonic now but still an ex... I only found out about them meeting up with the kids the other day... I didn't even know she existed) and i only got a call at 8pm to say i was over thinking things. I then messaged him quite a few more texts telling him how much i was hurting over it all and they got read and ignored. He hasnt read my desperate message i sent him at 3am and hes ignoring my calls and messages now. I havent cut myself for 11 years and i just did now because im really struggling. He really was the only thing helping me get by and i opened up to him and i now feel like an unwanted liability and nuisance thats been pushed aside. It's really breaking my heart. Has anyone else opened up to someone and been made to feel unwanted directly after?

 

[Soul]

I'm sorry you're suffering,
@Mayerling86. All I can do is offer you a virtual (((hug))) and ask you what you can do instead of cutting to get back to some equilibrium until your partner reappears and you can talk. It's not okay to leave you incommunicado but maybe your partner feels upset too and doesn't know how to respond to the strong emotions between you right now. Is there a friend or family member you can talk to instead of trying to contact your partner?

 

[Mayerling86]

I'm sorry you're suffering,
@Mayerling86. All I can do is offer you a virtual (((hug))) and ask you what you can do instead of cutting to get back to some equilibrium until your partner reappears and you can talk. It's not okay to leave you incommunicado but maybe your partner feels upset too and doesn't know how to respond to the strong emotions between you right now. Is there a friend or family member you can talk to instead of trying to contact your partner?

Your response made me cry i was so moved. Ive only been on here a few days and the love and support expressed to one another on here... It's so much more so than the real world.

He called me literally a few seconds after i posted this. It's ok... I think. We will talk tonight hopefully but he said i need help professionally. Its the worst thing to be told that. For me anyway. It makes me feel pathetic. I know he means well but i dont want a therapist. Ive tried them and because of this barrier i have, i just sit there or i make jokes or self deprecate with sarcasm. It will never work for me. Its also why i wouldnt be able to reach out to anyone else. I have many close friends, but none know how i really feel. You see, im the go to advice and vent to person. And the bubbly, fun loving social animal who is always laughing and enjoying life. No one would ever know that i contemplate ending it all so often. So when i get like this, im alone. I have you guys now though

 

[Soul]

I'm glad he phoned you. Maybe he'd agree to go with you to a therapist, at least for some of the sessions? I understand what you mean about that barrier but if you find someone good they'll guide you past that. Maybe your partner's presence would alter the dynamics in a helpful way.

 

[Mayerling86]

I'm glad he phoned you. Maybe he'd agree to go with you to a therapist, at least for some of the sessions? I understand what you mean about that barrier but if you find someone good they'll guide you past that. Maybe your partner's presence would alter the dynamics in a helpful way.

Perhaps. I dont know. Even the thought makes my anxiety shoot through the roof and i physically tense up at the idea of talking. After crying to him i felt so dirty and exposed. And i was angry. Furious, that he'd seen me in that state. I dont think anyone is weak for feeling this way. Far, far from it. But for some reason, with myself.... It makes me feel... I can't really articulate it. Ashamed id say. Perhaps this community can be my therapy. And regardless whether i stay or go, im so happy i found this place. :) thankyou for your suggestion

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I would say to pay attention to his actions and not his words, and to listen to your gut (and nothing else) when something feels off.

Do you have internal or external support if you discover he is not trustworthy or is not as committed to the relationship as you are?

 

[Mayerling86]

I would say to pay attention to his actions and not his words, and to listen to your gut (and nothing else) when something feels off.

Do you have internal or external support if you discover he is not trustworthy or is not as committed to the relationship as you are?

Hi love, no... Not really. I really struggle with breakups. I would really find this one difficult to endure if it came to that. But we shall see x