![sannoji](/data/avatars/l/62/62794.jpg?1683284464)
sannoji
dreaming of flying
- May 4, 2023
- 55
i think for as long as i've been alive, i've always felt like a liar. it's not like i'm lying for no reason, i learned very quickly that if what i think differs from the norm (as a kid, my parents) then i should keep it to myself, to be safe. but it's strange, i feel like i don't know how to be authentic any more. i'm not sure what caused it, but every time i think of doing something, i only base it on what other people will think. everything from hobbies, to actual crimes. it's like i don't have any sort of internal moral compass. nothing is just "wrong" to me, i don't ever think my actions are truly bad, i'm just able to recognise that other people don't like it. if i have the desire, and i know i can get away with it, i'll just do it without hesitation. it's not really a moral compass. i've found myself thinking "if no one knows about it, then i never did anything wrong." it's not like i've even done anything heinous, even by other people's standards. but it makes me acutely aware of the gap between myself and others. my social standing, my friendships, the things that keep me from just killing myself right here, all depend on the charade that i'm like everyone else. maybe i'm not a good actor. maybe i don't feel like a proper human. i don't know what to think of myself. i don't even feel guilty about any of this. for as long as i've lived, i've only thought about getting caught, and i know other people don't think like that. i really don't get it.