Dear WaffleMan,
Thank you for sharing a part of your struggles. It is heartbreaking to read and I think many of us are on a similar journey with you.
Recovery is not a linear process and the battle between the wish to end our life and the quest to recover is itself a constant painful battle. All we can do is keep trying. This week alone, I have gone from just coping, to feeling quite suicidal and taking an overdose that I am still feeling the impact from (and stopping after a few meds as the thought of my children was always a pull back to planet earth for me) to now trying to see how long I can last on this recovery stage (whilst still longing to end it).
It is a complex journey and a painful one for often we don't actually realise whether we will be dancing with death or surviving with hope. This site strangely keeps some of us alive as it is a shared space for some of us to talk about how we feel without running the risk of being locked up for our thoughts, for being judged and condemned for our feelings - but sometimes the some conversations can make us feel as though we are inadequate in our indecisiveness - but that might be because we ourselves are yoyoing with our feelings and intent.
If you ever want to chat, please do reach out. I hope that you and everyone else who are in a similar position find peace in whichever form that we decide to take.
Best wishes
