thelittleprincess
New Member
- Dec 5, 2025
- 4
There comes a time in life when you just have to realize that you're gonna die alone.
For me this realization came maybe twenty minutes ago, after crying my eyes out and self-harming so bad I actually stained the carpet a little.
Just a year ago, I was happy, content with life, I had a best friend, a decent relationship with my parents, had never touched any drugs or really been much into alcohol.
I just wish I had ended it all when I planned to back in July. I wanted to die on my birthday, never having even had my first kiss. My best friend (I'll call him R) and I were not super close at the time, it felt like we were drifting apart despite being best friends for seven or eight years. I gave away my treasured guitar to a coworker who I had feelings for that were not reciprocated. He asked why and I brushed it off. I cried that entire day. My 18th birthday was on the fourth of August and I planned to drive out to a place I used to stargaze, surrounded by empty fields for miles around. I would cut my wrists there and let myself bleed out. I knew at the time that this wasn't the best method of dying, because the blood can clot and you can't really reach the real arteries, but I think I didn't really want to die at first.
I have a bad habit of wanting attention. I have always been an attention seeker. I am not proud of this, but it is a fact about me and has caused so many fights with R over the years. So when I first decided I wanted to kill myself, I decided I would only half-ass the attempt. Maybe call 911 on myself while bleeding out so I could be saved. I wanted to give people a scare, maybe make them realize how awfully they'd been treating me. My entire family very clearly plays favorites, and the favorite was never me. I remind them too much of my oldest sister, who was too "rebellious" and left the religion that my family grew up in. My sister that was two years older than me, not the oldest, was the golden child. I had to listen to my family talk about how she was overworking herself, not eating enough, not getting enough sleep, while I would starve myself for days on end because she mentioned I looked overweight. While I would stay up all night texting my suicidal friend who'd get so drunk she could barely think straight, and since we were in different time zones it was always day for her while it was night for me.
Rant about favoritism over, back to the story. I know people have it worse than me, I'm not denying that. I feel almost guilty for wanting to die so badly.
Later in that week, I met someone who changed my mind. He gave me so much hope for the future. He treated me normally, not pressuring me into anything, just made me feel like I actually mattered. And that's all it took. I decided to live.
And here I am, months later, post-breakup. R encouraged me to break up, said my boyfriend wasn't good enough for me. All he did was push my boundaries sometimes in regards to sexual things. I could have handled it. I don't think I made the right choice. I don't think I'll find anyone better.
And now, R texts me randomly, saying "taking a break for a few days gang". Genuinely, this broke me. I never see him in person because he lives out of town and my shitty car can't go on highways. Maybe I've been bothering him too much. Since I just lost my boyfriend, who I talked to constantly, I probably ended up talking to R a lot more than I normally would. Maybe I wore him out? I asked him why and he just said he's taking a break from people. Bullshit. We have a mutual friend, I asked her, and she said he never said anything like that to her. He's taking a break from me. I don't know what I did wrong. I feel so stupid. I have no motivation for any of my hobbies. I feel as though I have nothing to live for. I still have feelings for that coworker (he slightly pressured me into telling him why I gave him the guitar, and when I told him he barely reacted, just offered to give it back. I declined, feeling guilty, but he gave it back anyway and swore to never tell a soul. I'll always be grateful to him.) and it make me feel so shitty. I loved him even during dating my ex-bf. It fucked with my head but I never acted on it. Is that emotionally cheating?
I know I'm a shitty person, but I feel like I'm trying my best. I just can't keep up with everything life is throwing at me. It's only a matter of time before I let go.
For me this realization came maybe twenty minutes ago, after crying my eyes out and self-harming so bad I actually stained the carpet a little.
Just a year ago, I was happy, content with life, I had a best friend, a decent relationship with my parents, had never touched any drugs or really been much into alcohol.
I just wish I had ended it all when I planned to back in July. I wanted to die on my birthday, never having even had my first kiss. My best friend (I'll call him R) and I were not super close at the time, it felt like we were drifting apart despite being best friends for seven or eight years. I gave away my treasured guitar to a coworker who I had feelings for that were not reciprocated. He asked why and I brushed it off. I cried that entire day. My 18th birthday was on the fourth of August and I planned to drive out to a place I used to stargaze, surrounded by empty fields for miles around. I would cut my wrists there and let myself bleed out. I knew at the time that this wasn't the best method of dying, because the blood can clot and you can't really reach the real arteries, but I think I didn't really want to die at first.
I have a bad habit of wanting attention. I have always been an attention seeker. I am not proud of this, but it is a fact about me and has caused so many fights with R over the years. So when I first decided I wanted to kill myself, I decided I would only half-ass the attempt. Maybe call 911 on myself while bleeding out so I could be saved. I wanted to give people a scare, maybe make them realize how awfully they'd been treating me. My entire family very clearly plays favorites, and the favorite was never me. I remind them too much of my oldest sister, who was too "rebellious" and left the religion that my family grew up in. My sister that was two years older than me, not the oldest, was the golden child. I had to listen to my family talk about how she was overworking herself, not eating enough, not getting enough sleep, while I would starve myself for days on end because she mentioned I looked overweight. While I would stay up all night texting my suicidal friend who'd get so drunk she could barely think straight, and since we were in different time zones it was always day for her while it was night for me.
Rant about favoritism over, back to the story. I know people have it worse than me, I'm not denying that. I feel almost guilty for wanting to die so badly.
Later in that week, I met someone who changed my mind. He gave me so much hope for the future. He treated me normally, not pressuring me into anything, just made me feel like I actually mattered. And that's all it took. I decided to live.
And here I am, months later, post-breakup. R encouraged me to break up, said my boyfriend wasn't good enough for me. All he did was push my boundaries sometimes in regards to sexual things. I could have handled it. I don't think I made the right choice. I don't think I'll find anyone better.
And now, R texts me randomly, saying "taking a break for a few days gang". Genuinely, this broke me. I never see him in person because he lives out of town and my shitty car can't go on highways. Maybe I've been bothering him too much. Since I just lost my boyfriend, who I talked to constantly, I probably ended up talking to R a lot more than I normally would. Maybe I wore him out? I asked him why and he just said he's taking a break from people. Bullshit. We have a mutual friend, I asked her, and she said he never said anything like that to her. He's taking a break from me. I don't know what I did wrong. I feel so stupid. I have no motivation for any of my hobbies. I feel as though I have nothing to live for. I still have feelings for that coworker (he slightly pressured me into telling him why I gave him the guitar, and when I told him he barely reacted, just offered to give it back. I declined, feeling guilty, but he gave it back anyway and swore to never tell a soul. I'll always be grateful to him.) and it make me feel so shitty. I loved him even during dating my ex-bf. It fucked with my head but I never acted on it. Is that emotionally cheating?
I know I'm a shitty person, but I feel like I'm trying my best. I just can't keep up with everything life is throwing at me. It's only a matter of time before I let go.
