Discussion Feel less crap

[tisoxi9801]

Hi,

I'm feeling like total crap. Is there a way I can do not that without alcohol? Out of money for reasons. Also, no ID, as I lost it in a drunken binge [?] ago.

Just some weird, nebulous sense of cosmic horror and dread. Alcohol helps temporarily, but I'm fresh out today. Also, I can't sleep right now, so I'm out of ideas. TV and distractions also do not work, and don't really put the breaks on those mental thumbscrews, which is especially annoying because doing functional-human-being stuff might actually not completely fuck me up as badly.

Any input is appreciated. Thanks a bunch.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Hey. I'm pretty sure thete should be a way to feel less crap for you, but it is such a loaded question. What made you feel crap? And what do you like, besides alcohol (any activities, food, fiction, anything at all)?

 

[tisoxi9801]

You're right: it's a stupid, vague question. Rather divulge as little as possible, but all those distractions that used to absorb and immerse me don't work very well, in that I can't escape constant, ruminative regret etc.

I used to enjoy exercise, reading, music, some TV, challenging my mind, etc. But the most effective diversion I've found is just binge drinking and TV, unfortunately. I guess it's just the intense chemical alteration in combination with an easy, effortless activity that works best.

So, yeah: just don't enjoy the stuff I used to really like to do due to the relentless self-loathing thoughts about things I've done for which I can't ever forgive myself. Can't really get into anything, and if I do, it doesn't last, and the thoughts still haunt me in the background, except sometimes when I'm blind drunk.

I really should try a ton of self-help books and therapy, but hard to motivate myself or conceive that these things would work to basically negate reality, to a degree: I'm very upset about particular consequences of my actions, especially as they relate to the stupidity of said actions, and I can't pretend I don't care, because I absolutely, unequivocally do.

Guess I'm looking for coping mechanisms while I at least try to give all that stuff I try. Hard to avoid drinking when I feel tormented every day on which I don't. Antidepressants don't seem to help enough, so I guess I'm looking for anything different to try in addition--something I couldn't think of.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Maybe, being more social would help? Sometimes being around other people provides a better distraction then solitary activities, though it depends.
Also, is there anything you can do to maybe lessen the consequences of your past actions? Can you think of a plan that would help? Or is it a case when absolutely nothing can be done?

 

[tisoxi9801]

Thanks for replying. I guess most people wouldn't consider them too horrendous, but I'm pretty riddled with guilt, remorse, and self-hatred over them. In any case, I've been trying to understand and rectify some of what I did ever since, for a few years, but I think I've reached some solid enough conclusions to realize that I basically can't do anything. And definitely not to the people I've wronged (though not in a way that wouldn't get over, for what that's worth).

As for socializing: I've always been very solitary, but I used to be pretty content with that--I had tons of things to do which I enjoyed. But I gave the socializing a shot, and I've talked to a lot of people. The general consensus seems to be 'that sucks', which is fair enough. It doesn't really help much, if at all, unfortunately.

Thanks for reading that long post, by the way. I guess I really should try to abbreviate them in future. I'm just too verbose.

 

[Julgran]

Any input is appreciated. Thanks a bunch.

Try to re-gather yourself in small steps at a time, and start with cutting out - or at least decreasing - your alcohol consumption. It can soothe one's mind temporarily, but it doesn't work as effectually in the long-term.

Thanks for replying. I guess most people wouldn't consider them too horrendous, but I'm pretty riddled with guilt, remorse, and self-hatred over them. In any case, I've been trying to understand and rectify some of what I did ever since, for a few years, but I think I've reached some solid enough conclusions to realize that I basically can't do anything. And definitely not to the people I've wronged (though not in a way that wouldn't get over, for what that's worth).

Are your problems mainly rooted in a guily conscience, then...? Perhaps you need to try to get back to some kind normalcy, or a life that's "good enough", instead of an ideal that you have always strived for.

 

[tisoxi9801]

Try to re-gather yourself in small steps at a time, and start with cutting out - or at least decreasing - your alcohol consumption. It can soothe one's mind temporarily, but it doesn't work as effectually in the long-term.



Are your problems mainly rooted in a guily conscience, then...? Perhaps you need to try to get back to some kind normalcy, or a life that's "good enough", instead of an ideal that you have always strived for.

Thanks. What you've said makes sense; I only wish I could settle for some normalcy, but I am constantly aware of the consequences of what I have done, and my ever-present sense of self-disgust and revulsion has been unshakeable for years.

As for the alcohol: it's definitely been something I've tried to quit quite a few times. I've gone for up to several weeks at a time, although I have to admit that I felt a lot worse during those periods of abstinence. I guess they have to be extended (for at least several months), but I'm not optimistic considering my depression predates my alcohol abuse--weirdly enough, alcohol has only ever seemed to help, even though I recognize it's a toxic, dangerous habit.

Still, a few days sober and struggling to find any relief I can from the relentless feelings of revulsion I have for all my actions collectively, but especially very specific ones in the distant past.

A bit whiny, I guess, but I do like to tell the truth.

 

[Julgran]

Thanks. What you've said makes sense; I only wish I could settle for some normalcy, but I am constantly aware of the consequences of what I have done, and my ever-present sense of self-disgust and revulsion has been unshakeable for years.

As for the alcohol: it's definitely been something I've tried to quit quite a few times. I've gone for up to 6 weeks at a time, although I have to admit that I felt a lot worse during those periods of abstinence. I guess they have to be extended (for at least several months), but I'm not optimistic considering my depression predates my alcohol abuse--weirdly enough, alcohol has only ever seemed to help, even though I recognize it's a toxic, dangerous habit.

Still, a few days sober and struggling to find any relief I can from the relentless feelings of revulsion I have for all my actions collectively, but especially very specific ones in the distant past.

A bit whiny, I guess, but I do like to tell the truth.

You are only human - you can only do so much

 

[tisoxi9801]

You are only human - you can only do so much

Thanks, I appreciate the sentiment.