Venting Fear of failing ctb

[Deleted member 19654]

I've made up my mind that I want to ctb by the end of the year. I've had enough of life and I just want to be free.

The method I'm gonna go for is partial because unfortunately I can't order SN without my parents noticing and there's no way for me to do full. I recently found my sweet spot. Whenever I wrap something around my neck and pull, everything starts to fade until I start to let go.

Although it seems like I've found my 'exit button', I'm scared that it's giving me false hope that I'll be able to ctb. I don't want to try only to find out that I can't make myself pass out or for whatever I'm using or hanging from to break. I also don't want there to be visible signs on my neck/broken blood vessels etc if I fail and of course I don't want to end up as a vegetable.

I don't have any hope that my future will get better but there's this hope that when my time comes, I'll be able to leave this Earth the way I want and finally be at peace. I'm scared of losing that hope.

 

[Stick]

I hope that you can hold onto that hope. It really does suck feeling finally free, only to be put back into living mode by your mind. I wish you luck and hope for the peace you are looking for.
It sounds like you would rather use the SN method, are you absolutely sure there is no way your parents would notice? My sister opens my packages sometimes, but to circumvent that I bought multiple packages of art supplies along with my SN, so that when I got my SN I could show her pencils or whatever instead. Maybe you could have a friend or another member here place the order for you if you are worried about them seeing your shopping history or something. I don't know, I'm just trying to give you ideas. It will be a lot easier with a method you are comfortable with.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

I hope that you can hold onto that hope. It really does suck feeling finally free, only to be put back into living mode by your mind. I wish you luck and hope for the peace you are looking for.
It sounds like you would rather use the SN method, are you absolutely sure there is no way your parents would notice? My sister opens my packages sometimes, but to circumvent that I bought multiple packages of art supplies along with my SN, so that when I got my SN I could show her pencils or whatever instead. Maybe you could have a friend or another member here place the order for you if you are worried about them seeing your shopping history or something. I don't know, I'm just trying to give you ideas. It will be a lot easier with a method you are comfortable with.

Thank you. Unfortunately because of COVID, we're having to wipe and disinfect all parcels and the contents when we get them and so if my mother gets a hold of it first then she'll see what it is. With SN arriving from a different country, I can't plan for it to arrive on a certain day or time with the delivery options.

 

[Stick]

Thank you. Unfortunately because of COVID, we're having to wipe and disinfect all parcels and the contents when we get them and so if my mother gets a hold of it first then she'll see what it is. With SN arriving from a different country, I can't plan for it to arrive on a certain day or time with the delivery options.

Ah, that sucks. At least your family is being careful. I wish you the best regardless <3

 

[Ghost2211]

I don't think it's as much a concern about failing as it is getting found. If you fail and just don't pass out you just keep trying. if the rope breaks you get a better rope, and if the place your trying to hang from can't hold you then you find a better spot. This isn't a fail type method, but rather learning and adapting. True failing is someone finding you before you die. That will be hell and may lead to a far worse existence of brain damage. Don't do it if you might get found.

 

[foxdie]

You should have fear so that's a good sign. If you cannot acquire an effective method in your current position then you should probably go back to the drawing board. No need to risk unnecessary injury. Partial isn't fool proof. If you can get it, great, but I am personally taking a lot of practice time. My current plan is partial but it takes practice for most. I hope you can find peace mon ami.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

The way I'm practicing/preparing at the moment is by letting myself get used to the feeling of passing out when I wrap something around my neck.I like to make sure that I can still find my sweet spot.