Venting Fear of ctb

[swanfil]

This won't be the first thread someones made about this and I know it won't be the last so sorry for making another one.

I realise a lot of us feel this way but honestly, I am scared about ctb.

In my heart I know my problem is irreversible, I lost the one, the love of my life to suicide and even if the guilt were to subside I'd still be alone in this world with no one who'd be able to fill the void or live up to her and the endless torment that she could still be here. I question what is the point going on, I won't be happy again, this pain will be with me for the rest of my days. I've not only lost her but also my career and all my passions and dreams.

It cuts me because, without wanting to sound arrogant, I had such potential. My creative skills in something I loved got me far and there were so many other things I used to want to do, but now it seems futile and I've got no energy.

I spend everyday the same, sleep for excessive amounts of time, wake up, cry, drag myself through the day doing little to nothing, aimlessly browse the internet looking for some senseless hope that someone discovered time travel, maybe go out and try to socialise while wearing a mask, come back, cry more then back to sleep. My only relief is sleep and even then my subconscious torments me in my dreams.

I don't want to die, I want to live the life that's been ripped away from me but the idea of this just being it, spending the last year of my life in excessive agony and my previous problems being even more debilitating than ever before, is this really how it ends.

I'd love nothing more than there to be an afterlife, to be reunited with her, to get a second chance but it's sadly not something I believe in and while I won't be aware of it, eternal nothing does sound a daunting prospect.

I can't live this life, I don't want this life but I don't want no life either. It's a catch 22 where there is no answer, keep going through the pain or disappear forever...

Like most here I'm stuck in limbo of needing to ctb but struggling to proceed.

Additionally I kind of want to be understood and have been going over time n time again about how to get it all down. It may sound egotistical and pointless as I won't be around but I don't want people just thinking "oh he copped out of life cause he lost a girl, what a stupid loser" as there's so much more to it.

Sorry for the long vent...

 

[Empty RN]

Thank you for sharing your feelings openly and so publicly. I only want to point out what I tink when we die is that we don't know anything of this life anymore so what ever others want to say after your death will be insignificant. Losing someone we love deeply and care about is indescribable and alters who we are. If the deep love you felt for this person has changed you so significantly, it's not something to be ashamed of rather an honor to have loved so deeply

 

[Sickofit]

You are not alone. Im sure many other people are also afraid.

 

[WaitingForTheBus]

So sorry to hear the story that brought you here. No need to apologise for venting either. It can act as a kind of therapy and even if it releases some of your pain for 5 minutes, it was worth it.

Personally, I would prefer to live if the mental anguish I continuously suffer from would permanently go away. I know it won't though, so here we are. I have no fear of ctb at all, in fact I find peace from knowing that my time is drawing nearer. My fear is for the people that care for me that I leave behind, namely my kids. How badly will this affect them? Will they then choose the same option I did when things go bad? My other fear is of failing. I have failed on 2 previous attempts, I don't want to make it 3.

Much peace to you and I hope one day you truly find it.

 

[TiredHorse]

Swanfil, we are twins. I did not lose my beloved to suicide, I lost her to stupidity and fear, but she is just as forever gone. I, too, lost my creative career --as a writer, and a damn good one-- when my life crumbled at her departure. She was my Muse, and my gift has vanished with her. I, too, do not want to ctb, I want to go back in time and correct the catastrophic mistakes I made and again live the euphoric life I had. I spend as much of my day as possible asleep, despite the nightmares, and the rest trawling through the internet for anything that can distract me without reminding me of my beloved. I am exhausted. I cannot focus. I cannot feel pleasure. I don't have enough energy to even imagine climbing out of this hole.

I read your words, and I feel them like a knife.

What sort of a loser am I, thinking to ctb because my beloved left me and is now pregnant by the man she left me for? Divorce happens to a thousand people every day! Why can't I just get over it, move on, just live again? I have no idea, but I know I need to end this misery, and I see only one way to do so.

And yet I'm stuck in limbo, afraid, unable to ctb, still longing for what will never again be. Two tries this year, another soon that I do not anticipate going so well as I hope.

I am so very, very sorry. You have my complete sympathy.

 

[your pathologist]

Thank you for sharing.
I can't imagine the feeling of loss you are trying to cope with. I left my fiance of 6 years for a guy I fell in lust with.. didnt end up being very compatible and while I didnt really think he would move on, he did.
I nearly cannot cope with the fact that he doesnt rely on me anymore... although it can never compare... I can still see him living his life etc..
(This isnt my whole story, i could move on if needed it just stings all the same)
SS in many ways feels like limbo to me as well. Since I've been here I've had full intentions on ctb but havent gotten up the courage to do so or have changed my method etc...
I have 2 "failed attempts" that I count
Gun to temple, glad I didnt go through with, cuz I probably woulda just blinded myself.. and full suspension hanging. Couldn't get myself to push away the ladder.
You're not alone.
Theres a reason theres so many of us long time users. If it was easy, this place would be a lot more inactive.
No one wants to die

 

[worldexploder]

It's natural to be terrified of CTB. I am not here because I want to live. I wouldn't be afraid to go by Nembutal or nitrogen. I'd be a little nervous with a shotgun. Would need some liquid courage for that but not much. It's those painful methods that keep me scared - like hanging or jumping. The methods I want are out of reach for now. You're not alone.

 

[Dark Soul]

I think everyone have fear. This is totaly normal. Fear of a life in coma (vegetative state),
Fear of what's coming in the other world and fear of what you miss here. Whatever the reason, at a certain point the decision is irreversible. This is a big problem.
PS: Sorry for my bad english. Is not my first language.

 

[swanfil]

Thank you all for your responses, it's touching and I am also truly sorry to hear others suffer. I apologise to ramble on more about myself however we had a challenging relationship due to her suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. There were many times that she would lose control of her emotions, self harm or threaten to take her life and while I was no saint I tried within the best of my ability to get her help when even her family wanted nothing to do with her.

I feel as time went on I became burnt out and would only focus on the negatives instead of seeing the light that shone from her. She was actually getting better but it was me being offered this job that seemed to knock her off balance and then the morning I am leaving she takes her life after getting into what at the time seemed like a silly state with me and my refusal to rise to an argument.

More than anything I am drowning in guilt, I know it's not my fault but I also know I didn't always treat her very well and this could've been prevented like all the times before. I took her for granted, knowing she loved me so deeply that I didn't always make an effort. So many evenings I just sat working or playing games on the computer while she sat bored watching TV, just wanting to spend time with me. It's that classic saying, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. I didn't take a moment to stop and realise just how much we were suited for each other, that we shared so much in common, agreed on nearly everything within our lives and outlooks, even big important things that can break a relationship, as well as how she put up with my flaws as much as I put up with hers. In addition, and I always feel so shallow for adding this, she was stunningly flawlessly beautiful. The type of girl that was always being chatted up, even having random people stopping her in the street just to comment on her beauty but for some crazy reason she was madly in love and loyal to a geek like me and she had a bright future in modelling but her depression made her lose sight of her goals.

I know I'll never meet another who can compare. I long everyday to be the person I am now, to know what I know now.

Maybe it's stupid but I can't even get any closure, I can't apologise to her for all the times I made mistakes, I can't show her how deeply I love her and need her. I can't even possibly see her be happy with someone else because her life is gone...

I don't mean to diminish those who have lost someone due to a break up, I've been there, I know how debilitating it can be. In ways it's likely on par but for different reasons. What cuts me is the knowledge she still loved me but took her life, aside from her problems, but because she didn't think I cared anymore.

Just as the last thing and then I'll stop going on about myself, I was blamed for this tragedy happening by her mother and she made it her mission to make others think the same to the point several major tabloids ran with the story, publicly tarnishing my name. I also was forbidden to attend her funeral while so many who messed her up, including abusive ex partners, could attend. I know I messed up at times, I know I didn't always do enough but what is wrong with this world when truly cruel, evil people seem to get away with the damage they cause and succeed while the decent ones who want to make amends for this mistakes get trampled on...

Sorry again about my essay and thank you for letting me vent. Take care and I hope we can all find peace one way or another...