Venting Fear Of Being Mediocre

[Viafactorum]

Lately my mind has been turbulent as I plan my ctb. It feels odd, I have never felt this kind of cloudiness in thought in a long time. At first I thought it was my SI but now I know it's just the absurdity of the situation messing with me. If you had told me that I would be on a website like this sifting through peaceful ways to ctb, while I was a teen then I would have laughed my ass off with how bizarre the notion was. I was among those kinds of people that considered victims of suicide as those unfit for survival due to my rather Darwinian outlook on society, yet here I am going down the same train of thought. I feel at peace, yet so disappointed in myself. Disappointed mostly because I strongly believed that I would be able to achieve a lot of things in life, but I won't...

I lost my way when I was in middle school but only realized it when I was 17. I'm not addicted to drugs or booze, in fact I don't have any substantial vices. I am a very boring individual with some colorful outlooks on international affairs but nothing more. I don't have a lot of friends, I am not some mega genius with a god complex, and I do not feel like a psychopath. I am just awfully average and I struggle with that realization especially since I have been told from a young age that I was "special" or something. I understand there is no need to be ashamed of mediocrity but that is not what troubles me. I am not ashamed of being mediocre, but I am afraid of being mediocre.

Because in this crowded world the bare minimum required to survive is to be exceptional in some way(like being born smart, or handsome or athletic, or into a wealthy family) and I do not meet that criteria. This is what is pushing me towards ctb, the fact that the world is turning into a place that rejects people like me. This is not the only reason but you could say that this reason is like a strong gust of wind hitting your back when you are standing at on the edge of a cliff. That final push to take the leap... Anyways thank you for reading. I apologize for wasting you time.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that life itself is very disappointing and this world is very depressing. I hope that you find what you are looking for.

 

[meetapple]

Lately my mind has been turbulent as I plan my ctb. It feels odd, I have never felt this kind of cloudiness in thought in a long time. At first I thought it was my SI but now I know it's just the absurdity of the situation messing with me. If you had told me that I would be on a website like this sifting through peaceful ways to ctb, while I was a teen then I would have laughed my ass off with how bizarre the notion was. I was among those kinds of people that considered victims of suicide as those unfit for survival due to my rather Darwinian outlook on society, yet here I am going down the same train of thought. I feel at peace, yet so disappointed in myself. Disappointed mostly because I strongly believed that I would be able to achieve a lot of things in life, but I won't...

I lost my way when I was in middle school but only realized it when I was 17. I'm not addicted to drugs or booze, in fact I don't have any substantial vices. I am a very boring individual with some colorful outlooks on international affairs but nothing more. I don't have a lot of friends, I am not some mega genius with a god complex, and I do not feel like a psychopath. I am just awfully average and I struggle with that realization especially since I have been told from a young age that I was "special" or something. I understand there is no need to be ashamed of mediocrity but that is not what troubles me. I am not ashamed of being mediocre, but I am afraid of being mediocre.

Because in this crowded world the bare minimum required to survive is to be exceptional in some way(like being born smart, or handsome or athletic, or into a wealthy family) and I do not meet that criteria. This is what is pushing me towards ctb, the fact that the world is turning into a place that rejects people like me. This is not the only reason but you could say that this reason is like a strong gust of wind hitting your back when you are standing at on the edge of a cliff. That final push to take the leap... Anyways thank you for reading. I apologize for wasting you time.

It seems like even though you might not be outstanding in some area you still have the ability to understand your problems and think through solutions for them. That is not insignificant. I don't think you have to be exceptional if you can set goals and achieve them. I don't mean to demean you for your feelings as only you know yourself.

 

[Lost Magic]

Society has turned people into coincided show ponies. It's such a fake world that drives people nuts. I understand your concerns, but I wouldn't feel belittled by unrealistic standards. It's not worth it and it just makes you feel worse about yourself.

 

[Viafactorum]

Society has turned people into coincided show ponies. It's such a fake world that drives people nuts. I understand your concerns, but I wouldn't feel belittled by unrealistic standards. It's not worth it and it just makes you feel worse about yourself.

I do understand that, and no I am not comparing myself to unrealistic standards. I realized that I cannot compete on that level earlier on so overachievers and genuine prodigies didn't bother me that much. I was naïve to think that society(particularly higher education) functioned on a purely meritorious system, i.e. I thought that simply working hard was enough to achieve everything. This misconception made me dream big, and by big I mean way beyond my capabilities. I thought I could best circumstances and climb the ladder purely through merit, but I had a rude awakening during high school when I started talking to my seniors who had passed out and was in the shit. I should have imbibed more of their experiences and learned something from them rather than disregarding their problems as whining's of a loser. Now I am stuck in a situation where no amount of perseverance can help me piece my life back together.

I have finally realized my strata in modern society and I don't think I can live with that. If whatever I am experiencing now was completely alien then I would have stumbled through through life and gotten somewhere but my life is following the exact same paths some of my seniors went down and I cannot exactly stop this downward spiral. I tried to improve. Watched 100s of hours of efficiency guides and read through many improvement tactics but nothing works. I am pretty sure I have reached the limits of my capability and it is still not enough to help me carve out a place for myself in this world. I don't exactly know how to describe my feeling because I myself struggle to understand why exactly this is happening to me. I am hesitant to go see a shrink because it may or may not jeopardize my future work options(not that a shrink would help anyways). I'm sorry for the long response, my thoughts are getting scattered more and more as of late...

 

[Lost Magic]

I can relate to much of what you are saying. I still say society has made us this way and the people who taught us are badly taught themselves. I hope you can find a path forward, despite the shortcomings. Although, I know it is difficult. As for me, my days are already numbered. It's just a matter of accepting that and letting go.