birdofafeather
Just tired
- Feb 12, 2023
- 45
Call me paranoid, but since I've decided to CTB this week, I've started to worry about whether people would respect me or not after death.
On being afab:
I live in a place where the fire department is being investigated for taking upskirts of victims, and the police are also thought to be doing that. Sending those pictures to their group chats and, honestly, I'm not sure what happens afterwards.
I'm afab. I'm quite femme presenting, due to circumstances out of my control. My body type is one that gets overly sexualised. From around the age of 12 I was getting uncomfortable stares from male teachers in my school as I suddenly couldn't really fit into my shirt without the spaces between the buttons gaping. I'm ace. Sex neutral, I guess. The idea of me being "fuckable" is not something that I'm comfortable with. In fact, it makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin. The idea that the first responders will most likely be police (if everything goes to plan, I won't be found for days), it scares me that I'll end up on that chat. I'm scared that maybe something happens to my body. I know, I'll be dead, I won't be there to give a shit, but like... I don't want to be violated. Dead or alive.
On being trans:
I live in a country where there was a murder recently, of a young trans girl. She will be buried under her deadname. The press went to great lengths to find her deadname so that they wouldn't have to use her true name in their articles. There is no respect for her or her identity. It's disgusting. What's worse is that she went without having a say in it. A hate crime that isn't even being investigated as a hate crime. Her treatment is appalling and it shows a lot about how nobody gives a shit about you if you're trans.
I live with a gender that isn't even legally recognised. The chances of me being recognised as me in the first place are next to zero.
I have not been able to medically transition. The laws won't let me do that. And my body type is one that can't be seen as androgynous, even when wearing a binder.
Part of me wishes I die violently, and that I'm so violently mutilated that no one can tell what I am, but I know, no matter how many notes I write, begging to be recognised, no matter what I say, or do, the press, my parents, and the people who bury me, will have me be a version of myself that never existed in the first place.
All in all, I'm exhausted. I don't want to think about these things, I just want it all to stop. If I didn't hesitate, I'd have been dead 10 years ago.
On being afab:
I live in a place where the fire department is being investigated for taking upskirts of victims, and the police are also thought to be doing that. Sending those pictures to their group chats and, honestly, I'm not sure what happens afterwards.
I'm afab. I'm quite femme presenting, due to circumstances out of my control. My body type is one that gets overly sexualised. From around the age of 12 I was getting uncomfortable stares from male teachers in my school as I suddenly couldn't really fit into my shirt without the spaces between the buttons gaping. I'm ace. Sex neutral, I guess. The idea of me being "fuckable" is not something that I'm comfortable with. In fact, it makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin. The idea that the first responders will most likely be police (if everything goes to plan, I won't be found for days), it scares me that I'll end up on that chat. I'm scared that maybe something happens to my body. I know, I'll be dead, I won't be there to give a shit, but like... I don't want to be violated. Dead or alive.
On being trans:
I live in a country where there was a murder recently, of a young trans girl. She will be buried under her deadname. The press went to great lengths to find her deadname so that they wouldn't have to use her true name in their articles. There is no respect for her or her identity. It's disgusting. What's worse is that she went without having a say in it. A hate crime that isn't even being investigated as a hate crime. Her treatment is appalling and it shows a lot about how nobody gives a shit about you if you're trans.
I live with a gender that isn't even legally recognised. The chances of me being recognised as me in the first place are next to zero.
I have not been able to medically transition. The laws won't let me do that. And my body type is one that can't be seen as androgynous, even when wearing a binder.
Part of me wishes I die violently, and that I'm so violently mutilated that no one can tell what I am, but I know, no matter how many notes I write, begging to be recognised, no matter what I say, or do, the press, my parents, and the people who bury me, will have me be a version of myself that never existed in the first place.
All in all, I'm exhausted. I don't want to think about these things, I just want it all to stop. If I didn't hesitate, I'd have been dead 10 years ago.