Venting fear makes me suicidal

[mango000]

i think the worst kind of fear is completely rational fear. being afraid of my parents dying, being afraid of losing all my safety nets, being afraid of having to work myself to the bone just to survive, and knowing that i'll have to wake up and do it again the next day, with no end in sight, these fears are not unfounded or irrational. these are all things that scare me because they are all going to happen, and as long as i continue to live there will be no escaping them. does anyone else feel this way every single day? it's really exhausting. thankfully ever since i ordered SN, i've been able to relax sightly. knowing that as soon as it arrives, i can take my exit and finally be free whenever i wish. its just so unfortunate that this is the only path forward for me, i really wish life wasn't like this. given the choice of either living in a world where i can never feel free, or choosing to finally be able to let it all go and sleep forever, the choice is very clear to me.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

I am going through the exact same thing. I feel more and more alienated and unwanted and am terrified of not being able to support myself if things go wrong. I fear for the future both specifically and generally. Sometimes I can put it out of my mind but other times the fear gets really, really bad. I know it's called anxiety but really it's fear.
Were you able to get benzos for SN? I don't think I can get any and I worry I'd freak out if I took SN. I think I can get AE, but they apparently don't completely work so I also worry that I'll throw up and the SN wouldn't work or would be painful. I would LOVE to just go to sleep forever and I wish it would just happen on its own.

 

[Richard Langford]

I was going to post as to whether a source for such was trustworthy seeking opinions. I'm not sure that's allowed?

 

[Overwhelmed52]

I was going to post as to whether a source for such was trustworthy seeking opinions. I'm not sure that's allowed?

People will often provide general info about their sources but not specifics. You can search posts to find things that people have said. Hope that helps!

 

[mango000]

I am going through the exact same thing. I feel more and more alienated and unwanted and am terrified of not being able to support myself if things go wrong. I fear for the future both specifically and generally. Sometimes I can put it out of my mind but other times the fear gets really, really bad. I know it's called anxiety but really it's fear.
Were you able to get benzos for SN? I don't think I can get any and I worry I'd freak out if I took SN. I think I can get AE, but they apparently don't completely work so I also worry that I'll throw up and the SN wouldn't work or would be painful. I would LOVE to just go to sleep forever and I wish it would just happen on its own.

unfortunately i cant get my hands on benzos or antiemetics :(
i feel the same way, i would be so happy if i could just press a button that could make me fall into an endless sleep

 

[Overwhelmed52]

unfortunately i cant get my hands on benzos or antiemetics :(
i feel the same way, i would be so happy if i could just press a button that could make me fall into an endless sleep

Yes, exactly, that would be amazing! I'm sorry you couldn't get the other things. I wish this was easier.

 

[Richard Langford]

People will often provide general info about their sources but not specifics. You can search posts to find things that people have said. Hope that helps!

I've just looked on TrustPilot and the place (its a bit like ebay but an Indian version... IndiaM*rt) gets very poor reviews. The site is OK but lots of the sellers on it are very iffy.

Yes, exactly, that would be amazing! I'm sorry you couldn't get the other things. I wish this was easier.

I can find 500 mcg (0.5mg) with looking but that realistically isn't very strong.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

Same here with regards to the fear part. I also have a lot of rational fears about life. I've been a bit more relaxed ever since I got the SN but I've been getting irrational fears and panic attacks recently over acknowledging that I have a lethal way to die. I wish that dying could be as simple as going to sleep and never waking up again but unfortunately it is a lot more complicated than that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I also just wish to sleep permanently, all I hope for is to never suffer ever again, I always have so much dread for what lies ahead in this torturous, futile existence that just leads to decay and death anyway, the thought of being trapped in this existence just to die in agony from old age is so unbearable and horrific to me, I'd never wish for that, it's so terrifying to me how there is no limit as to how much agony one can feel in this existence. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[donttalktome]

I took 10 xans at once yesterday and even with all my feelings destroyed i still wanted to die.

 

[human909]

I guess i probably feel the same way as you just wanting to get away from all the pain and fear. I have similar fears as you but not the exact same type. Just can't wait until i ctb so i don't have to worry about all these stuff anymore.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm already in a position where most but not all safety nets are gone. I live alone. My parents are hundreds of miles off. I think they would support me for a bit if things really got bad but, they simply couldn't afford to forever. Plus, the shit I'd get for that would be worse in a way.

So yeah, it's just a constant anxiety fest really. Will I be able to sustain myself financially? Can I do it doing a (creative) job that's at least more bearable than others? It can be a physical job too so- will I continue to be able to do it as I get older? I'll definitely have next to no pension so, I definitely need out before then.

In my current state, I've slipped. Put on weight and neglected my exercise so, I know I'm not fit enough even now! It also annoys me that I'm effectively tuning up my body for a job I don't fully enjoy now to support a life I don't want at all! It's actually ridiculous when looked at logically.

My plan is to go as soon as I can after my Dad does. The thought of attempting terrifies me though. It just feels like one big mess I need to try to carefully untangle until I'm able to shove the whole lot in the bin.

 

[Namelesa]

I have rational and irrational fears about life but I can find it hard to tell whether one is or not but they all make me more miserable and make me want to die more as death is a guaranteed way to escape all suffering when to trying to recover and continue life isn't.

 

[ocheeva]

I feel the same. It's such a nightmarish situation... Existence truly is a curse.