Discussion Fear dying so sad, not death itself so much

[Nightwillalwayswin]

I have been teetering on the edge for a long time but feel like tomorrow is the day. I've had SN for well over a year.

I have two main issues that always stop me:

1. Fear of lying there with a broken heart knowing I am dying sad and alone and the panic of the unknown. I am not sure it's SI because I could make myself take the drink. What terrifies me isn't dying or being dead, it's the fear of the weight of that sadness and how emotionally crushing it will be to know that's how I will die. I am scared I will really breakdown and spend my last moments before losing consciousness like this.

2. Kind of linked. My mum. Everyone in my family, every friend, even my younger sister who is my best friend and adores me would find a way to move on eventually. But for my mum, life will be over for her. She will never be happy again. That's where the link is... the fear of lying there, dying, knowing that she is oblivious somewhere thinking her child is fine and within hours her life will be destroyed. I don't want to feel that guilt as I die.

Whenever I am honest with myself about the effect it would have on her in the hours, weeks, years after my death I cry every time without fail.

Does anyone struggle a lot with these things or very similar?

 

[Mistake of Nature]

Your post brought me to tears because I could relate to every word. I am terrified of what I will feel and think during my last moments of consciousness and I could almost literally feel my heart break when I think of how my family will react.

I wish I could say something to alleviate your fears, but there are no words that could do that. Whatever you decide to do tomorrow, I truly hope that you could find some peace and comfort.

 

[CoalmineCanary]

I wish I could ctb with my few loved ones around me. I just don't want to be alone as I exit but they are very pro-life/anti-choice that just knowing that I want to die is terrifying to them. Especially my younger brother. I struggle with this as I feel he may feel I betrayed him by not staying. I left home at a young age and my brother still has abandonment issues because I couldn't stay. My illness is stronger than I am and I'm tired of fighting this battle. I gave it a go. It's not like I didn't try. I'm so tired. Your post made me cry too.

 

[Cockatoo]

I feel your pain so much. That's why I tried to add to my last note as many details as I can to reassure my parents and explain it's not their fault.
I am ready to sign every word of your post. The fear of what I will feel physically and mentally and what I will do with the lives of my beloved horrifies me.

 

[ManWithNoName]

I have been teetering on the edge for a long time but feel like tomorrow is the day. I've had SN for well over a year.

I have two main issues that always stop me:

1. Fear of lying there with a broken heart knowing I am dying sad and alone and the panic of the unknown. I am not sure it's SI because I could make myself take the drink. What terrifies me isn't dying or being dead, it's the fear of the weight of that sadness and how emotionally crushing it will be to know that's how I will die. I am scared I will really breakdown and spend my last moments before losing consciousness like this.

2. Kind of linked. My mum. Everyone in my family, every friend, even my younger sister who is my best friend and adores me would find a way to move on eventually. But for my mum, life will be over for her. She will never be happy again. That's where the link is... the fear of lying there, dying, knowing that she is oblivious somewhere thinking her child is fine and within hours her life will be destroyed. I don't want to feel that guilt as I die.

Whenever I am honest with myself about the effect it would have on her in the hours, weeks, years after my death I cry every time without fail.

Does anyone struggle a lot with these things or very similar?

I hear you. I too wonder that myself. Even if one decides to take their life after extensive and exhaustive consideration, one never knows what he or she may feel th moment before. This is why if possible, I recommend a 'test rum's of one's chosen means of ctb. If one is choosing to die via pistol, then go through all the preparatory motions, but dry fire the gun with no ammo, and see how that feels. Some methods obviously cannot be test run.

Another option could be to try skydiving. Unless one is already certified and can skydive solo, one will have to do a tandem jump, but this should help a lot to clear one's head.