Story Faxanadu's Journal

[Ffaxanadu]

I am not used at keeping a diary/journal, but I will try: I think it can help me focus on the nice things that happen during my days, instead of only focusing on the bad ones - be them from the past or the present.

Today my usual bar was closed, I don't know why: on the door there was just a note stating "19 August Closed".
I felt a bit lost, then walking back I stopped on the front of the newly opened minimarket, I gazed inside and spotted a fridge with beer bottles. So I bought a Tennent's for 2,50€ (at the bar they sell it for 3,50/4,00€) and walked to a nearby park where I sat on a bench nearby a fountain and started drinking my beer.

Fortunately the weather was good, meaning it wasn't hot and humid - a bit cloudy, 27°. I Enjoyed having my beer watching at the birds occasionally stopping at the fountain to drink.

In the evening I focused on recovering some old Nintendo games I used to play when I was a child, on the NES 8bit.
Eventually I managed to find them all, and tested each of them on the Nestopia emulator - tests passed!
Fortunately I have a joypad I bought years ago - working on GNU/Linux! - so I didn't had to use the PC's keyboard to play.

Now it's about 1am, I'll smoke a cigarette and go to bed. Of course I will not sleep until 4am, so I guess I'll watch some reels on Instagram, maybe I'll read an ebook on my phone; I've got a ton (about 70) books to read. I started some of them but then dropped reading 'cause of boredom.

Well, good night!

 

[DarkRange55]

I am not used at keeping a diary/journal, but I will try: I think it can help me focus on the nice things that happen during my days, instead of only focusing on the bad ones - be them from the past or the present.

Today my usual bar was closed, I don't know why: on the door there was just a note stating "19 August Closed".
I felt a bit lost, then walking back I stopped on the front of the newly opened minimarket, I gazed inside and spotted a fridge with beer bottles. So I bought a Tennent's for 2,50€ (at the bar they sell it for 3,50/4,00€) and walked to a nearby park where I sat on a bench nearby a fountain and started drinking my beer.

Fortunately the weather was good, meaning it wasn't hot and humid - a bit cloudy, 27°. I Enjoyed having my beer watching at the birds occasionally stopping at the fountain to drink.

In the evening I focused on recovering some old Nintendo games I used to play when I was a child, on the NES 8bit.
Eventually I managed to find them all, and tested each of them on the Nestopia emulator - tests passed!
Fortunately I have a joypad I bought years ago - working on GNU/Linux! - so I didn't had to use the PC's keyboard to play.

Now it's about 1am, I'll smoke a cigarette and go to bed. Of course I will not sleep until 4am, so I guess I'll watch some reels on Instagram, maybe I'll read an ebook on my phone; I've got a ton (about 70) books to read. I started some of them but then dropped reading 'cause of boredom.

Well, good night!

Sounds like you had a nice day! Thats good to hear! Hope you are doing well!

 

[Ffaxanadu]

A day like any other, I went to the bar and drank my Tennent's.

In the evening I watched some episodes of "Death Note", I like it, but the last few episodes bored me a bit.

I installed "Signal" on openSUSE, an experimental package, which messed up my configuration, I'll have to find a way to remove it completely; these are the things that make me regret Windows, where you can remove a program completely without going crazy.

It's past 1:30, I go to bed and try to sleep, in the worst case I'll read a book on my smartphone.

I miss my cat, she was so sweet and good.

 

[Ffaxanadu]

Another day like all the others. I went to the bar, had a Tennent's, then went home. After dinner I spent three hours watching reels on instagram, then I turned on the computer to check my email. I spent an hour reading threads on SaSu, finally I decided to write these lines. As I write, I listen to an online radio station that broadcasts classical music.

How long have I had suicidal thoughts? Since I was twelve. I don't sleep at night, and among other thoughts I often end up thinking about how to commit suicide, imagining the way, the scene and the consequences. I usually imagine hanging myself or throwing myself under a high-speed train.

But in the end I am not so desperate to put my suicidal intentions into practice, reading SaSu I realized that there are people who are much worse off than me, both mentally and physically. Paradoxically, I should feel lucky.

Someone wrote that it seems to him to relive the same day again and again; It's the same feeling I have: every day I repeat the same actions, I take the same medicines, I live life in the same way.

I don't have friends to chat with, and at the same time I avoid possible friendships because inevitably sooner or later they would ask me questions that I don't want to answer.

I am tired, indeed, I am beyond being tired: every day I drag myself to the next day.

I'm stuck in this vicious circle, also because I don't want to commit suicide before my mother dies: I don't want to make her suffer.

Luckily there is this forum, where I can read things written by people who have similar problems to mine, and so I feel less alone, I seem to have many friends who understand me, and from whom I don't have to hide how I really am.

 

[Ffaxanadu]

Usual daily routine, I went to the bar, quickly read the newspaper and drank my Tennent's.

It is now past midnight, and I haven't showered. Maybe I will do it tomorrow, if I feel in the right mood.

It sounds strange, but in my life even the most common activities are almost insurmountable obstacles; I don't shave, I go to the barber once a month to cut my hair (if I have the strength), I shower once a week (but I often put it off, because I don't have the strength).

Then there is the problem of hand tremor: I can't handle glasses that are filled to the brim, pots that contain water, soup bowls... I have to take twenty-six drops of Delorazepam to calm myself down and to be able to use a spoon to eat the soup, otherwise my hand shakes so much that I can't do it.

I should get a prescription for tranquillisers, as the Xanax now seems to have no effect, even if I increase the dosage. Probably after so many years I have become resistant to its effects, or more simply my nervousness has worsened over the last five years.

It's a problem because I try to keep my spending to a minimum as I don't have a job.

I just want to lie down, close my eyes and fall asleep forever.

 

[Ffaxanadu]

I have not had much to write in the last few days, mainly because my daily life follows the usual routine.

I have been trying to sleep at night, but by now it seems well established that I can fall asleep only after 7 a.m.

To pass some time, I have taken to watching episodes of Death Note. It is a paranormal/detective anime, I liked the first few episodes, after a while however it started to bore me because it is almost completely focused on the detective side. However I will watch it to the end, if for no other reason than to know how it ends.

Tonight I had to take 26 drops of Delorazepam in order to eat the soup for dinner, otherwise my hand would have shaken enough to spill everything.

The depression and anxiety were not enough, my hands had to shake too. I will talk to my psychologist to see if there is a way to get a prescription for some tranquilizer that is not too expensive, I just have to be patient and make do as I can in the meantime.

P.S. I still haven't taken a shower in about two weeks.

 

[Ffaxanadu]

Things didn't go very well today: I woke up at 5pm with anxiety, took a tablet of Xanax, about an hour later I had to take 26 drops of Delorazepam to calm down.

I went to the bar and I had a Tennent's, I still wasn't completely calm.

Eventually the meds and beer alcohol took effect, and by 7:30 pm I was quite relaxed.

I don't know why I woke up with anxiety, probably something I dreamed of, but I don't remember anything particularly distressing.

I just want these episodes to end: I can't afford to consume and buy drugs at this rate. There must be some other affordable medicine that will work.

I'm so tired of having to deal daily with both the anxiety and the economic problem of having to buy medicines. They should be free or almost, like Olanzapine and Sertraline.

I need to talk to my psychiatrist as soon as possible and review therapy.

 

[Ffaxanadu]

I'm moving this journal to my profile's feed, I think it makes more sense.