Story Faxanadu's Journal

[Ffaxanadu]

I am not used at keeping a diary/journal, but I will try: I think it can help me focus on the nice things that happen during my days, instead of only focusing on the bad ones - be them from the past or the present.

Today my usual bar was closed, I don't know why: on the door there was just a note stating "19 August Closed".
I felt a bit lost, then walking back I stopped on the front of the newly opened minimarket, I gazed inside and spotted a fridge with beer bottles. So I bought a Tennent's for 2,50€ (at the bar they sell it for 3,50/4,00€) and walked to a nearby park where I sat on a bench nearby a fountain and started drinking my beer.

Fortunately the weather was good, meaning it wasn't hot and humid - a bit cloudy, 27°. I Enjoyed having my beer watching at the birds occasionally stopping at the fountain to drink.

In the evening I focused on recovering some old Nintendo games I used to play when I was a child, on the NES 8bit.
Eventually I managed to find them all, and tested each of them on the Nestopia emulator - tests passed!
Fortunately I have a joypad I bought years ago - working on GNU/Linux! - so I didn't had to use the PC's keyboard to play.

Now it's about 1am, I'll smoke a cigarette and go to bed. Of course I will not sleep until 4am, so I guess I'll watch some reels on Instagram, maybe I'll read an ebook on my phone; I've got a ton (about 70) books to read. I started some of them but then dropped reading 'cause of boredom.

Well, good night!

 

[DarkRange55]

I am not used at keeping a diary/journal, but I will try: I think it can help me focus on the nice things that happen during my days, instead of only focusing on the bad ones - be them from the past or the present.

Today my usual bar was closed, I don't know why: on the door there was just a note stating "19 August Closed".
I felt a bit lost, then walking back I stopped on the front of the newly opened minimarket, I gazed inside and spotted a fridge with beer bottles. So I bought a Tennent's for 2,50€ (at the bar they sell it for 3,50/4,00€) and walked to a nearby park where I sat on a bench nearby a fountain and started drinking my beer.

Fortunately the weather was good, meaning it wasn't hot and humid - a bit cloudy, 27°. I Enjoyed having my beer watching at the birds occasionally stopping at the fountain to drink.

In the evening I focused on recovering some old Nintendo games I used to play when I was a child, on the NES 8bit.
Eventually I managed to find them all, and tested each of them on the Nestopia emulator - tests passed!
Fortunately I have a joypad I bought years ago - working on GNU/Linux! - so I didn't had to use the PC's keyboard to play.

Now it's about 1am, I'll smoke a cigarette and go to bed. Of course I will not sleep until 4am, so I guess I'll watch some reels on Instagram, maybe I'll read an ebook on my phone; I've got a ton (about 70) books to read. I started some of them but then dropped reading 'cause of boredom.

Well, good night!

Sounds like you had a nice day! Thats good to hear! Hope you are doing well!

 

[Ffaxanadu]

A day like any other, I went to the bar and drank my Tennent's.

In the evening I watched some episodes of "Death Note", I like it, but the last few episodes bored me a bit.

I installed "Signal" on openSUSE, an experimental package, which messed up my configuration, I'll have to find a way to remove it completely; these are the things that make me regret Windows, where you can remove a program completely without going crazy.

It's past 1:30, I go to bed and try to sleep, in the worst case I'll read a book on my smartphone.

I miss my cat, she was so sweet and good.

 

[Ffaxanadu]

Another day like all the others. I went to the bar, had a Tennent's, then went home. After dinner I spent three hours watching reels on instagram, then I turned on the computer to check my email. I spent an hour reading threads on SaSu, finally I decided to write these lines. As I write, I listen to an online radio station that broadcasts classical music.

How long have I had suicidal thoughts? Since I was twelve. I don't sleep at night, and among other thoughts I often end up thinking about how to commit suicide, imagining the way, the scene and the consequences. I usually imagine hanging myself or throwing myself under a high-speed train.

But in the end I am not so desperate to put my suicidal intentions into practice, reading SaSu I realized that there are people who are much worse off than me, both mentally and physically. Paradoxically, I should feel lucky.

Someone wrote that it seems to him to relive the same day again and again; It's the same feeling I have: every day I repeat the same actions, I take the same medicines, I live life in the same way.

I don't have friends to chat with, and at the same time I avoid possible friendships because inevitably sooner or later they would ask me questions that I don't want to answer.

I am tired, indeed, I am beyond being tired: every day I drag myself to the next day.

I'm stuck in this vicious circle, also because I don't want to commit suicide before my mother dies: I don't want to make her suffer.

Luckily there is this forum, where I can read things written by people who have similar problems to mine, and so I feel less alone, I seem to have many friends who understand me, and from whom I don't have to hide how I really am.