favorite person vent yaaaay

[voidbread]

hi! hope i'm using this site right.

i don't feel like rehashing my story for the millionth time, so i'll cut to the chase. i've been recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have been suffering with it for years. my ex, who's also my current favorite person (fp) recently dumped me due to our relationship not providing what we both needed, with me being too needy, paranoid, and aggressive, and with her having communication issues and overall emotional neglect issues. we're still friends, but she has made it clear that she doesn't want to pursue any sort of intimate relationship with me anymore. it's been really hard trying to swallow this fact and if i'm being perfectly honest the only reason i'm able to smile through it in front of her is because in the back of my mind i'm expecting her to develop feelings for me again and things will be like how they used to be.

i feel petty and selfish because i could easily be sent into a crisis and want to ctb over any negative thing she does. i've been hospitalized three times due to fp-related issues and me making a stupid fuss over it. and i hate how when i really think about it i feel like i'm only truly living for the slight hope that my fp is gonna stay with me forever and value me more than anyone else.

i just wish i could live for myself, i feel like i'm hanging by a thread, but i feel like i could never get over my fp, i'm so scared of abandonment

 

[ChiseHatori]

I understand how you feel. I've also gone into spirals over my loved ones, one particularly bad break up caused me to lose 20 pounds and almost drown myself in a river.

It's hard to want to live for ourselves, but acknowledging it is the first step. The second step is trying to find resources that help us, and growing a support group, because doing it alone is near impossible for most of us. If you need more specific advice let me know, but I understand where you've been now.

BTW on a lighter note, I love your choice of avatar/icon. Watamote is one of my top three favorite shows/manga!

 

[LaVieEnRose]

i feel petty and selfish because i could easily be sent into a crisis and want to ctb over any negative thing she does.

Well, it's not your fault you have heightened emotional sensitivity compared to the average person. You were just diagnosed with BPD so of course you haven't yet gotten a firm grip on your emotional reactions to things. Things are always at their rawest in the immediate aftermath of an negative event, but that doesn't mean they'll always remain this raw. Now you have a golden opportunity to work on yourself.

 

[une vie grotesque]

i know exactly how you feel, i also have bpd!! i also have been in the same situation more times than i can count lol

not the best workaround, but for me cutting off the person completely and basically isolating myself from anything related to them works fairly well.

it's very painful at the beginning, it feels like that person is a drug and you're having withdrawals for at least a few weeks. then it slowly dies down, but you gotta keep your mind occupied with other shit (for me is games and youtube vids). after a while you have doubts about that person, like "did i even like that person or was i forcing myself to like them because they felt the same about me?" or "did i really like them or i liked the attention and intimacy the gave me?". then, sometime after the last phase, your negative and anxious feelings about them are usually very minimal or non-existent. most times the person even comes back into my life and i don't feel bad about having them by my side as a friend.

all the 5 stages of grief but with self gaslighting, basically.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

hi! hope i'm using this site right.

i don't feel like rehashing my story for the millionth time, so i'll cut to the chase. i've been recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have been suffering with it for years. my ex, who's also my current favorite person (fp) recently dumped me due to our relationship not providing what we both needed, with me being too needy, paranoid, and aggressive, and with her having communication issues and overall emotional neglect issues. we're still friends, but she has made it clear that she doesn't want to pursue any sort of intimate relationship with me anymore. it's been really hard trying to swallow this fact and if i'm being perfectly honest the only reason i'm able to smile through it in front of her is because in the back of my mind i'm expecting her to develop feelings for me again and things will be like how they used to be.

i feel petty and selfish because i could easily be sent into a crisis and want to ctb over any negative thing she does. i've been hospitalized three times due to fp-related issues and me making a stupid fuss over it. and i hate how when i really think about it i feel like i'm only truly living for the slight hope that my fp is gonna stay with me forever and value me more than anyone else.

i just wish i could live for myself, i feel like i'm hanging by a thread, but i feel like i could never get over my fp, i'm so scared of abandonment

I feel like I can kinda relate, as my ex broke up with me for very similar reasons, and we're still friendly. The main difference is my ex has expressed interest in possibly starting over. She's currently with someone but their relationship is in rocky territory, but eh that's another story for my own post, not to hijack yours lol.

I had to look up what an FP is, and it makes sense why this could be emotionally difficult. I do want to say, it's always good to have something to hold on to, truthfully I do the same with my ex and that's what helps me, so I get you doing that.

Also it isn't petty or selfish, you're condition leaves you very emotionally open, and especially towards her words and actions. If it doesn't work out with her, it's best to look forward, and maybe you can find a new FP, as hard as that may sound.

Fear of abandonment and loneliness is very normal. Maybe you can find ways to be a little more independent and find hobbies you have a passion for? Either way, if keeping in contact with her is helping, then by all means I think it's good.

I hope you can find happiness in life itself, and hey, maybe things will workout with this girl!

(also sorry if my answer seems insensitive or includes any misconceptions, I don't have BPD and have a very basic understanding of it. Feel free to correct anything I'm wrong on.)