Hi,
This is my first post, I believe my fate was set in stone from the very beginning.
I have to be quite vague for reasons i will try to explain, i may also use stars (*) instead of numbers, weird i know...
Current situation, after a life of absolute hell, I pushed through the major depression with no treatment, just hope, which is now gone... almost... I graduated university in a very lucrative area with above a first class honours degree (UK) which is the equivalent of a 4.0 GPA. I have now gone through a ridiculous amount of injustice which has permanently tarnished my name (this all went down soon after receiving my final exam results). I was found NOT guilty (in court) of absolute bullshit crimes that I was accused of, I then went further to apply for my police records to be deleted, which required a superior police officer to make a decision on whether or not my records should be deleted from their systems, and the officer has made a decision to delete my records (this is rare and difficult for people to usually achieve!). However, there are records held elsewhere and court records which can never be deleted and that will always tarnish my name.
Note: I have always been in utter poverty, in England, I qualified for university loans, that's how I was able to study.
To remain anonymous, and because of big data... I cannot say what exactly I was accused of and i need to be vague. However, it was nothing related to any sickening crimes... It was more to do with a electronics project which the police assumed was the big B word (again... big data issues...), once the police called a special unit and confirmed that it was not that, they tried to accuse me of purposely making it look like that, which was also bullshit, hence why I was found not guilty. The police were only there because my "friend" called the police because he thought that I was about to ctb, so the police really helped... kidding... they made my life exponentially worse...
So as a result, I was found NOT guilty of everything without even a trial happening, the prosecutor kind of agreed that the whole case was bullshit. However, "NOT guilty" means just about nothing, because I was accused in the first place, not guilty means not enough evidence to convict. So i then applied for a superior police officer to make a decision after reviewing all of the evidence and details to delete these records, after i was found not guilty, and the decision was made in my favour, records were deleted off of police systems.
Even that is not enough, because other records will never be deleted, and cannot be deleted. Even if a person is deemed 100% innocent, not every trace of the initial bullshit arrest/charge can be deleted, such as court history records. So in short, my life is potentially over.
Why am I here?
After half a year of court delays and bullshit pending charges... After I was found not guilty, I received a job offer from one of the companies that i would've only dreamt of being able to work for. I was selected as one of the 5 people they were looking to hire out of over 60 people in an assessment centre.
The catch is... the company is a gov-contractor... my offer is conditional upon a thorough background investigation, which I am currently going through (it could last another 10 weeks or more). The bullshit that i was accused of is on a topic so serious... Although I am clearly innocent and proven to be innocent, the background investigation is exempt from discrimination... They could get back to me with something along the lines of "for NS purposes we cannot give reason why you didn't pass" (again I am being vague, because I have to) and my job offer will be withdrawn as a result of that, since it depends on me passing.
This would prove that not only can i not get jobs like this, but also I cannot progress in my career field that I have worked just about 20 hours a day on average for three years, with major depression, to achieve the grades that I achieved. I would be forced to finally ctb. My life has always been hell, however I always had hope, and now that too has been taken away from me (potentially, but very likely).
My story...
I have read up on studies which show that people who were raised with abuse as a child do not develop as they should and face behavioral consequences. Without a doubt, also social consequences.
I was beaten by my psychotic dad since the age of (**), I was hospitalized many times and brainwashed to lie and say it was due to a fight in school or something like that. I watched as my mum was beaten by my dad, until blood splattered on the walls from her head, on one occasion she could've died its a miracle how she survived her head being smashed in with a metal object (I cannot mention what object because of big data, it could trace back to me). My dad has never been arrested as my mum refused to admit what my dad did to the police. This sort of stuff happened from the age of around (**) until i was around (*****************) years old (the stars are the number, big data could trace this back to me if i'm not careful), very frequently! Multiple times a week, some weeks it was every day. I was made to sleep on the street many times for ridiculous reasons (which i cannot say because of big data...) at a very young age.
I was bullied in every school i went to, I went to (******) different schools, (the stars are the number of schools... again big data could trace my story back to me). I was expelled from schools because i did silly things because i did not want to be there, i was bullied daily because i was the quiet and weird kid who went to school after getting beaten every day.
I met a girl at the age of (*****************) (the stars are the number, i don't want to risk this story tracing back to me) I began living with her (she was the same age as me), and things were initially great, her parents were happy for me to be living there with them, they knew about my dad... She was unfaithful about (**) years in to the relationship because I became "boring" because i was focusing on my studies. I never used to go out and party or drink, i was constantly studying. This drove me into more depression, she regretted being unfaithful and threatened to ctb if i left her, so i stayed. This drove me into even more depression.
I was then bullied in university because my "friends" didn't understand why i was with a girl who had been unfaithful, so they would make fun in the worst way possible, every single day, whilst i helped them with their studies.
This led to me cutting... I had all the pressure of my studies, the constant thoughts that i wasn't good enough to do well on my exams, the sleep deprivation of studying for 20 hours a day on average, the loss of all self respect from staying with an unfaithful girl, and the fact that I had nowhere else to go to get away from her, my dad back at home was also still beating my mum and the only difference was i didn't live there to see it.
My biggest regret was continuing to believe that as much as i was disadvantaged after growing up with so much abuse, i still had a chance. The truth is, i never had a chance, i have watched as others lived perfect lives. I never had a stable home, I was threatened by my dad that he would kill me, weekly, at a young age. I was 6 years old when he pinned me down and pulled a kitchen knife to me and threatened to kill me. This led to me growing up and being unacceptable by society, i didn't know how to act, i didn't know how to behave, i had to raise myself.
Strangely enough, i was socially very accepted in university, until my girlfriend ruined me completely. I was known to be quite knowledgeable, someone who always asked questions. I introduced a lot of people to eachother, I merged big teams of people into a bigger project teams, a lot of people only know eachother because of me and they are still friends to this day. Everyone ditched me once they noticed how depressed I really was.
I wish that i could be an example for how things do get better, however, things really don't... For me to be able to do the things that i did whilst majorly depressed, it made me worse, and those things never paid off, i was never rewarded. My graduation present was basically a bullshit court case, which is now over but that means nothing.
I am almost at the end of my road, so I thought I would say hi, I can understand why people in utter despair feel that they need to ctb. It makes me sick that people don't accept the idea of catching the bus. Surely catching the bus in some cases is better than seeking revenge and doing damage, i would much rather ctb than seek revenge on the people who ruined me.
I have to be very vague with my story because i know how big data can be used to trace back a story to the individual who wrote it... So apologies if some parts don't make too much sense.
This is my first post, I believe my fate was set in stone from the very beginning.
I have to be quite vague for reasons i will try to explain, i may also use stars (*) instead of numbers, weird i know...
Current situation, after a life of absolute hell, I pushed through the major depression with no treatment, just hope, which is now gone... almost... I graduated university in a very lucrative area with above a first class honours degree (UK) which is the equivalent of a 4.0 GPA. I have now gone through a ridiculous amount of injustice which has permanently tarnished my name (this all went down soon after receiving my final exam results). I was found NOT guilty (in court) of absolute bullshit crimes that I was accused of, I then went further to apply for my police records to be deleted, which required a superior police officer to make a decision on whether or not my records should be deleted from their systems, and the officer has made a decision to delete my records (this is rare and difficult for people to usually achieve!). However, there are records held elsewhere and court records which can never be deleted and that will always tarnish my name.
Note: I have always been in utter poverty, in England, I qualified for university loans, that's how I was able to study.
To remain anonymous, and because of big data... I cannot say what exactly I was accused of and i need to be vague. However, it was nothing related to any sickening crimes... It was more to do with a electronics project which the police assumed was the big B word (again... big data issues...), once the police called a special unit and confirmed that it was not that, they tried to accuse me of purposely making it look like that, which was also bullshit, hence why I was found not guilty. The police were only there because my "friend" called the police because he thought that I was about to ctb, so the police really helped... kidding... they made my life exponentially worse...
So as a result, I was found NOT guilty of everything without even a trial happening, the prosecutor kind of agreed that the whole case was bullshit. However, "NOT guilty" means just about nothing, because I was accused in the first place, not guilty means not enough evidence to convict. So i then applied for a superior police officer to make a decision after reviewing all of the evidence and details to delete these records, after i was found not guilty, and the decision was made in my favour, records were deleted off of police systems.
Even that is not enough, because other records will never be deleted, and cannot be deleted. Even if a person is deemed 100% innocent, not every trace of the initial bullshit arrest/charge can be deleted, such as court history records. So in short, my life is potentially over.
Why am I here?
After half a year of court delays and bullshit pending charges... After I was found not guilty, I received a job offer from one of the companies that i would've only dreamt of being able to work for. I was selected as one of the 5 people they were looking to hire out of over 60 people in an assessment centre.
The catch is... the company is a gov-contractor... my offer is conditional upon a thorough background investigation, which I am currently going through (it could last another 10 weeks or more). The bullshit that i was accused of is on a topic so serious... Although I am clearly innocent and proven to be innocent, the background investigation is exempt from discrimination... They could get back to me with something along the lines of "for NS purposes we cannot give reason why you didn't pass" (again I am being vague, because I have to) and my job offer will be withdrawn as a result of that, since it depends on me passing.
This would prove that not only can i not get jobs like this, but also I cannot progress in my career field that I have worked just about 20 hours a day on average for three years, with major depression, to achieve the grades that I achieved. I would be forced to finally ctb. My life has always been hell, however I always had hope, and now that too has been taken away from me (potentially, but very likely).
My story...
I have read up on studies which show that people who were raised with abuse as a child do not develop as they should and face behavioral consequences. Without a doubt, also social consequences.
I was beaten by my psychotic dad since the age of (**), I was hospitalized many times and brainwashed to lie and say it was due to a fight in school or something like that. I watched as my mum was beaten by my dad, until blood splattered on the walls from her head, on one occasion she could've died its a miracle how she survived her head being smashed in with a metal object (I cannot mention what object because of big data, it could trace back to me). My dad has never been arrested as my mum refused to admit what my dad did to the police. This sort of stuff happened from the age of around (**) until i was around (*****************) years old (the stars are the number, big data could trace this back to me if i'm not careful), very frequently! Multiple times a week, some weeks it was every day. I was made to sleep on the street many times for ridiculous reasons (which i cannot say because of big data...) at a very young age.
I was bullied in every school i went to, I went to (******) different schools, (the stars are the number of schools... again big data could trace my story back to me). I was expelled from schools because i did silly things because i did not want to be there, i was bullied daily because i was the quiet and weird kid who went to school after getting beaten every day.
I met a girl at the age of (*****************) (the stars are the number, i don't want to risk this story tracing back to me) I began living with her (she was the same age as me), and things were initially great, her parents were happy for me to be living there with them, they knew about my dad... She was unfaithful about (**) years in to the relationship because I became "boring" because i was focusing on my studies. I never used to go out and party or drink, i was constantly studying. This drove me into more depression, she regretted being unfaithful and threatened to ctb if i left her, so i stayed. This drove me into even more depression.
I was then bullied in university because my "friends" didn't understand why i was with a girl who had been unfaithful, so they would make fun in the worst way possible, every single day, whilst i helped them with their studies.
This led to me cutting... I had all the pressure of my studies, the constant thoughts that i wasn't good enough to do well on my exams, the sleep deprivation of studying for 20 hours a day on average, the loss of all self respect from staying with an unfaithful girl, and the fact that I had nowhere else to go to get away from her, my dad back at home was also still beating my mum and the only difference was i didn't live there to see it.
My biggest regret was continuing to believe that as much as i was disadvantaged after growing up with so much abuse, i still had a chance. The truth is, i never had a chance, i have watched as others lived perfect lives. I never had a stable home, I was threatened by my dad that he would kill me, weekly, at a young age. I was 6 years old when he pinned me down and pulled a kitchen knife to me and threatened to kill me. This led to me growing up and being unacceptable by society, i didn't know how to act, i didn't know how to behave, i had to raise myself.
Strangely enough, i was socially very accepted in university, until my girlfriend ruined me completely. I was known to be quite knowledgeable, someone who always asked questions. I introduced a lot of people to eachother, I merged big teams of people into a bigger project teams, a lot of people only know eachother because of me and they are still friends to this day. Everyone ditched me once they noticed how depressed I really was.
I wish that i could be an example for how things do get better, however, things really don't... For me to be able to do the things that i did whilst majorly depressed, it made me worse, and those things never paid off, i was never rewarded. My graduation present was basically a bullshit court case, which is now over but that means nothing.
I am almost at the end of my road, so I thought I would say hi, I can understand why people in utter despair feel that they need to ctb. It makes me sick that people don't accept the idea of catching the bus. Surely catching the bus in some cases is better than seeking revenge and doing damage, i would much rather ctb than seek revenge on the people who ruined me.
I have to be very vague with my story because i know how big data can be used to trace back a story to the individual who wrote it... So apologies if some parts don't make too much sense.
