Fancy a joke?

[sufferingalways]

Hello forum people. I was browsing government jokes uk, and this one tickled me.

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A man applies for a government job

A man goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now."

"Our normal hours are from 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am and plan on starting at 10 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, why don't you want me here until 10 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.

Thats from up vote / com

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Anyone else want to share one?

 

[leeloosnow]

./insert random witty self deprecating comment about my own existence

but, seriously tho

two hygroden atoms walk into a bar
they're a diatomic molecule but anyway
they sit down and place their order
suddenly H1 looks at H2 in utter shock
H1: "I think i lost my electron!"
H2: "OMG are you sure???"
H1: "yes, i'm positive!!!"

 

[KQuotientW]

Old joke, similar theme:

Q: How many people work for the government?
A: About half.

 

[chloramine]

Okay I have two jokes. One is somewhat in the themes so far and the others is an awful original joke that I'm very proud of. First:

A blind bunny and a blind snake meet each other on a path
Neither knows what they are so they agree to work together to find out
The snake pats the bunny and says "You're soft and furry you have a fluffy tail and long ears"
"Oh boy! Oh boy! I'm a cute little bunny!" the bunny says
"Do me! Do me!" says the snake
The bunny pats down the snake "you're long and slimy and slither" says the bunny
"Oh boy! Oh boy!" says the snake "I'm a lawyer!"

Second joke that is original:

If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound?
No, but the other trees do when they scream "Tragetreeeeeeee!"

 

[KQuotientW]

Joke 1:
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, "Do you have any books on Pavlov's dogs and Schrödinger's cat?" The librarian responds, "It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

Joke 2:
Two men walk into a bar. One says, "I'll have some H2O."
The other says, "I'll have some H2O, too."
The second man died.

 

[leeloosnow]

 

[leeloosnow]

Archaelogists excavating a pyramid in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and hazelnuts.

They believe it's Pharaoh Rocher.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

I hope my death makes more cents than my life.

 

[Rogue Proxy]

Here are a few jokes I've made up:

Why are geckos always institutionalized?
Because they're always climbing the walls.

What do you get when you cross a goldfish with a clownfish?
A fool's goldfish!

Why are frogs always great in calculus?
Because they know the de-ribbit-tive of every function!

Why do pigs never star in operas?
Because their first performance is always their swine song.

 

[KQuotientW]

Joke 1:
The bartender says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."
A time traveller walks into a bar.

Joke 2:
What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.

 

[Rogue Proxy]

A tourist loses their map and directions, and is wandering around looking for the capitol of India. They find a local who gives them well-detailed directions to the capitol. The tourist asks, "What happened to the old deli?"
The local replies, "It closed down after they started selling roasted beef."

 

[sufferingalways]

Okay I have two jokes. One is somewhat in the themes so far and the others is an awful original joke that I'm very proud of. First:

A blind bunny and a blind snake meet each other on a path
Neither knows what they are so they agree to work together to find out
The snake pats the bunny and says "You're soft and furry you have a fluffy tail and long ears"
"Oh boy! Oh boy! I'm a cute little bunny!" the bunny says
"Do me! Do me!" says the snake
The bunny pats down the snake "you're long and slimy and slither" says the bunny
"Oh boy! Oh boy!" says the snake "I'm a lawyer!"

Second joke that is original:

If a tree falls in the forest does it make a sound?
No, but the other trees do when they scream "Tragetreeeeeeee!"

I love your tree joke, made me laugh, thank you ️

I'll raise you, one of mine too,

Which one of all the cereals would win a boxing match?

The heavy wheat champion.

Here are a few jokes I've made up:

Why are geckos always institutionalized?
Because they're always climbing the walls.

What do you get when you cross a goldfish with a clownfish?
A fool's goldfish!

Why are frogs always great in calculus?
Because they know the de-ribbit-tive of every function!

Why do pigs never star in operas?
Because their first performance is always their swine song.

Ahh they're funny thanks :)
We have some comic talent here. Anyone ever done an open mic night?

 

[leeloosnow]

 

[Rogue Proxy]

Here's another joke I made up:

Where does the Sandman live?
In the Sonoran Desert.