Venting Family ruined me

[Nineinchnails]

I remember my first attempt being at 9 with a small rope i found, obviously it did nothing more than bruise my neck but it was the culmination of a desperate idea to stop all the suffering life gave me. 11 years later and I'm still in this situation, i now have many failed attempts on my record and yet my family only focuses on making me look "not depressed" so my mother can look like the best one between her siblings. I still remember when an attempt got so bad i ended up in the hospital, and her asking me why i did this to her, of all questions that could've been asked. I recently dropped out of college and yet my family fails to see how critical the situation is, pressuring me to do something to quickly rejoin society and stop being a stain in the family. I still don't know if my future attempts will be with the same "escape the pain" mindset with some other feelings of "look what you made me do" sprinkled on top (to my family) or just a way to make them feel hurt and broken their entire life, to feel failure once in their lives while i had to suffer it for so long, or maybe both, maybe even a "fuck this system I'm leaving" too, as everyone failed me, everyone failed to rescue me when i was a depressed child that contemplated suicide, a depressed adolescent that actively planned and attempted, and now a failure of a young adult who might do it. Idk life is hard i guess

 

[hi-okbye]

i'm so sorry for everything your going through/have gone through. i remember my first hospitalization my parents said something similar and it just kinda crushed me. i see your pain and i understand what your going through, i also see all the effort your putting in and i'm so sorry your family isn't acknowledging it. you desserve better and i really do hope you can find it. have you tried not being in contact with your family? maybe you can find your own purpose and support better on your own than when being brought down by your famiy.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

We all just need to CTB. That's the only way our families will learn. We get freedom, they get taught a lesson.

 

[Nineinchnails]

i'm so sorry for everything your going through/have gone through. i remember my first hospitalization my parents said something similar and it just kinda crushed me. i see your pain and i understand what your going through, i also see all the effort your putting in and i'm so sorry your family isn't acknowledging it. you desserve better and i really do hope you can find it. have you tried not being in contact with your family? maybe you can find your own purpose and support better on your own than when being brought down by your famiy.

I am kinda stuck now with them as i figure out what's wrong with my feet (i can't even walk due to pain), so working is not even an option now. And i simply don't have the mental health to work nor study, I've been burnout for like 3 years but endured it until i couldn't. I guess it's just the end for me, I've never enjoyed life tho

 

[Iwillhavepeace]

I know the feeling I'm basically a loser too and don't have the patience to work or study
It's not only exhausting it's also physically painful due to insomnia so the fact that they're always pushing me to do things instead of getting my life issues fixed first frustrates me

 

[user56765567]

I can relate on some level of having a fucked up family who see you as a failure. I mean when they tell you and remind you on occasions that you're not the son they wanted and have failed god it just hurts no matter how you phrase it. I just feel like a complete failure to them in the physical, mental, and spiritual sense even if I don't believe in the spiritual anymore. I just feel unwanted and like a loser to most of the people I have been around in my life. It sucks what you have had to go through and my heart does go out to you.