ctbcat
Yes, the everlasting contrast.
- Jul 14, 2023
- 220
last morning, my family kind of showed their true colors, and ever since i haven't been able to stop thinking about it... i can't forgive them for it... i can't forgive any of them...
i've never had a screaming match like that before. i'm very conflict avoidant - i don't actually usually have arguments with anyone in my life ever. but it all culminated into that morning, and my dad shouted at me, and then my sister virtually... bullied me. it didn't matter what i said because i was already guilty. i tried to be rational, tried to get them to see my side for once, because it's always about them - they always tell me what i'm doing to them as if i don't know, as if i don't consider it 24/7... i just got painted into different things instead. the victimising cunt, the psychotic freak, the torturous child.... i told my sister i didn't like this, that i don't want this, that i keep everything secret for a reason. but she said that i do - she insisted that i do. i don't think there's an ounce of truth to that. i wouldn't bin food and make it look like there were leftovers if i wanted this. i wouldn't puke to relieve myself out of guilt after eating family dinners in secret if i wanted this. i wouldn't have scars just high enough to be hidden under shorts if i wanted this. i keep everything under my skin. yes, i get caught due to stupid, stupid mistakes. but they're never on purpose - i'm lazy due to my depression, and so little cracks form instead when i'm too lazy to properly hide things.
my dad hit my head. threw one of those reusable strawed cups at my ankle. it's only a little sore now, but i'm sad. it probably won't bruise. i at least want it to bruise - evidence of one part of it... but it doesn't matter.
i got welfare checked about my food. nothing about the fight brought up. what good does it make if i did, though? ... i have to suffer in a family that i not only FEEL doesn't want me, but now KNOW doesn't want me. and i can't die due to my own poor will.
i'm so lost...
my friends love me. but that's it. it's not like i'm not grateful for it - i'm more grateful for their love than anything, and i find myself unable to understand why they'd even want me as a friend sometimes.
but i can't live for them. i can't live for anything... and yet i do. too lazy to hang yourself. too lazy to research places to jump... too lazy to strangle yourself with this or that... i'm stuck.
.... i don't know. i can go on and on about how lost and trapped i feel. but it doesn't matter. i will live tomorrow. i will live the day after. i will live in a week. and each day i will be the same sort of miserable.
i've never had a screaming match like that before. i'm very conflict avoidant - i don't actually usually have arguments with anyone in my life ever. but it all culminated into that morning, and my dad shouted at me, and then my sister virtually... bullied me. it didn't matter what i said because i was already guilty. i tried to be rational, tried to get them to see my side for once, because it's always about them - they always tell me what i'm doing to them as if i don't know, as if i don't consider it 24/7... i just got painted into different things instead. the victimising cunt, the psychotic freak, the torturous child.... i told my sister i didn't like this, that i don't want this, that i keep everything secret for a reason. but she said that i do - she insisted that i do. i don't think there's an ounce of truth to that. i wouldn't bin food and make it look like there were leftovers if i wanted this. i wouldn't puke to relieve myself out of guilt after eating family dinners in secret if i wanted this. i wouldn't have scars just high enough to be hidden under shorts if i wanted this. i keep everything under my skin. yes, i get caught due to stupid, stupid mistakes. but they're never on purpose - i'm lazy due to my depression, and so little cracks form instead when i'm too lazy to properly hide things.
my dad hit my head. threw one of those reusable strawed cups at my ankle. it's only a little sore now, but i'm sad. it probably won't bruise. i at least want it to bruise - evidence of one part of it... but it doesn't matter.
i got welfare checked about my food. nothing about the fight brought up. what good does it make if i did, though? ... i have to suffer in a family that i not only FEEL doesn't want me, but now KNOW doesn't want me. and i can't die due to my own poor will.
i'm so lost...
my friends love me. but that's it. it's not like i'm not grateful for it - i'm more grateful for their love than anything, and i find myself unable to understand why they'd even want me as a friend sometimes.
but i can't live for them. i can't live for anything... and yet i do. too lazy to hang yourself. too lazy to research places to jump... too lazy to strangle yourself with this or that... i'm stuck.
.... i don't know. i can go on and on about how lost and trapped i feel. but it doesn't matter. i will live tomorrow. i will live the day after. i will live in a week. and each day i will be the same sort of miserable.
