jenny6391bubbles
a hikikomori waiting to catch the bus
- Mar 1, 2021
- 87
my bro (14) just yells and says slurs whenever he plays games (no matter how many times we tell him off) and today he hit me because he thought i was laughing at him getting angry at a game. my parents scold him but they kinda just stop there. it's just a shallow scolding. besides that, he wants to off himself because he thinks the world is shitty (he got that from reading news, not me).
i want to leave the house but i dont live in america where it's easier for people my age to gain independence. i need money from my parents so i have no choice but to stay here. i dont know why my parents are so passive about my brother. he shows signs of being a potential school shooter for fucks sake. he keeps saying he wants to kill people and becoming part of a mafia, like almost every day. he wants to commit mass genocide and shit and it's really concerning.
we already got him a psych appointment but idk how helpful it'll be. i honestly think he should take a grippy sock vacation or stay in a psych facility because he's so unstable right now. i'm trying my best to be nice to him by getting him like food and drinks when he forgets to eat, or talking and listening to him, but it's never enough. when i get a job im getting myself sterilized because i dont want a kid like me or my brother. or even if theyre fine, i dont want to raise them in such a broken world.
my main coping mechanism is like embarrassing but i just read reader insert fanfiction and sometimes write my own reader inserts too. i know avoiding reality is like, bad, but it's honestly just too much for me at times. i just want to feel loved, be loved, and feel safe. my mom wont let me go to my bf's house because she doesnt want me to have sex with my bf but idk... at the cost of getting verbally and physically abused by my brother? idk man. doesnt seem right.
i want to feel safe for once. i havent felt safety ever since i got sexually assaulted by someone who considered me their close friend. because of that, i have difficulty trusting any cishet male im friends with because theres always this thought at the back of my mind that they could betray my trust. i fucking wish life gets better from here but im pretty sure it doesnt because we have someone with shit for brains as a president and a vice president (even the senate), plus we have climate change to worry about. kinda stupid but i wish i'll get to make a significant scientific contribution or like star in a hit show or movie so that i could have made an impact in the world because i feel so useless. weak and useless.
i wish i could ctb but i wanna try to hang on for my bf even though we got in a minor fight today (i made a lot of mistakes while playing a game with him and he got frustrated). he makes me feel safe when im physically with him and his family is also pretty sane and nice.
speaking of which, i got bullied for half of my life in high school. the worst experience ive had was when someone made fun of me and my boyfriend always sitting together in math class so this motherfucker decided to send a meme in the class groupchat of some couple doing weird kinky shit in a class. my bf and i never did shit like that in class. this dipshit even had the audacity to say "wrong send :)" and so many people in the groupchat were saying "HAHAHA" and man i felt so bad. i also overheard the next day from the guy himself that it wasn't a wrong send, he purposefully sent it to the class groupchat. man i felt so many emotions that time. i wanted to die, i wanted to break up with my bf because i felt so embarrassed, and i felt betrayed because that person who sent the meme, i trusted him. i thought i could trust him because he was nice to me the year before.
and now my high school is asking if we want an irl graduation since we all just graduated online 2 years ago? i dont want to see my bullies there. maybe ill just get food and eat in a corner or a bathroom stall if there's catering.
im running out of things that can ground me to my real world life and self, and im leaning more towards just living in my daydreams and imagination at this point. i just want to live in my headspace. god help me.
i want to leave the house but i dont live in america where it's easier for people my age to gain independence. i need money from my parents so i have no choice but to stay here. i dont know why my parents are so passive about my brother. he shows signs of being a potential school shooter for fucks sake. he keeps saying he wants to kill people and becoming part of a mafia, like almost every day. he wants to commit mass genocide and shit and it's really concerning.
we already got him a psych appointment but idk how helpful it'll be. i honestly think he should take a grippy sock vacation or stay in a psych facility because he's so unstable right now. i'm trying my best to be nice to him by getting him like food and drinks when he forgets to eat, or talking and listening to him, but it's never enough. when i get a job im getting myself sterilized because i dont want a kid like me or my brother. or even if theyre fine, i dont want to raise them in such a broken world.
my main coping mechanism is like embarrassing but i just read reader insert fanfiction and sometimes write my own reader inserts too. i know avoiding reality is like, bad, but it's honestly just too much for me at times. i just want to feel loved, be loved, and feel safe. my mom wont let me go to my bf's house because she doesnt want me to have sex with my bf but idk... at the cost of getting verbally and physically abused by my brother? idk man. doesnt seem right.
i want to feel safe for once. i havent felt safety ever since i got sexually assaulted by someone who considered me their close friend. because of that, i have difficulty trusting any cishet male im friends with because theres always this thought at the back of my mind that they could betray my trust. i fucking wish life gets better from here but im pretty sure it doesnt because we have someone with shit for brains as a president and a vice president (even the senate), plus we have climate change to worry about. kinda stupid but i wish i'll get to make a significant scientific contribution or like star in a hit show or movie so that i could have made an impact in the world because i feel so useless. weak and useless.
i wish i could ctb but i wanna try to hang on for my bf even though we got in a minor fight today (i made a lot of mistakes while playing a game with him and he got frustrated). he makes me feel safe when im physically with him and his family is also pretty sane and nice.
speaking of which, i got bullied for half of my life in high school. the worst experience ive had was when someone made fun of me and my boyfriend always sitting together in math class so this motherfucker decided to send a meme in the class groupchat of some couple doing weird kinky shit in a class. my bf and i never did shit like that in class. this dipshit even had the audacity to say "wrong send :)" and so many people in the groupchat were saying "HAHAHA" and man i felt so bad. i also overheard the next day from the guy himself that it wasn't a wrong send, he purposefully sent it to the class groupchat. man i felt so many emotions that time. i wanted to die, i wanted to break up with my bf because i felt so embarrassed, and i felt betrayed because that person who sent the meme, i trusted him. i thought i could trust him because he was nice to me the year before.
and now my high school is asking if we want an irl graduation since we all just graduated online 2 years ago? i dont want to see my bullies there. maybe ill just get food and eat in a corner or a bathroom stall if there's catering.
im running out of things that can ground me to my real world life and self, and im leaning more towards just living in my daydreams and imagination at this point. i just want to live in my headspace. god help me.
