ANTALWOODA
Member
- Mar 16, 2023
- 32
It's 9:41 am at moment, woke up early today, didn't get quality sleep but that's usual, my mother was raging at me today, she hates me and sees me as another object in her life, i wish i was adopted by someone when i was kid, one day she acts sweet and caring second day she will unload and project all the bad on me, comparing me to others, calling me mean names, cursing, says she wishes i was never born and i died in her womb, i do not know exactly how i survived this all my life, i feel damaged beyond hope of repair, how do cruel people get to have children and never really care about them, if you ask people around them they are sweet and caring but behind closed doors constant wrath is being unloaded, not sure if there is another life after my death, all i wish is to be born in family where i will be accepted and loved, father you never loved me, you abused me most of my life and did same to my sister? Was my father pedophile and sick person as i heard how she forced me to do things when i was little? I don't know, why x id my grandmother absused me, so much hate in them for me, my whole family discarded me, this all will not matter sometime after i am gone, i was suicidal when i was about 16 and my father said don't feel way you do, are you gay? He said, because if you are i don't need son like that, son you are failure to me, son i am ashamed of you, son i am ashamed to be around you, fuck this shit.
Is it okay to question my reality and whole personality on constant basis? Is it okay to think of dying constantly daily from since 16 and now 27? How did i even survive all this, i often wish i died when i was 3 after burn injuries that happened in small village, that for sure had impact on me that can never be undone, people look at my hands and say it's disgusting, it's disgusting way i look, i will probably never have healthy and peaceful relationships, i feel way too broken for this, i hate myself often, looking in mirror is like seeing worst person that was born on planet, maybe i should not bother too much about my imaginary bright future that sometimes appears on my dreams, i wanna get drunk and die by hypothermia or drowning somewhere alone away from people, i don't wanna be found after that, suicide is something that often brings peace and comfort to me, is it okay to feel this way, can't talk about such with people i have close in real life, i think such thinking is way too heavy and hard to grasp for most, what's point anyways? If you read this long sorry it was long, all i needed was to vent today, i wish to not exist, i hope to have courage soon to stop existing, this life is nothing but suffering to me, fuck it all, fuck this life, fuck pretending to be okay, i am not fucking okay, sorry, peace.
Is it okay to question my reality and whole personality on constant basis? Is it okay to think of dying constantly daily from since 16 and now 27? How did i even survive all this, i often wish i died when i was 3 after burn injuries that happened in small village, that for sure had impact on me that can never be undone, people look at my hands and say it's disgusting, it's disgusting way i look, i will probably never have healthy and peaceful relationships, i feel way too broken for this, i hate myself often, looking in mirror is like seeing worst person that was born on planet, maybe i should not bother too much about my imaginary bright future that sometimes appears on my dreams, i wanna get drunk and die by hypothermia or drowning somewhere alone away from people, i don't wanna be found after that, suicide is something that often brings peace and comfort to me, is it okay to feel this way, can't talk about such with people i have close in real life, i think such thinking is way too heavy and hard to grasp for most, what's point anyways? If you read this long sorry it was long, all i needed was to vent today, i wish to not exist, i hope to have courage soon to stop existing, this life is nothing but suffering to me, fuck it all, fuck this life, fuck pretending to be okay, i am not fucking okay, sorry, peace.
