Fallen back into a cycle of just continually putting off the date every time it grows near. Anyone know how to beat this?

[Bong-Hit-Transplant]

Had a date that I completely intended to follow through with, and then something genuinely outside of my control made that impossible. After that I just kind of fell into a depression. It's like I can barely force myself to do anything that isn't immediate pleasurable. I keep picking these dates that work perfectly well, and then just bailing on them the week before. I keep telling myself it's okay to put it off until I feel ready, but it's evident that I'll just keep doing this for the rest of my life if I let it.

It's just so fucking easy to blow off a plan to stay up watching TV instead, and then the date finally comes around and I feel this intense regret realizing that it could've been my last day if I had just stuck to my guns. Anyone else found themselves in a similar slump?

 

[whitefeather]

Yes, even with 2 bottles of N on hand. This week I drempt that I tried to drink it and spilled it all.

 

[Lost Magic]

yeah, that's survival instinct for you. Maybe, try not to set an arbitrary date and just go with the flow. You may not be ready to die yet tbh. I think people will just know when it is their time and be ready to let go when the time comes. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think that it can be hard to stick to a date for ctb as life is unpredictable and uncertain and things can easily get in the way. I also think that many people manage to go through with ctb when the pain of living gets unbearable for them and they get desperate, it is just a feeling they have that they know it is time to leave, they are certain and have no more doubts. I think that you cannot force these feelings. I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from suffering.

 

[ewigeruhe]

Can relate but only to an extent since i tried 4 times already if i had N or SN on hand i would be gone already but it seems i only have partial hanging left as an option.
I will drinka lot tonight and watch sad movies and probably try it tomorrow. Hopefully i will succeed this time.

 

[Curious Cat]

Had a date that I completely intended to follow through with, and then something genuinely outside of my control made that impossible. After that I just kind of fell into a depression. It's like I can barely force myself to do anything that isn't immediate pleasurable. I keep picking these dates that work perfectly well, and then just bailing on them the week before. I keep telling myself it's okay to put it off until I feel ready, but it's evident that I'll just keep doing this for the rest of my life if I let it.

It's just so fucking easy to blow off a plan to stay up watching TV instead, and then the date finally comes around and I feel this intense regret realizing that it could've been my last day if I had just stuck to my guns. Anyone else found themselves in a similar slump?

Allow me to reply to your question with a quote by a person who successfully—yet not without several attempts—took his own life by order of his Emperor:

"Life is not a bed of roses. You have set out on a long road. You are bound to trip up, collide, fall down, get tired, and exclaim, I'm ready to die—which will be a lie." – Seneca, Letters on Ethics 107.2

As to why we can't follow through, here's another saying of his that continues to be relevant both figuratively and literally:

"Be honest: it is not any longing for the Senate House or the Forum, or even for the world as a whole, that makes you reluctant to die. What you cannot part from is only your butcher shop." – Seneca, Letters on Ethics 77.17

In other words, the far majority of us are ruled by our passions; i.e., anger, fear and greed.

 

[Darkover]

death is without a doubt preferable to life on this earth hopefully for all time

 

[Fktw0rld]

I know the feeling. I'll share my plan, maybe it will help. I've already tested it twice and it literally brought me to a level of low to no SI. I purchased kratom and a bunch of energy pills, loaded with caffeine online. I started taking things regularly, as needed. Super low dosage, some days none. Then I focus on loading myself up for 3 days and being in an artificially great mood. Like heavy dosages. About 5 teaspoons of kratom and 6 caffeine pills a day. Then on the 4th day I take nothing. And I literally crash and burn at the lowest level of demons and depression. I monitor my mindset throughout the day and find myself with low to no SI, like f*** it, I'll stick a knife in my neck right now type of no SI. When I recognize that it brings me to a point of no hesitation I'll take something to improve my mood.

Obviously, when the day comes, the only thing I'll be taking to improve my mood will be SN.

It's similar to taking adderall or any amphetamines, opioids and things of the like, becoming dependent and allowing it to dump all your feel good chemicals then stopping cold turkey.

Edit: ....not saying to do it or anything. Just telling you what helps me

 

[watchingthewheels]

Had a date that I completely intended to follow through with, and then something genuinely outside of my control made that impossible. After that I just kind of fell into a depression. It's like I can barely force myself to do anything that isn't immediate pleasurable. I keep picking these dates that work perfectly well, and then just bailing on them the week before. I keep telling myself it's okay to put it off until I feel ready, but it's evident that I'll just keep doing this for the rest of my life if I let it.

It's just so fucking easy to blow off a plan to stay up watching TV instead, and then the date finally comes around and I feel this intense regret realizing that it could've been my last day if I had just stuck to my guns. Anyone else found themselves in a similar slump?

My understanding is that physical depression is evolutionary designed to keep one from doing something drastic like CTB, sets in after one is all wound up...

 

[outrider567]

No date needed, since my set-up just takes a few minutes--When its time, its time