Venting Faking a smile

[Relief]

I've caged myself inside my apartment for the past three days without moving, getting fresh hair, putting on presentable clothing or taking care of the place. I've stopped going to uni and ordered a necktie so I can hang myself in a few weeks. Today, however, I need to put a "big girl smile" on and get together with my uni group to give a presentation. I wonder how well (or unwell) I'll be able to pretend... Can it be that no one will notice? or worse, can it be that I'm so down that I won't be able to go undercover at all?
I just wonder how people are walking around, smiling, hugging, talking about superficialities (and ENJOYING IT) while I was born with the mind of a lunatic. This time around I don't feel numb, I feel angry and revolted. It's unfair and I don't deserve to spend a lifetime fighting with my own consciousness. I just wonder why me...

 

[SinisterKid]

Suicidal people all deserve Oscar's they are so damned good at acting. The alternatives are usually not something the outside world are comfortable with.

When casually asked if I am ok/alright my stock answers is, "Yeah, doing fine thanks, how are you"? because no one really wants to hear the truth of "No, I am in a very dark place and am seriously considering ending my life" That is a sure fire conversation killer if ever there was one! Say something like that to a doc or psyche and you risk being locked up.

So yes, you can do it and become very good at doing it. I am now expert at laughing and nodding in all the right places without actually hearing a word that is said.

Best of luck with the presentation, I hope it goes well and dont forget.........SMILE

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I can relate. I spent most of my life like that as a high functioning alcoholic. I'd often try to appear cheerful especially at work even though I felt awful. People thought I was confident when it was all a huge act. I just copied how other people acted and hoped it would become real for me.

 

[JimFord99]

It can be trained to put on a smile (even if the reasons for smiling are wrong) and to appear perfectly normal. Nobody suspects anything..

 

[Mr2005]

I feel creepy with a fake smile

 

[JimFord99]

I feel creepy with a fake smile

That is ok, it matters how others feel about it. The less they suspect the better it will be for you.

 

[Mr2005]

I've stopped trying to fake it. I can't so I just stay away from people as much as possible

 

[Dystopia]

It's very draining having to be fake. I used to do customer service when I was working and it was soul crushing when I was extremely depressed. No idea how I coped so long before I broke down.

I hope your presentation went okay!

 

[Relief]

It's very draining having to be fake. I used to do customer service when I was working and it was soul crushing when I was extremely depressed. No idea how I coped so long before I broke down.

I hope your presentation went okay!

Suicidal people all deserve Oscar's they are so damned good at acting. The alternatives are usually not something the outside world are comfortable with.

When casually asked if I am ok/alright my stock answers is, "Yeah, doing fine thanks, how are you"? because no one really wants to hear the truth of "No, I am in a very dark place and am seriously considering ending my life" That is a sure fire conversation killer if ever there was one! Say something like that to a doc or psyche and you risk being locked up.

So yes, you can do it and become very good at doing it. I am now expert at laughing and nodding in all the right places without actually hearing a word that is said.

Best of luck with the presentation, I hope it goes well and dont forget.........SMILE

For those who wished me good luck, thank you so much the presentation went great for the most part, was able to pretend I was doing wonderful and had multiple people ask me why I didn't go to the party afterwards. A part of me wonders how the hell I can get "in the zone" as soon as see someone and just act naively happy for that long...

 

[SinisterKid]

Glad it went well. Now, if you can find a way to harness what you did so you can use it to your advantage, there is every chance you can find a equilibrium that could potentially make a life worth living. I had smoked since the age of 9 and weed since I was 13 and I spent 12 days in hospital isolation so could not smoke. I just thought if I can go 12 days without smoking, I can 13, so I did, 13 became 14 etc etc and I have now not smoked for 11 years.

Thats just a example to show it is possible to turn a situation to your advantage. A poor analogy I know, but could not think of anything better on the spur of the moment.