atarix
New Member
- Jul 18, 2023
- 1
The days are becoming shorter and shorter. When I was young and ignorant, I filled my life with meticulous planning regarding my future. When I was 18 years old, I got kicked out. The months prior to my birthday, I hadn't made the best decisions when it came to money; resulting in not having anything when I was thrown to the streets. I moved out of state, in with a distant family member whom I had not spoken to in years. She let me stay in her basement, which I was grateful for. I got enough money to get on my feet, moved into my own apartment, still 18 years old. I got a job working in an agency where I did crisis intervention. I was still struggling with money, but enjoyed my job too much to quit. I did Uber Eats and DoorDash for up to 16 hrs a day when I could to make ends meet. This was probably my peak, which to me is sad. I later left my job to join a correctional institution. This job offered me enough money to live comfortably. I got some of my debt paid off, since I had to take out several loans when I was 18 to cover moving expenses. I met a man who I will call Jacob. Jacob offered me the world when we first began dating. I met him on Tinder, (first mistake). We would go out to lots of beautiful places, I always paid, but I was the breadwinner and didn't really think much of it. He told things that made me uncomfortable at first. For example, we would be laying in bed and he would pull my cheeks back and tell me that I would be prettier if I lost more weight. Eventually the comments progressed and he wouldn't allow me to eat anything that wasn't permitted by him. After meals, if he felt that I had ate too much, he would shove his fingers down my throat and make me throw up what I had just eaten. I didn't want to leave him because I wasn't on good terms with my family and didn't have any friends. At this point in my life, I was very co-dependent and would rather deal with someone this toxic, than be alone. Jacob would force himself on me, he would say things about how he was 'helping' me out, so I had to return the favors. Eventually things with Jacob turned physical. I would be showing up to work, black and blue. My supervisor eventually filed a BOLO (be on look out) for our agency, because I told her what had been happening. Jacob was in the military, and because the BOLO was filed by a law enforcement agency, the military found out about it. I was called in for an interrogation regarding the events that had happened with Jacob. My supervisor told them everything and showed them pictures she had took of my face and body. I decided that I didn't want to tell them the whole truth, after being assured that he couldn't legally contact me with a federal protection order. I never heard from Jacob again; I'm not sure if he is currently incarcerated.
During my free time, I was going on Discord to talk to strangers. This made me feel like I actually had friends, relieving the loneliness. I was friends with quite a few people for a few years, so they began to learn things about me that people IRL didn't know. I never thought that those things would ever come back to bite me in the ass. One of the people I was friends with, (lets call him Alex) was an alcoholic, and would say some super out-of-pocket stuff every once in a while. I got fed up with it and banned him from my discord server, causing him to start a group chat with our closest mutual friends, sharing my personal information, as well as several lies. They went so far as to saying I was a pedophile, which despite having 0 proof, people started to backlash and believe them. They knew where I worked and got me fired from my job. He found my address and started sending me pieces of mail. Every time I would use my computer, I would be confronted with some sort of online harassment. They still to this day, send emails about random bullshit. They sold my full government name, place of work, address, families names, emails, phone numbers and photos to whomever wanted it online. I tried contacting discord, but the issue was far past that. I was followed on several occasions in my city during this time, law enforcement couldn't do anything about it. These people were almost completely anonymous. Alex went so far as to have people befriend me for several months, just to try and figure out my plans for the future to try and ruin them. I decided I was going to move, I was talking to someone I previously worked with about the hiring process for the PD I was applying for, and they turned on me when they heard everything going on and told one of the people working with Alex. They got me fired from the job I had gotten in the state I was about to move to, leaving me without a plan for when I got down there.
I started smoking weed, I remembered the feeling from high school and wanted to experience being truly numb again. I moved again, out of state. This time, my younger sister was in the car with my father when I was on the phone with him, and she told her mother, (my fathers ex wife) that I sounded upset. I received a phone call from my fathers ex, who basically raised me when I was young. She told me that since I'm already moving, I can come stay with her for a while. I accepted the offer, and she helped in tremendous ways financially. She bribed me with weed and money. At that time, that was enough to satisfy me. She kept leaving on 'business trips' with her new husband, leaving me to take care of my younger sister. She would tell me things like, "you don't need a job, I can help you pay your debt off and you can work for me" which sounded nice at the time. I started to notice some red flags. She told me there weren't any cameras or recording devices in the house, but I was suspicious. She would always call me and discuss things that I had said out loud in the house prior. I eventually uncovered several cameras and a recording device. The cameras were everywhere in the house. Bedrooms, bathrooms, garage, outside, etc. She freaked out when I confronted her with the discovery, and immediately offered to let me have the login information for the connected applications. She told me that it was just for safety, and they used it to monitor my 12 year old sister when they left her home alone... I just brushed it off, because I didn't want to believe how creepy that was. I convinced myself that her behaviors were normal. She convinced me to completely disown all of my remaining family members, so I did. She told me that they were all toxic and pointed out some valid examples. She started to say things about putting my vehicle in her name so I didn't have the burden of a car loan. She also told me that I should put my phone in her name so I didn't have to worry about paying that either. She mentioned things about how she's known this guy, (who I will call James), for several decades. She said that she wanted to set me up with James, who is in his 50's and has been having affairs with her for over 20 years. After she returned from her business trip, she told me that we would be moving out, off the grid; with James. She started to make us go to OTO meetings, because that was the 'religion' she was a part of. I started to realize that none of this behavior was normal, she was trying to take over my life. She began to insinuate that she would be leaving permanently, as if she was planning on running away with her new husband. Leaving me with her 12 year old child. When I was younger, she convinced me that my biological mother was poisoning my food with rat poison, I was violently ill and went to the emergency room at least twice a week. In the days following my departure, I found some arsenic in her closet and a water bottle that was labeled, "do not drink". My younger sister had been showing the same type of symptoms I had when I was younger.
I had enough. I left her home a couple of weeks ago, moving in with a friend that somehow still forgave me despite completely ghosting them. I don't have any family left. I don't have any friends that care. The person I live with doesn't want to listen to anything that I have to say, and 100% ignores conversations that I try to have with them. They have made it very clear that this is a temporary living situation. I have been doing LSD and Shrooms almost every single day. I'm constantly high because when I'm sober I'm confronted with all of these unwanted emotions that I cannot get rid of. I have attempted before, but I haven't done it correctly; considering I'm still here. I feel like I have messed up my opportunities, financially, emotionally, and physically. I'm too scared to try more severe methods of expiration.
P.S.
I'm 20, this is just what has been going on the past couple of years in a very brief explanation. I know that others have had it worse, so I apologize if this is triggering to you. I guess I am just not as strong as others.
During my free time, I was going on Discord to talk to strangers. This made me feel like I actually had friends, relieving the loneliness. I was friends with quite a few people for a few years, so they began to learn things about me that people IRL didn't know. I never thought that those things would ever come back to bite me in the ass. One of the people I was friends with, (lets call him Alex) was an alcoholic, and would say some super out-of-pocket stuff every once in a while. I got fed up with it and banned him from my discord server, causing him to start a group chat with our closest mutual friends, sharing my personal information, as well as several lies. They went so far as to saying I was a pedophile, which despite having 0 proof, people started to backlash and believe them. They knew where I worked and got me fired from my job. He found my address and started sending me pieces of mail. Every time I would use my computer, I would be confronted with some sort of online harassment. They still to this day, send emails about random bullshit. They sold my full government name, place of work, address, families names, emails, phone numbers and photos to whomever wanted it online. I tried contacting discord, but the issue was far past that. I was followed on several occasions in my city during this time, law enforcement couldn't do anything about it. These people were almost completely anonymous. Alex went so far as to have people befriend me for several months, just to try and figure out my plans for the future to try and ruin them. I decided I was going to move, I was talking to someone I previously worked with about the hiring process for the PD I was applying for, and they turned on me when they heard everything going on and told one of the people working with Alex. They got me fired from the job I had gotten in the state I was about to move to, leaving me without a plan for when I got down there.
I started smoking weed, I remembered the feeling from high school and wanted to experience being truly numb again. I moved again, out of state. This time, my younger sister was in the car with my father when I was on the phone with him, and she told her mother, (my fathers ex wife) that I sounded upset. I received a phone call from my fathers ex, who basically raised me when I was young. She told me that since I'm already moving, I can come stay with her for a while. I accepted the offer, and she helped in tremendous ways financially. She bribed me with weed and money. At that time, that was enough to satisfy me. She kept leaving on 'business trips' with her new husband, leaving me to take care of my younger sister. She would tell me things like, "you don't need a job, I can help you pay your debt off and you can work for me" which sounded nice at the time. I started to notice some red flags. She told me there weren't any cameras or recording devices in the house, but I was suspicious. She would always call me and discuss things that I had said out loud in the house prior. I eventually uncovered several cameras and a recording device. The cameras were everywhere in the house. Bedrooms, bathrooms, garage, outside, etc. She freaked out when I confronted her with the discovery, and immediately offered to let me have the login information for the connected applications. She told me that it was just for safety, and they used it to monitor my 12 year old sister when they left her home alone... I just brushed it off, because I didn't want to believe how creepy that was. I convinced myself that her behaviors were normal. She convinced me to completely disown all of my remaining family members, so I did. She told me that they were all toxic and pointed out some valid examples. She started to say things about putting my vehicle in her name so I didn't have the burden of a car loan. She also told me that I should put my phone in her name so I didn't have to worry about paying that either. She mentioned things about how she's known this guy, (who I will call James), for several decades. She said that she wanted to set me up with James, who is in his 50's and has been having affairs with her for over 20 years. After she returned from her business trip, she told me that we would be moving out, off the grid; with James. She started to make us go to OTO meetings, because that was the 'religion' she was a part of. I started to realize that none of this behavior was normal, she was trying to take over my life. She began to insinuate that she would be leaving permanently, as if she was planning on running away with her new husband. Leaving me with her 12 year old child. When I was younger, she convinced me that my biological mother was poisoning my food with rat poison, I was violently ill and went to the emergency room at least twice a week. In the days following my departure, I found some arsenic in her closet and a water bottle that was labeled, "do not drink". My younger sister had been showing the same type of symptoms I had when I was younger.
I had enough. I left her home a couple of weeks ago, moving in with a friend that somehow still forgave me despite completely ghosting them. I don't have any family left. I don't have any friends that care. The person I live with doesn't want to listen to anything that I have to say, and 100% ignores conversations that I try to have with them. They have made it very clear that this is a temporary living situation. I have been doing LSD and Shrooms almost every single day. I'm constantly high because when I'm sober I'm confronted with all of these unwanted emotions that I cannot get rid of. I have attempted before, but I haven't done it correctly; considering I'm still here. I feel like I have messed up my opportunities, financially, emotionally, and physically. I'm too scared to try more severe methods of expiration.
P.S.
I'm 20, this is just what has been going on the past couple of years in a very brief explanation. I know that others have had it worse, so I apologize if this is triggering to you. I guess I am just not as strong as others.
![[EmptySpace]](/data/avatars/s/60/60449.jpg?1681553553){kind=avatar}
