Failure to recover.

[watereyes]

And failure to do anything, really! After my failed attempt and stay in the ward I decided that I *might* try and recover and I'm trying. I bought myself a commodore 64 and trying to keep myself busy with it but I'm failing. Trying to keep myself busy with everything and still, I want to die soooo bad.

I tried everything I enjoyed doing to miserably fail in the end. And now I have to pretend everything's okay or ward time again.
I have a few things to do but I think I'm going to ctb again.
One thing that helped is calling suicide absolute bullshit. But in my heart I know it's not. It's a reasonable decision in my case. Living makes no sense.

So, no, I'm not recovering. I'm failing at it. I even failed suicide. I can't think of one thing I even partially succeed at [insert partial joke].

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I go through little failure cycles on a weekly, sometimes daily basis ngl. I hype myself up, start trying, run out of energy, stop trying and then settle back into feeling like a failure. It gets worse as time goes on as I don't even want to start trying anymore when I know that I'll end up failing again. I think what you need is to tackle some easier tasks that you can succeed at. The satisfaction of achieving even little things can go a long way.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

Ah yes I'm very familiar with this tug of war. I think most of us will battle depression for the rest of our lives. It becomes so ingrained into who you are.

 

[Sensei]

Ah yes I'm very familiar with this tug of war. I think most of us will battle depression for the rest of our lives. It becomes so ingrained into who you are.

I'm not sure I agree. Some people do manage to recover from severe depressions. Undoubtedly, they are scarred on the inside and probably feel somewhat emptier than before the big D, but somehow they manage to leave the darkness behind and live something resembling a normal life. Obviously, I'm only talking about normal, i.e. non-genetic, depressions here.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

I'm not sure I agree. Some people do manage to recover from severe depressions. Undoubtedly, they are scarred on the inside and probably feel somewhat emptier than before the big D, but somehow they manage to leave the darkness behind and live something resembling a normal life. Obviously, I'm only talking about normal, i.e. non-genetic, depressions here.

You may be right, I'm just speaking from my own experiences which is why I led the sentence with "I think." Always good to have your imput though brother.

 

[Bea]

I'm not sure I agree. Some people do manage to recover from severe depressions. Undoubtedly, they are scarred on the inside and probably feel somewhat emptier than before the big D, but somehow they manage to leave the darkness behind and live something resembling a normal life. Obviously, I'm only talking about normal, i.e. non-genetic, depressions here.

yes, there's quite a difference between temporary situational depression (as many are suffering with in the current climate) and an actual depressive disorder. it is quite possible that many of us will deal with major depression all our lives, although i find a lot of hope in psychedelic therapies. i just wish they'd hurry up and legalize it and offer it on insurance. hopefully, for the upcoming generations of mentally ill, it will be a valid option for treatment.

And failure to do anything, really! After my failed attempt and stay in the ward I decided that I *might* try and recover and I'm trying. I bought myself a commodore 64 and trying to keep myself busy with it but I'm failing. Trying to keep myself busy with everything and still, I want to die soooo bad.

I tried everything I enjoyed doing to miserably fail in the end. And now I have to pretend everything's okay or ward time again.
I have a few things to do but I think I'm going to ctb again.
One thing that helped is calling suicide absolute bullshit. But in my heart I know it's not. It's a reasonable decision in my case. Living makes no sense.

So, no, I'm not recovering. I'm failing at it. I even failed suicide. I can't think of one thing I even partially succeed at [insert partial joke].
[/QUO

there's a term for it: rational suicide. i say that not to encourage you to commit suicide but to remind you that, for some of us, it makes sense. i understand, although i don't know the details of your situation. i also relate to how being in a "ward" for awhile usually doesn't help. sending much love, understanding, and acceptance to you. thank you for sharing so openly. it helps others, believe it or not. humility and honesty are appealing qualities.
have you considered writing about your experiences?

 

[Sensei]

[...]I find a lot of hope in psychedelic therapies. i just wish they'd hurry up and legalize it and offer it on insurance. hopefully, for the upcoming generations of mentally ill, it will be a valid option for treatment.

I think some scheduled drugs, be they dissociatives, empathogens, opioids or hallucinogens, will become standard tools in psychiatric care witin 20 years, a renaissance of sorts. Do you perchance know what scheduled psychedelics are used in therapeutic experiments as of now? I'm asking because there are several unscheduled hallucinogens that potentially could be used for self-medication. It's admitteldy a dangerous path, but perhaps the only option except death for many people.

 

[mathieu]

You say you've decided to recover when you were in the ward and now you're feeling suicidal and low so it's a failure, but I don't think it is. You can't just click your fingers and expect to be instantly cured, recovery will take time. If you are trying medication that will take time to show results. Up to two months sometimes and if the dose is changed you've got to wait another two months etc. it can take a long time to find the right combo of meds too. Therapy... it can also take time to find a therapist who suits you. Basically everything that helps helps slowly. Recovery is a journey.

In your other thread you mentioned things you've never done that you would like to. Now is the time to make those things happen. You said you will still feel suicidal but you can't know until you try. Loneliness is toxic for mental health and I think you'd be amazed at the difference with some connection in your life. You're a handsome, cool guy and there are so many people who'd love to get to know you.

Don't give up on yourself just yet. You have so much to offer.

P.S. I think another thing that would be worth trying is exercising vigorously and frequent sex. For the endorphins.

 

[watereyes]

You say you've decided to recover when you were in the ward and now you're feeling suicidal and low so it's a failure, but I don't think it is. You can't just click your fingers and expect to be instantly cured, recovery will take time. If you are trying medication that will take time to show results. Up to two months sometimes and if the dose is changed you've got to wait another two months etc. it can take a long time to find the right combo of meds too. Therapy... it can also take time to find a therapist who suits you. Basically everything that helps helps slowly. Recovery is a journey.

In your other thread you mentioned things you've never done that you would like to. Now is the time to make those things happen. You said you will still feel suicidal but you can't know until you try. Loneliness is toxic for mental health and I think you'd be amazed at the difference with some connection in your life. You're a handsome, cool guy and there are so many people who'd love to get to know you.

Don't give up on yourself just yet. You have so much to offer.

P.S. I think another thing that would be worth trying is exercising vigorously and frequent sex. For the endorphins.

I dont have the energy to write a long answer, but to keep it simple I don't want to go on that painful 'journey'.
love that P.S tho, come anytime