DreamingSalad
New Member
- Nov 9, 2023
- 1
I don't know whether this is venting or a story, so yeah. I started studying at a university ~4 hours away from home (I go home for every weekend), lost the cheap dorm after the first year there, I've never worked much in my life so I've living off of my parents money. This semester (being half a year) I failed 2 subjects, I hate how my mother reacted, I hate how much she threw everything back at me I told her that bothered me a week ago (being the financial situation, the lack of motivation and the need for psychiatric help).
In the meantime last semester I got to know someone really special to me online. I just loved chatting with her. Eventually I confessed, and said everything was fine, we can stay friends. I feel like she gaslit me into thinking she wasn't looking for love rn and that our future pictures don't match. Of course, it's now a month later and I realize everything she said was only about me - she has a boyfriend and does consider having children in the future.
Our conversations were... heavy on my side for quite a while because of the stress university gives me, the frustration because I was the only one keeping those DMs alive, the financial situation and me being a wreck in general, unable to do daily chores, losing motivation, eventually failing subjects.
Then I stopped writing to her about a week ago - no messages ever since. At least in DMs. On the discord servers I do write to her too about easy topics, nothing serious. (She also forgot about a gaming session I really wanted (that was coincidentally on the day I had my fight at Home with my mother, right after failing a crucial exam for my studies) - she was with her boyfriend of course.)
Now her, another discord friend and I (the 4th member of our group being sick) went to meet to go shopping. Well I didn't really have anything planned to buy, and I was just a ghost behind them the whole time. They have a better connection, and I'm a failure as a human being. My mind went wild during those couple of hours. Couldn't stop thinking about me being there is unnecessary, then it shifted to thinking about the connections with family members and my sister having so much better of a life than I have. Then some more bad shit.
Anyway I now just want to be a friend of hers. I was never angry (only slightly frustrated) and I'm not jealous anymore. But I know I won't get back those good old times, and I just know she resents me.
Right after that I closed discord after sending a message basically stating I'm gonna stay away from social interactions for a while - not gonna do anything suicidal, just taking a little time off.
I'm taking back on social media usage too (which I didn't write there). I currently have nothing to do before the semester starts (other than meeting with a friend group from highschool and replying to messages made by family members) so it's hard not doing anything. Especially when I'm still awake after laying in the bed doing nothing but staring at my eyelids for 2-3 hours. But the urge to open discord is starting to fade, and I started to pay attention when saying no to myself.
I have stuff to do next semester: I have university to get through, I have a driver's license to get, I have work to apply for. I want to end my summer going to a festival buying the ticket with my own money. These are the longest term goals I've had for a while now. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to achieve everything I want.
I've been feeling lonely, anxious, very stressed for quite a while. The fear of missing out is worse than ever. I also feel insecure even though I have the full support of my parents (especially my father).
I probably left out tons I would've liked to write down (and I hope what I ended up sharing makes sense), but this is enough to get off my chest right now. No regrets. And if anyone reads all this - thank you.
In the meantime last semester I got to know someone really special to me online. I just loved chatting with her. Eventually I confessed, and said everything was fine, we can stay friends. I feel like she gaslit me into thinking she wasn't looking for love rn and that our future pictures don't match. Of course, it's now a month later and I realize everything she said was only about me - she has a boyfriend and does consider having children in the future.
Our conversations were... heavy on my side for quite a while because of the stress university gives me, the frustration because I was the only one keeping those DMs alive, the financial situation and me being a wreck in general, unable to do daily chores, losing motivation, eventually failing subjects.
Then I stopped writing to her about a week ago - no messages ever since. At least in DMs. On the discord servers I do write to her too about easy topics, nothing serious. (She also forgot about a gaming session I really wanted (that was coincidentally on the day I had my fight at Home with my mother, right after failing a crucial exam for my studies) - she was with her boyfriend of course.)
Now her, another discord friend and I (the 4th member of our group being sick) went to meet to go shopping. Well I didn't really have anything planned to buy, and I was just a ghost behind them the whole time. They have a better connection, and I'm a failure as a human being. My mind went wild during those couple of hours. Couldn't stop thinking about me being there is unnecessary, then it shifted to thinking about the connections with family members and my sister having so much better of a life than I have. Then some more bad shit.
Anyway I now just want to be a friend of hers. I was never angry (only slightly frustrated) and I'm not jealous anymore. But I know I won't get back those good old times, and I just know she resents me.
Right after that I closed discord after sending a message basically stating I'm gonna stay away from social interactions for a while - not gonna do anything suicidal, just taking a little time off.
I'm taking back on social media usage too (which I didn't write there). I currently have nothing to do before the semester starts (other than meeting with a friend group from highschool and replying to messages made by family members) so it's hard not doing anything. Especially when I'm still awake after laying in the bed doing nothing but staring at my eyelids for 2-3 hours. But the urge to open discord is starting to fade, and I started to pay attention when saying no to myself.
I have stuff to do next semester: I have university to get through, I have a driver's license to get, I have work to apply for. I want to end my summer going to a festival buying the ticket with my own money. These are the longest term goals I've had for a while now. Maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to achieve everything I want.
I've been feeling lonely, anxious, very stressed for quite a while. The fear of missing out is worse than ever. I also feel insecure even though I have the full support of my parents (especially my father).
I probably left out tons I would've liked to write down (and I hope what I ended up sharing makes sense), but this is enough to get off my chest right now. No regrets. And if anyone reads all this - thank you.
