Venting Failed partial suspension

[naut]

I feel absolutely pathetic. I had been planning to CTB for a while now, prepared everything, said my goodbyes and wrote a note, but spent a good 3-4 hours trying to go unconscious on the rope. It was 2 am before I gave up, the pain in my neck and the fear being discovered was growing in me. I just kind of sat around, with messages from the few friends that saw my note. I feel absolutely pathetic that despite all the pain that led up to this moment where I could finally find some relief I couldn't even manage to successfully go unconscious. I tried different positions, anchors, padding, everything. It just seems that partial suspension isn't the method for me. It's unbearable living another day knowing that I've exposed the most vulnerable moment of my life and having a future that holds nothing. I feel miserable and ashamed that I can't even relieve myself of this pain. I can't get my grades up, maintain relationships, or even kill myself. It's so pathetic.

 

[GettingGone]

I feel absolutely pathetic. I had been planning to CTB for a while now, prepared everything, said my goodbyes and wrote a note, but spent a good 3-4 hours trying to go unconscious on the rope. It was 2 am before I gave up, the pain in my neck and the fear being discovered was growing in me. I just kind of sat around, with messages from the few friends that saw my note. I feel absolutely pathetic that despite all the pain that led up to this moment where I could finally find some relief I couldn't even manage to successfully go unconscious. I tried different positions, anchors, padding, everything. It just seems that partial suspension isn't the method for me. It's unbearable living another day knowing that I've exposed the most vulnerable moment of my life and having a future that holds nothing. I feel miserable and ashamed that I can't even relieve myself of this pain. I can't get my grades up, maintain relationships, or even kill myself. It's so pathetic.

I'm so sorry for what happened. I belive that the worst thing that could happen from a suicide is surviving. Far worse than dying, even a slow, painful death. My biggest fear is surviving an attempt and it's a big reason why I'm still here. I wish I could help somehow. But if it helps, I'm thinking about you. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.

 

[roommate]

I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Hopefully things come down a bit soon and so you get a bit more space trying to be kind for yourself.

 

[SchrodingerIsDed]

I feel absolutely pathetic. I had been planning to CTB for a while now, prepared everything, said my goodbyes and wrote a note, but spent a good 3-4 hours trying to go unconscious on the rope. It was 2 am before I gave up, the pain in my neck and the fear being discovered was growing in me. I just kind of sat around, with messages from the few friends that saw my note. I feel absolutely pathetic that despite all the pain that led up to this moment where I could finally find some relief I couldn't even manage to successfully go unconscious. I tried different positions, anchors, padding, everything. It just seems that partial suspension isn't the method for me. It's unbearable living another day knowing that I've exposed the most vulnerable moment of my life and having a future that holds nothing. I feel miserable and ashamed that I can't even relieve myself of this pain. I can't get my grades up, maintain relationships, or even kill myself. It's so pathetic.

I feel you 100%. I'm coming off a failed ctb. A pretty pathetic one itself. I cut myself all over specifically in spots I thought would bleed the most and I just didn't go deep enough. That was before finding this site and realizing that cutting is only like a 1%-2% success rate. I had a pretty significant poly-OD on top of that which damaged my kidneys and heart pretty good, but the particular meds made me go insane and that pushed me into a confrontation with police who sent me to the hospital where they saved me. Then sent me to the grippy socks jail.

That said. You don't necessarily know what the future holds, do you? I can easily help you get your grades up. That's a problem that is easily solved. Well, with a bit of effort. Check out Koi Academy on YouTube. Tons of great stuff on how to study properly. Mind maps. Spaced repetition. etc.

Relationships. Those are the hard ones. And I'm definitely not the person to help with that. I've ruined all mine. I've turned everyone I ever loved against me in the most pristine of ways. I don't know how to get people to not hate me, let alone like. And I also can't kill myself, so hey, it's okay. It's not an easy thing to do. It's pretty much fundamentally against our nature. We want to survive. It takes profound and acute suffering or fear or trauma to really go full throttle. It's not an easy thing.