Rumi
Experienced
- Mar 29, 2023
- 227
I had intented to CTB some time this week, and had chosen partial hanging as my method. I believed, based on the testimony of users, that this method was simple and painless, and could even bring on a sensation of euphoria.
However, like many other users who have attempted this method, I found it far more difficult than the hanging megathread suggests. The first few times I attempted, I experienced the uncomfortable exploding-head sensation that occurs when only the jugulars veins are compressed. I also experienced intense pain no matter how I positioned the noose. I adjusted the height if the rope and tried several different knot positions with no avail, until, completely unexpectedly, I managed to restrict the carotid arteries.
My memory of what happened next is foggy, but I believe I was conscious throughout the attempt. I remember kneeling down into the noose, and experiencing the tingling sensation that occurs when the carotid arteries are compressed, as well as severe pain in my neck muscles.I am not sure how long I knelt there for, as I entered a lower level of consciousness, similar to how a person feels while falling asleep. The pain diminished while I was in this state, but as soon as I came out of it I became aware of the severe pain in my neck, which was somehow worse than before, as well as an intense feeling of panic that forced me to rip off the noose. For about a minute after my field of vision was white, bit gradually became more clear, and my neck is still sore some 20 minutes later.
I'm not sure what went wrong. The fact that my memory of the attempt is spotty, and that my vision disappeared temporarily, suggests that I was close to death, but why couldn't I fully lose consciousness?
All I know is that I will not be attempting this method again. I don't know how so many people around the world succeed with hanging. Maybe they just get lucky the first time and don't have the experience of regaining consciousness with a rope twisted tightly around their neck. I don't know how anyone could re-attempt this method after experiencing what I did. It must be even worse for people who attempted full suspension hanging.
Failing my attempt hasnt made me less suicidal, but it has made me realise that I am not at the point where I could attempt a method as painful as this one.
To attempt this method, knowing the pain it involves, a person must have given up on life completely and have exhausted every oppurtunity availabe to them. I'm just not at the point. I may never reach that point. If I had access to firearms or SN, I would be gone in a jiffy, but as long as I am restricted to horrible methods, I think I will just have to give life another shot. Maybe if life kicks me down enough I will have the courage to try again, but for now, I don't see that happening.
To those who maintain that partial is a peaceful method, I would say that that largely depends on chance. There are clearly people who have attempted this method without experiencing the pain and panic that I did, but as someone who has attempted this method, I can tell you that what the chance of success is not worth the risk.
I am sorry if this post is so long and disorganised. I am just really struggling with the realisation that I may never CTB. I was so sure that I would find a way, but failing partial really has me doubting myself. Im just not ready for another 60 years of life. But there's nothing I can do.
However, like many other users who have attempted this method, I found it far more difficult than the hanging megathread suggests. The first few times I attempted, I experienced the uncomfortable exploding-head sensation that occurs when only the jugulars veins are compressed. I also experienced intense pain no matter how I positioned the noose. I adjusted the height if the rope and tried several different knot positions with no avail, until, completely unexpectedly, I managed to restrict the carotid arteries.
My memory of what happened next is foggy, but I believe I was conscious throughout the attempt. I remember kneeling down into the noose, and experiencing the tingling sensation that occurs when the carotid arteries are compressed, as well as severe pain in my neck muscles.I am not sure how long I knelt there for, as I entered a lower level of consciousness, similar to how a person feels while falling asleep. The pain diminished while I was in this state, but as soon as I came out of it I became aware of the severe pain in my neck, which was somehow worse than before, as well as an intense feeling of panic that forced me to rip off the noose. For about a minute after my field of vision was white, bit gradually became more clear, and my neck is still sore some 20 minutes later.
I'm not sure what went wrong. The fact that my memory of the attempt is spotty, and that my vision disappeared temporarily, suggests that I was close to death, but why couldn't I fully lose consciousness?
All I know is that I will not be attempting this method again. I don't know how so many people around the world succeed with hanging. Maybe they just get lucky the first time and don't have the experience of regaining consciousness with a rope twisted tightly around their neck. I don't know how anyone could re-attempt this method after experiencing what I did. It must be even worse for people who attempted full suspension hanging.
Failing my attempt hasnt made me less suicidal, but it has made me realise that I am not at the point where I could attempt a method as painful as this one.
To attempt this method, knowing the pain it involves, a person must have given up on life completely and have exhausted every oppurtunity availabe to them. I'm just not at the point. I may never reach that point. If I had access to firearms or SN, I would be gone in a jiffy, but as long as I am restricted to horrible methods, I think I will just have to give life another shot. Maybe if life kicks me down enough I will have the courage to try again, but for now, I don't see that happening.
To those who maintain that partial is a peaceful method, I would say that that largely depends on chance. There are clearly people who have attempted this method without experiencing the pain and panic that I did, but as someone who has attempted this method, I can tell you that what the chance of success is not worth the risk.
I am sorry if this post is so long and disorganised. I am just really struggling with the realisation that I may never CTB. I was so sure that I would find a way, but failing partial really has me doubting myself. Im just not ready for another 60 years of life. But there's nothing I can do.