failed last night

[stbdchick]

So, I failed last night.

Due to disability that continues to worsen, I'd decided to CTB.

First, I waited until my SSD came through, as my wasband has supported me for over a decade and I wanted to leave him something. We had a government shutdown in between my appeal date and the award, so we were well into winter by then. I'd been pretty damned sure I didn't want to go through another winter, but here we are in June.

Not sure that summer isn't worse; though there's no snow or ice to contend with, I'm constantly reminded that I can't garden anymore.

Anyway, I decided to wait past the holidays so that time of year wouldn't be ruined forever (my daughter died in July a few years back, so I know). But then the award was delayed, and then I decided to do a pilgrimage to my hometown, visit my dad's grave, etc. A friend helped as I could barely walk; managed to fall in the shower and took several weeks of chiro to be able to move once I got back.

Meanwhile, I'd ordered my supplies. I made an exit bag as per Doing It With Betty. A full nitrogen tank, delivered. A tank regulator. Took several weeks, and mutiple trips to Lowes to find a freaking hose for the regulator.

Hiding a tank with a home health aid in the place 32 hours/week, waiting for the wasband to sleep so I could set things up and see how they worked, finally finding a hose and getting everything connected and working without leaks.

And so, last night was the night. I got very dizzy in the shower, so was feeling rather fragile. Can't postpone anymore, as I'm on the verge of needing a nursing home, and if that happens, I'll be trapped. I spent just over 5 weeks in one once, in "rehab," and I'd certainly rather die than be warehoused like that again. So we're facing a deadline.

Also, I could feel a lot of chest congestion, so knew the CHF was acting up. I took extra Lasix to straighten it out, but knew if I went to bed like that, I'd wake unable to breathe and wind up in the hospital. It seems silly to go through all that right before ctb.

Got everything out. Apparently, while been gotten out again and again, the exit bag had gotten a leak, it wouldn't hold air. I had more of everything, so made another.

In the Final Exit video, he recommends taking some beta-blockers to weaken the heart. Besides the CHF, I also have CVD, so though my heart is already weak, I took 10 carvedilol (nowhere near a lethal dose). Also calmed me down some, as I was having adrenaline rushes.

They say 10 seconds until unconsciousness due to lack of oxygen, which seems too little - pretty sure I've held my breath longer than that. But the idea that it's only 10 seconds is held closely as a comfort.

It's been an hour sicne the beta blockers, so got the bag over my head, filled it with nitrogen, remind myself it's just 10 seconds, exhale completly, pull the bag down and tighten the drawstring, count as I inahe, exhale...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... start to black out, panic, rip bag off my head, afraid for a monet I won't get it off in time.

I failed. Wasband will be up soon. Get notes and supplies put away. Sit here with my failure. No one I can talk to. ASH is long gone, but surely there's a pro-choice group somewhere.

I signed up here because I needed to tell someone.

Don't feel well at all, check my bp to make sure I'm not low, sit in chair to try to sleep so I won't wake up needing to call 911, note feet are in bad pain, can't lymphapress with active fluid in chest, take an oxy.

Slept off and on, made list for home health aid around 5 or 6 AM. A shame she'll be here; I sign off on the timesheet every 2 weeks and just did last week. For her not to lose pay for today, I'd have to wait 2 more weeks, and I don't want to. I can't keep postponing or I'll be in that nursing home.

Can try again tonight. Not sure if pot or booze will relax me, or make me more paranoid. How to get past this? I need it over ASAP.

 

[Soul]

I'm very sorry you've been struggling so. Your thoughtfulness toward the people around you is quite touching. I wish I had any help to offer but I don't even have any advice. Just miles of sympathy.

 

[Kokobushi_bae26]

My heart goes out to you, stay strong. We're all here for you. It's sounds like things have been very tough for you for a long time, I'm so sorry
Do you know what you're specifically afraid of? Do you remember the thought that made you rip the hood off? Maybe if you can make peace with those thoughts it would help you be at peace?

 

[crimea_river]

Thank you for sharing your story.

I'm so sorry you haven't achieved any state of peace so far. I wish you an infinite amount of suffering free minutes.

 

[WaterUnder]

My grandmother dies of CHF. She sat down one day and "fell asleep" in her chair and never woke up.

 

[stbdchick]

Do you know what you're specifically afraid of? Do you remember the thought that made you rip the hood off? Maybe if you can make peace with those thoughts it would help you be at peace?

It was along the lines of, "Oh shit, I'm going to die; oh hell, this is too tight, I can't get it off; oh shit, I'm going to live."

My grandmother dies of CHF. She sat down one day and "fell asleep" in her chair and never woke up.

Honestly, I keep hoping for that. For about a year now, my first thought on waking is disappointment that whatever is on my to-do list has to be dealt with. :(

 

[Soul]

If your breathing's impaired is that part of the problem? Or is it more like the bag is claustrophobic?
I was just reading a thread suggesting that Ambien (zolpidem) helps some people with SI. I don't know if that's any help. (((Hugs)))

 

[stbdchick]

If your breathing's impaired is that part of the problem? Or is it more like the bag is claustrophobic?
I was just reading a thread suggesting that Ambien (zolpidem) helps some people with SI. I don't know if that's any help. (((Hugs)))

The bag is clear, so doesn't feel very claustrophobic to me.

I just panicked when I realized I was going to black out. Then panicked more when I had trouble getting the bag off; but having a sick sense of humor, I also thought that it'd be ironic if I accidentally killed myself while trying to kill myself.

 

[Soul]

If it's not the bag I'm afraid maybe your congestion is interfering with the nitrogen doing its thing peacefully. Nitrogen would be my choice of exit but I'm co2-retentive due to my lung disease, and it's the co2 build-up that causes that physical panic.

I think I'd try some sedatives to smooth the way. I want something to be easier for you.

 

[TiredHorse]

I'm so sorry, @stbdchick; the failures are just wretched. It sounds similar enough to my failure with eb/N2 to make me hold my breath while reading your account --note the irony!

Those supposed 10 seconds are devastating. With me, I couldn't breathe deeply for anxiety, so I expect it was even longer before my vision went grey. But my survival instinct kicked in just as hard as yours did. Very different manifestation, but just as emphatic.

I wish I had some words of advice on how to get past it, but I've tried several times myself, always with the same results, so I'm clearly only good for sympathy, not useful advice.

(P.S. Is the "stbd" abbreviating starboard?)

 

[riverstyx]

How is your lung function? PPH says that if you have a lung problem you should test it with a spirometer to make sure it won't be a problem.

It's advisable to hyperventilate for a minute (to purge CO2 from your body) and exhale completely before pulling the N2 filled bag over your head.

Then you should take some deep breaths and that should be it.

Maybe the exit bag isn't for you. Would it be possible for you to order N?

 

[stbdchick]

(P.S. Is the "stbd" abbreviating starboard?)

No, it's just an old handle I used on ASH decades ago.

 

[not_a_robot]

So, I failed last night.

Due to disability that continues to worsen, I'd decided to CTB.

First, I waited until my SSD came through, as my wasband has supported me for over a decade and I wanted to leave him something. We had a government shutdown in between my appeal date and the award, so we were well into winter by then. I'd been pretty damned sure I didn't want to go through another winter, but here we are in June.

Not sure that summer isn't worse; though there's no snow or ice to contend with, I'm constantly reminded that I can't garden anymore.

Anyway, I decided to wait past the holidays so that time of year wouldn't be ruined forever (my daughter died in July a few years back, so I know). But then the award was delayed, and then I decided to do a pilgrimage to my hometown, visit my dad's grave, etc. A friend helped as I could barely walk; managed to fall in the shower and took several weeks of chiro to be able to move once I got back.

Meanwhile, I'd ordered my supplies. I made an exit bag as per Doing It With Betty. A full nitrogen tank, delivered. A tank regulator. Took several weeks, and mutiple trips to Lowes to find a freaking hose for the regulator.

Hiding a tank with a home health aid in the place 32 hours/week, waiting for the wasband to sleep so I could set things up and see how they worked, finally finding a hose and getting everything connected and working without leaks.

And so, last night was the night. I got very dizzy in the shower, so was feeling rather fragile. Can't postpone anymore, as I'm on the verge of needing a nursing home, and if that happens, I'll be trapped. I spent just over 5 weeks in one once, in "rehab," and I'd certainly rather die than be warehoused like that again. So we're facing a deadline.

Also, I could feel a lot of chest congestion, so knew the CHF was acting up. I took extra Lasix to straighten it out, but knew if I went to bed like that, I'd wake unable to breathe and wind up in the hospital. It seems silly to go through all that right before ctb.

Got everything out. Apparently, while been gotten out again and again, the exit bag had gotten a leak, it wouldn't hold air. I had more of everything, so made another.

In the Final Exit video, he recommends taking some beta-blockers to weaken the heart. Besides the CHF, I also have CVD, so though my heart is already weak, I took 10 carvedilol (nowhere near a lethal dose). Also calmed me down some, as I was having adrenaline rushes.

They say 10 seconds until unconsciousness due to lack of oxygen, which seems too little - pretty sure I've held my breath longer than that. But the idea that it's only 10 seconds is held closely as a comfort.

It's been an hour sicne the beta blockers, so got the bag over my head, filled it with nitrogen, remind myself it's just 10 seconds, exhale completly, pull the bag down and tighten the drawstring, count as I inahe, exhale...1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7... start to black out, panic, rip bag off my head, afraid for a monet I won't get it off in time.

I failed. Wasband will be up soon. Get notes and supplies put away. Sit here with my failure. No one I can talk to. ASH is long gone, but surely there's a pro-choice group somewhere.

I signed up here because I needed to tell someone.

Don't feel well at all, check my bp to make sure I'm not low, sit in chair to try to sleep so I won't wake up needing to call 911, note feet are in bad pain, can't lymphapress with active fluid in chest, take an oxy.

Slept off and on, made list for home health aid around 5 or 6 AM. A shame she'll be here; I sign off on the timesheet every 2 weeks and just did last week. For her not to lose pay for today, I'd have to wait 2 more weeks, and I don't want to. I can't keep postponing or I'll be in that nursing home.

Can try again tonight. Not sure if pot or booze will relax me, or make me more paranoid. How to get past this? I need it over ASAP.

Holy crap. I just figured out why you guys say Wasband lol. I kept thinking it was a typo.

 

[stbdchick]

Normally, my lung function is fine; I passed pulmonology tests with flying colors.

The problem is fluid buildup in the chest area, which compresses the lungs. And if it's bad and I lie down, the fluid moves into the lungs, sort of like drowning. When the problem first occurred, I woke panicked and called 911. So if my chest feels very tight, I need to sleep in a chair to avoid ambulances and hospitals, which means getting very bad sleep.

I normally have swollen feet and legs and use a lymphapress to fix that so I can walk. But when my chest is holding fluid, the lymphapress is contraindicated, so my feet and legs get a good bit worse. Besides the swelling, which hurts on it's own accord, I also have diabetic neuropathy, which means... it's like your legs get shocked again and again. Meds don't help, because the pain is very short-lived. I also get cramps in my calves and legs if my potassium gets low.

I have rather a lot of interacting issues.

However, the immediate issue is the whole panic thing. I'm thinking perhaps my next try will involve taking a few oxy first.

 

[WaterUnder]

I just panicked when I realized I was going to black out. Then panicked more when I had trouble getting the bag off; but having a sick sense of humor, I also thought that it'd be ironic if I accidentally killed myself while trying to kill myself.

Are you my twin? That's something I'd think in the same situation.
Seriously, though, I believe that if you're 100% sure that you wouldn't fight blacking out. It's not the same as the automatic survival response the body has in CO poisoning. So, maybe let the whole thing go for awhile, skip you're to do list, and do something nice for yourself, like go to a movie or something.

 

[stbdchick]

It's advisable to hyperventilate for a minute (to purge CO2 from your body) and exhale completely before pulling the N2 filled bag over your head.

Actually, C02 might be a problem. The only deficit noted on my pulmonology workup was that I don't exhale well. I kind of knew that before all the tests, in that I have to purposely exhale hard when I exercise (not when CHF is acting up though, I can barely walk across the room then).

I did exhale completely, but hyperventilating first makes good sense.

Are you my twin? That's something I'd think in the same situation.

I have a weird brain.

Your thoughtfulness toward the people around you is quite touching.

Perhaps. Sometimes I think about how things will be easiest for those left behind, but other times I think that what happens after I'm gone is just not my problem.

 

[WaterUnder]

Actually, C02 might be a problem.

This is probably it. The method, othewise, shouldn't elicit a physiologically induced SI response. I wish there were better options and choices for you.

 

[stbdchick]

I wish there were better options and choices for you.

The places in the states where MAID is legal require you to be within 6 months of natural death, which I *might* be, but I also might live like this for another decade, so probably don't qualify.

Switzerland is just too damned expensive. Also, my best friend would want to come be with me, and that seems an awful thing for him to live with.

Final Exit... well, I applied, they wanted medical records, I printed them off the patient portal. The they wanted them directly from the doctor, and honestly, I wrote and called like 5 or 6 times with no luck. And I figured - all the information is out there, what exactly would Final Exit do except be with me those 10 seconds?

I dunno, I've been through a hell of a lot worse 10 seconds; it just doesn't seem like a big deal. Not sure why I panicked.

I'm genuinely not afraid of death; I am fairly certain it is like anesthesia, you just shut down. Except not having to reboot afterwards.

 

[WaterUnder]

The places in the states where MAID is legal require you to be within 6 months of natural death, which I *might* be, but I also might live like this for another decade, so probably don't qualify.

Fucking loopholes. It was meant, I suppose for cancer, ALS, and such. They need to redefine "terminal" from having a six month time frame to one based more on prognosis and quality of life.

Switzerland is just too damned expensive. Also, my best friend would want to come be with me, and that seems an awful thing for him to live with.

I hear you, but when I looked at the Dignitas videos, I felt that it was an honor for their friends/family to be there. Stupidly, I asked a friend of mine if she would go on a vacation with me in Europe (for which I would pay for both of us), ending for me in Switzerland. She told me I was "sick" and needed help. Straight up judgment, didn't try to listen or understand, which had a very negative impact upon me at the time

what exactly would Final Exit do except be with me those 10 seconds?

Couldn't agree more.

I'm genuinely not afraid of death.

Idk about you, it's life (and the fear of it and me in it) that steals my joy, my peace, and my sleep.

 

[barny]

sorry for what you're going through. I also have several medical disabilities which ive had enough of, so can relate to that bit. i'm not sure there is a 100% sure method, I think I would need to do several different things at once to be sure. SN?

 

[Asta]

"I dunno, I've been through a hell of a lot worse 10 seconds; it just doesn't seem like a big deal. Not sure why I panicked."
My heart goes out to you, stbdchick! Many hugs! What about taking some sleeping pills like Ambien, then pull down the bag, leaving a little space for the air to still get in and then closing it all the way after exhaling when the pills start to take effect - though the timing might be tricky. Just an idea, but you've probably already thought of something like that. I once took 8 Valium out of curiosity and a few minutes later passed out and hit the floor. My husband heard the thud and came in to pick me up.

So sorry for all you've been through! Wishing you total success with your next effort!

 

[stbdchick]

I hear you, but when I looked at the Dignitas videos, I felt that it was an honor for their friends/family to be there. Stupidly, I asked a friend of mine if she would go on a vacation with me in Europe (for which I would pay for both of us), ending for me in Switzerland. She told me I was "sick" and needed help. Straight up judgment, didn't try to listen or understand, which had a very negative impact upon me at the time

He wasn't shocked at all, I said I was thinking about going to Switzerland and he knew what I meant.

I'm certain my friend would be willing to do that.

Just... again, it's to comfort me for a few tough minutes. Afterwards, he is alone in a country where he doesn't speak the language, back to the hotel alone, wait to get my ashes, fly home alone. I dunno, it seemed like a high cost for him to give me comfort for a few minutes.

I lost my daughter a few years ago; I was here, with people I knew, not alone at all. And it was horrific. I can't stop anyone going through grief, but can't see making it worse.

 

[WaterUnder]

@stbdchick you are a thoughtful, sweet person. I wish life had been kinder to you.

 

[Jen0804]

Sending hugs
You are in my thoughts

 

[stbdchick]

Hope is a lying cunt.

That is all.