Venting Failed Attempt

[SunInTheShade9]

The intensity of negative emotions from my failed attempt is insane. I lost nearly everything and will be losing the rest soon.
I don't know how to recover from that. The anxiety is killing me.
Does anyone care to share their experiences?
My thoughts and emotions are everywhere.
I'd be grateful for guidance or just a distraction.
Thanks xx

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

The intensity of negative emotions from my failed attempt is insane. I lost nearly everything and will be losing the rest soon.
I don't know how to recover from that. The anxiety is killing me.
Does anyone care to share their experiences?
My thoughts and emotions are everywhere.
I'd be grateful for guidance or just a distraction.
Thanks xx

Can I ask what type of method you used? And when? What did you lose? I assume your freedom if you were hospitalized etc.

 

[iamsorry]

gawd, I feel this.
Over a year ago, I decided to check out. Emptied out my savings. Gave away pretty much all my things. Quit my job. Ended my lease. Rehomed my pet. Maxed out my credit cards and even took a loan on my car to give money to those I love. Even gave my ssn and identity to a friend that could use it. Bought N and backup plans (sn, handgun etc.).

Now I'm still 'here' after a failed attempt & involuntary-lock-up, and everytime I consider "trying again" at life, I just laugh at myself cuz I already burned those bridges, so to speak. I left it so that suicide is almost the only answer now, if that makes sense.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

gawd, I feel this.
Over a year ago, I decided to check out. Emptied out my savings. Gave away pretty much all my things. Quit my job. Ended my lease. Rehomed my pet. Maxed out my credit cards and even took a loan on my car to give money to those I love. Even gave my ssn and identity to a friend that could use it. Bought N and backup plans (sn, handgun etc.).

Now I'm still 'here' after a failed attempt & involuntary-lock-up, and everytime I consider "trying again" at life, I just laugh at myself cuz I already burned those bridges, so to speak. I left it so that suicide is almost the only answer now, if that makes sense.

What was the failed attempt method? Certainly not the handgun as that should have worked. I imagine it was the N?

 

[iamsorry]

What was the failed attempt method? Certainly not the handgun as that should have worked. I imagine it was the N?

My own idiocy. I had a partner (someone I knew personally well over 10 years that regularly shared suicide plans with me). We planned for the N but he flaked literally last second - he took me to an intake center immediately after he dumped the N out in front of me.

Further disclosure edit: I have had several overdose attempts prior and even nearly 30 stitches from cutting myself open.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

My own idiocy. I had a partner (someone I knew personally well over 10 years that regularly shared suicide plans with me). We planned for the N but he flaked literally last second - he took me to an intake center immediately after he dumped the N out in front of me.

Further disclosure edit: I have had several overdose attempts prior and even nearly 30 stitches from cutting myself open.

I see. Is there any time that it (the overdose attempts) came close to working/being successful for you? I'm wondering what you used that didn't work or what you may have used that nearly worked....

My own idiocy. I had a partner (someone I knew personally well over 10 years that regularly shared suicide plans with me). We planned for the N but he flaked literally last second - he took me to an intake center immediately after he dumped the N out in front of me.

Further disclosure edit: I have had several overdose attempts prior and even nearly 30 stitches from cutting myself open.

Also, it seems like the only people this tends to work (aside from using a gun) for is those who hang. Or jump, though it seems jumping occurs less often. I'm scared to death and need to do something.

 

[Aftertheafter]

The intensity of negative emotions from my failed attempt is insane. I lost nearly everything and will be losing the rest soon.
I don't know how to recover from that. The anxiety is killing me.
Does anyone care to share their experiences?
My thoughts and emotions are everywhere.
I'd be grateful for guidance or just a distraction.
Thanks xx

I attempted when I was 14 years old, am now 37. The events of that time will stay with me forever and I do believe have affected me in trying to attempt again if it's not 100% affective as I don't want to go through surviving and the aftermath. I took 100 Tylenol not knowing what I was doing. It was horrific. I felt my entire body pulsating from the inside out. I had my stomach pumped and stayed in the hospital for approx 3 days in the pediatric floor. It was mortifying (I lived in a small town) and I don't think anyone could help me. As I lay one night vomiting onto myself after hours and hours of trying not to and then giving up out of pure exhaustion I had the night nurse who was cleaning me say "tsk tsk, I don't know why you girls do this to yourselves" so I knew I wasn't alone though it still gave me zero comfort at the time. I think ppl care at a point and your family loves you but in reality, nobody including us knows what to do. I've attempted partial suspension as well but I just can't, it's scary and I don't pass out. i don't think I'm doing it right. I know how you feel. It's absolutely scary in failing and the repercussions are worse for the living.

 

[WornOutLife]

I see. Is there any time that it (the overdose attempts) came close to working/being successful for you? I'm wondering what you used that didn't work or what you may have used that nearly worked....

Also, it seems like the only people this tends to work (aside from using a gun) for is those who hang. Or jump, though it seems jumping occurs less often. I'm scared to death and need to do something.

Agreed. The idea of jumping off a building just freezes me. I think hanging is the only option left for me because I have no gun and pills have never worked for me.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

I attempted when I was 14 years old, am now 37. The events of that time will stay with me forever and I do believe have affected me in trying to attempt again if it's not 100% affective as I don't want to go through surviving and the aftermath. I took 100 Tylenol not knowing what I was doing. It was horrific. I felt my entire body pulsating from the inside out. I had my stomach pumped and stayed in the hospital for approx 3 days in the pediatric floor. It was mortifying (I lived in a small town) and I don't think anyone could help me. As I lay one night vomiting onto myself after hours and hours of trying not to and then giving up out of pure exhaustion I had the night nurse who was cleaning me say "tsk tsk, I don't know why you girls do this to yourselves" so I knew I wasn't alone though it still gave me zero comfort at the time. I think ppl care at a point and your family loves you but in reality, nobody including us knows what to do. I've attempted partial suspension as well but I just can't, it's scary and I don't pass out. i don't think I'm doing it right. I know how you feel. It's absolutely scary in failing and the repercussions are worse for the living.

Partial is really hard to do. I don't know how all of these famous people do it. And people all over the world. I'd have thought that much Tylenol would work. And, yes, the repercussions are worse. But living is the worst.

Agreed. The idea of jumping off a building just freezes me. I think hanging is the only option left for me because I have no gun and pills have never worked for me.

Although full suspension seems complicated. But getting partial to work is really hard.

Agreed. The idea of jumping off a building just freezes me. I think hanging is the only option left for me because I have no gun and pills have never worked for me.

Responded to you, but not sure it showed up. Have you tried hanging?

 

[WornOutLife]

Partial is really hard to do. I don't know how all of these famous people do it. And people all over the world. I'd have thought that much Tylenol would work. And, yes, the repercussions are worse. But living is the worst.

Although full suspension seems complicated. But getting partial to work is really hard.

Responded to you, but not sure it showed up. Have you tried hanging?

Yes, last year I tried partial hanging but the pain and lack of oxygen made me chicken out. However, I think I can make it if I try and just endude all that (+ the coughing, really annoying)

 

[Aftertheafter]

Agreed. The idea of jumping off a building just freezes me. I think hanging is the only option left for me because I have no gun and pills have never worked for me.

I am terrified of heights so that's a no go. I think to overdose, it takes the exact right amount of substances, you almost have to be a chemist. I want to go peacefully in my sleep. I would love to go by overdose of fentanyl but cannot obtain. I'm going to try the charcoal CO method. I have the charcoal and bbq. I just trying to figure out the logistics etc. I really don't want my boyfriend to find me but cannot truck all of this stuff to a hotel. I don't drive etc. I live in a big city, I was thinking of getting a tent and walking into the woods somewhere but just seems not possible.

 

[iamsorry]

I see. Is there any time that it (the overdose attempts) came close to working/being successful for you? I'm wondering what you used that didn't work or what you may have used that nearly worked....

Also, it seems like the only people this tends to work (aside from using a gun) for is those who hang. Or jump, though it seems jumping occurs less often. I'm scared to death and need to do something.

While most pills call themselves fatal in overdose, I've never had any that even required pumping my stomach or an er visit, though they've made me sicker than the flu for several days. Even with my last medication cocktail, I know in acetaminophen levels alone I was 5 times the fatal limit... that's why n, sn, and gun became my new plan where I need several backup options...

I've heavily contemplated jumping but have my hesitations as I fear being seen, the possible clean up and trauma required by others, the possibility of intervention, etc. If i didn't have my gun, sn (with meto for the sn) then I'd prolly go with hanging or ratchet strap choking perhaps?

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

While most pills call themselves fatal in overdose, I've never had any that even required pumping my stomach or an er visit, though they've made me sicker than the flu for several days. Even with my last medication cocktail, I know in acetaminophen levels alone I was 5 times the fatal limit... that's why n, sn, and gun became my new plan where I need several backup options...

I've heavily contemplated jumping but have my hesitations as I fear being seen, the possible clean up and trauma required by others, the possibility of intervention, etc. If i didn't have my gun, sn (with meto for the sn) then I'd prolly go with hanging or ratchet strap choking perhaps?

So lucky that you have a gun. Very difficult to get in my state. Tough gun control laws. Not sure why you'd go with SN before using a gun.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and hope you are able to recover and decide what to do from this point on. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you decide on.

@iamsorry I apologize if this is a stupid and trivial question, but after you have been put into a psych ward, did you lose your handgun as well? Also, I'm sorry to hear about your "friend" that suddenly turned on you despite knowing him for 10 years. I suppose the take home message is that no matter how close or how trusted one is, there is almost always a chance of them turning on you, especially in the most critical moment. This is why throughout many years, I oftenly viewed suicide as a solitary road to be walked alone (we enter this world alone, and we exit this world alone.) I'm no expert as to why, but I'm guessing it's part of the selfishness of humans in general as well as they projecting their survival instinct (will to live) onto others. I cannot even begin to imagine what I'd be if I were in your shoes after that, other than things would be FUBAR'd and I'd be so much worse off.

 

[iamsorry]

So lucky that you have a gun. Very difficult to get in my state. Tough gun control laws. Not sure why you'd go with SN before using a gun.

Totally understandable and I'm sorry to hear that. Supposedly illegally buying a gun actually is easy (so I'm told) even if it means just buying from a different state.

SN > gun = Purely for cleanup reasons to whoever gets the displeasure of finding me first...

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and hope you are able to recover and decide what to do from this point on. I hope you find peace in whatever decision you decide on.

@iamsorry I apologize if this is a stupid and trivial question, but after you have been put into a psych ward, did you lose your handgun as well? Also, I'm sorry to hear about your "friend" that suddenly turned on you despite knowing him for 10 years. I suppose the take home message is that no matter how close or how trusted one is, there is almost always a chance of them turning on you, especially in the most critical moment. This is why throughout many years, I oftenly viewed suicide as a solitary road to be walked alone (we enter this world alone, and we exit this world alone.) I'm no expert as to why, but I'm guessing it's part of the selfishness of humans in general as well as they projecting their survival instinct (will to live) onto others. I cannot even begin to imagine what I'd be if I were in your shoes after that, other than things would be FUBAR'd and I'd be so much worse off.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

To my surprise, gun stores in town give no care about mental illness... I've even been back to get quotes on other guns and buy ammo post my involuntary hold... as long as I check the box of no mental illnesses or whatever, then they sell to me, honestly, as bad as that sounds.

Yeah... his change of mind was devastating. I bought enough for both of us. He spent years with failed attempts at said numerous times he'd do it if it were easy and guarantee, but then upon seeing the bottle in real life he completely switched sides... thank you again for the empathy. It helps.