Venting Failed attempt with psychedelics, suicide, occult, meaning, Life

[unnaturalmovement]

I came home after walking about 24km from 8pm last night. Had consumed 4 grams in front of my starting point on the route. Interestingly, there was a huge drumming session going on very nearby where the Uber dropped me. Felt like a tribe drumming for the start of my journey. The task was simple: walk in darkness while on shrooms, reflect on life, try to find god or to come at a conclusion on my current state. I walked and walked and kept walking alone, me and darkness, looking at the landscape, clouds and crickets, insects and fireflies here and there.
At some point i went in the grass field and was stuck on the floor crying and breathing like crazy. It went on for at least one hour. Deep baby cries nonstop untill my energy was drained, or in another words... i let it out. I became static on the dirt around me and then i could see the face of god, source of everything. I merged with the soil and could feel the heartbeat of the world as i was slowly consumed by this everchanging engine of reality.

And i kept walking till it weared off and now i wanna kill myself again. Was clean for 6 months but if anything it directed me more calmly to what im about to do with my life (suicide).

Basically another attempt to find meaning in life.
In retrospect, I have the feeling that the world has denied me success in every honest attempt.
I've tried to work hard at various tasks, but health problems have been with me all my life. Not to mention my love life.
I feel betrayed by life.
I don't see myself as a monk in a church or as a Buddhist, because, unfortunately, I have desires. Strong desires that cause me suffering.
Every day I think about killing myself, but I keep looking for alternatives. However, there's a sense of dread growing exponentially and i think that'll really be it (my death).

Below is a pic i took when i was on my "quest" which surprisingly reflect a lot on what i feel like.

 

[Meatismoz]

Shrooms used to be pure bliss for me when I was a teenager now it's like being sent into a pit of hell every time I've tried

 

[Halfhourdays]

Any other pics taken? That one is cool.

 

[divinemistress36]

I havent tripped on shrooms but I microdose them and they make me realize my desire to die even more

 

[unnaturalmovement]

Any other pics taken? That one is cool.

I took a few yes
they all look very very sad like a reflection of myself

Shrooms used to be pure bliss for me when I was a teenager now it's like being sent into a pit of hell every time I've tried

i feel you.
first time i did shrooms i was like 19 felt reborn that time, they got me out of that suicide loop for at least 2 years till i meet a woman and realized it was all under the carpet all this time. i'm suicidal by nature it seems.
i do shrooms from time to time to cry like a baby for hours because it doesnt put me on that infinite bliss for 6 hours anymore. i dont even get visuals or anything its purely mental
no

I havent tripped on shrooms but I microdose them and they make me realize my desire to die even more

not advocating (but since we're on topic), you could try a higher dosage... fuck around and find out
microdosing shrooms was weird to mee i honestly prefer diving in

 

[Nobody'sHero]

 

[unnaturalmovement]

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pretty much lol

 

[divinemistress36]

I took a few yes
they all look very very sad like a reflection of myself

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i feel you.
first time i did shrooms i was like 19 felt reborn that time, they got me out of that suicide loop for at least 2 years till i meet a woman and realized it was all under the carpet all this time. i'm suicidal by nature it seems.
i do shrooms from time to time to cry like a baby for hours because it doesnt put me on that infinite bliss for 6 hours anymore. i dont even get visuals or anything its purely mental
no

not advocating (but since we're on topic), you could try a higher dosage... fuck around and find out
microdosing shrooms was weird to mee i honestly prefer diving in

Ya I will one day just dont want to do it by myself I would want a trip sitter with me

 

[J&L383]

Shrooms used to be pure bliss for me when I was a teenager now it's like being sent into a pit of hell every time I've tried

I think I won't to try them after all.

 

[Meatismoz]

I think I won't to try them after all.

I'm exaggerating a bit lol. When I was a teenager I would take it at my moms house in a comfortable environment but now I live in an impoverished shitty apartment so I take them in the woods and get super paranoid. I also have other substance abuse issues. For most people it shouldn't be that bad

 

[unnaturalmovement]

I'm exaggerating a bit lol. When I was a teenager I would take it at my moms house in a comfortable environment but now I live in an impoverished shitty apartment so I take them in the woods and get super paranoid. I also have other substance abuse issues. For most people it shouldn't be that bad

Honestly, shroom hell is a bit comforting. I've felt, on higher dosages even on my room
Thoughts which are not conceivable under normal circumstances.
As if your consciousness is scattered accross every possibility, but not locally attached to anywhere
There's some despair on it, as our ego fights the experience, but that's part of the game
Sometimes i felt, after the experience, a strong feeling like i had a strong crash from a plane, something huge, an explosion....