Bedrock48
Dreadful damage, dreadful destiny
- Feb 1, 2021
- 540
I suppose context, difficult to know where or how to start this but I had a suicide attempt last month using caffeine powder. I started out with a protocol similar to the SN method (not recommending that anyone follow these steps).
Mistakes I made and have reflected on
What was the overall experience like?
I'd say in total I had around 5000mg of caffeine, much more than my original estimate of 2000mg. Still decently under the accepted lethal dose. I'd say at worst the pain (discomfort? Idk it's difficult to separate the two) was 6/10 but most of that was due to general heart discomfort and tachycardia. Painful but certainly not to an unbearable degree. Unsure how much the co-codamol helped as it's very hit or miss with everyday pains.
I don't remember everything as I was in and out of consciousness at times. Had someone knock on my door looking for a person who's since moved out, my door was ajar and I heard him shouting through it. If he entered at any time he certainly didn't check if I was ok. Could hear but couldn't see, was more or less lights out at this point. Nausea was quite apparent most of the time but only vomited once. However, except from not being able to take all the caffeine this is the first uninterrupted attempt that I've overcome SI. By the time I was exhausted the only thing I could think of was passing out and not calling for help in any way. I remember thinking to myself "pass out, let go, pass out, let go" although it never truly happened.
The weirdest part for me though was around halfway through when I started having clear fluid leaking from my nose. Dripping more like water than anything else. Not a symptom I've ever heard of or experienced from caffeine overdose, I suspect it could have been a csf leak but have had no problems since so who knows. I really didn't feel any distress from this, more just hope that something was happening.
From research caffeine overdose seems to have 2 general outcomes, painful but ultimately cause little to no long term damage or puts you in a coma and potentially kills you from there. Maybe success would have been more likely if I got closer to the lethal dose. The worst part was how long I was (mostly) conscious for. I was awake through most of the evening till early morning. Passed out periodically though so I got some relief. Either way, I think even at lethal dose caffeine seems to be a random chance with how it's gonna affect you.
This attempt definitely gave me a little more hope that I might eventually ctb. I know I want to but fear of the dying process and SI is still holding me back. Definitely not traumatising like previous attempts but a little unpleasant. Just so over this cycle, getting better only to fall back down. Life dealt me such a shit hand and I can't wait for the day I hand it back.
- Stopped eating by the morning of, ingested caffeine around 10pm
- Minimal fluids that day
- Around 1 ½ hours before caffeine ingestion I took 1 co-codamol tablet (8/500mg strength) and 1 50mg cyclizine tablet
- Ingested caffeine powder mixed into energy drink ( <100ml of fluid)
Mistakes I made and have reflected on
- Didn't know that caffeine would only successfully suspend in fluid once. I let it settle and stirred it again only to find some wouldn't fully dissolve.
- Having a 2 step process to ingesting the caffeine. Drinking the solution was easy enough but then trying to take pills afterwards made my brain 'realise' what was going on and therefore SI kicked in a little.
What was the overall experience like?
I'd say in total I had around 5000mg of caffeine, much more than my original estimate of 2000mg. Still decently under the accepted lethal dose. I'd say at worst the pain (discomfort? Idk it's difficult to separate the two) was 6/10 but most of that was due to general heart discomfort and tachycardia. Painful but certainly not to an unbearable degree. Unsure how much the co-codamol helped as it's very hit or miss with everyday pains.
I don't remember everything as I was in and out of consciousness at times. Had someone knock on my door looking for a person who's since moved out, my door was ajar and I heard him shouting through it. If he entered at any time he certainly didn't check if I was ok. Could hear but couldn't see, was more or less lights out at this point. Nausea was quite apparent most of the time but only vomited once. However, except from not being able to take all the caffeine this is the first uninterrupted attempt that I've overcome SI. By the time I was exhausted the only thing I could think of was passing out and not calling for help in any way. I remember thinking to myself "pass out, let go, pass out, let go" although it never truly happened.
The weirdest part for me though was around halfway through when I started having clear fluid leaking from my nose. Dripping more like water than anything else. Not a symptom I've ever heard of or experienced from caffeine overdose, I suspect it could have been a csf leak but have had no problems since so who knows. I really didn't feel any distress from this, more just hope that something was happening.
From research caffeine overdose seems to have 2 general outcomes, painful but ultimately cause little to no long term damage or puts you in a coma and potentially kills you from there. Maybe success would have been more likely if I got closer to the lethal dose. The worst part was how long I was (mostly) conscious for. I was awake through most of the evening till early morning. Passed out periodically though so I got some relief. Either way, I think even at lethal dose caffeine seems to be a random chance with how it's gonna affect you.
This attempt definitely gave me a little more hope that I might eventually ctb. I know I want to but fear of the dying process and SI is still holding me back. Definitely not traumatising like previous attempts but a little unpleasant. Just so over this cycle, getting better only to fall back down. Life dealt me such a shit hand and I can't wait for the day I hand it back.
