Venting Failed attempt and just wanted to get it off my chest

[piddincir]

So last night It all got too much, the pain and emptiness from losing my wife just all became very real. I was looking through old photos and making an album that celebrates our lives to share with out families, that was really hard. I got the death certificate through from the coroner, which again broke me and I had to go through her things with her sister.

It all became too much, like she is slowly being erased from my life and the pain I am in is just too much for me to bear.

I've had my exit bag and gas tanks set up for weeks and decided yesterday that I had enough of it all.

I had some of our favourite red wine (too much in retrospect) a few benzes, I had set up a slideshow of our favourite memories to play on the TV and played an album of our special songs to go out too. I lit her favourite candles and made it a lovely set up. I was at peace and I was ready to go.

I was so close, and I could feel myself slipping into unconsciousness and was totally at peace.

I had put my playlist on random and just about I was going to pass out the song my wife died to came on. I barely remember this but I pull the gas pipe out of the bag and woke up about 30 mins later to some of our other songs, it was like she was saving me from beyond the grave and I think this time wasn't meant to be.

I don't know how I feel about it really, part of me is glad to still be here as I really wanted to make her funeral as it's the last thing I will do for her and part of me is disappointed I am still here in so much pain. In a weird way it has given me the strength to endure the pain to her funeral and for that I am grateful, and I can take solace that I can do this when the time come

It was very painless and I was not scared the whole time, I truly felt at peace and was happy in that situation for the first time since she died.

I guess this was just a dress rehearsal for the main even when I do it and now I know I have the strength to go through with it, I just dont know when.

I just wanted to say a massive thank you to everyone on here who has shown me kindness and listening to our stories. This site has really helped me unburdening a lot of things I just couldn't vent anywhere else. just wanted to share and get this off my chest (as anyone else I tell will have me committed to the psych ward)

 

[piddincir]

I got logged out when the site was down before I could edit this and now can't but I wanted to say to other considering this method there was zero pain involved.

I was close to blacking out in about a 90 sec, longer than I had anticipated but not an unbearable time and at no point did I feel panic or suffer.

Ultimately, SI kicked in and I should have tapped the hose to the inside of the bag with stronger tape (I know that for next time and to change the music) but that aside there was no pain or discomfort, I used a large turkey bag and it wasn't constricting on the face and didn't feel claustrophobia in any way. I felt a tingling in my hands then all over but, I went very lightheaded but was peaceful, had I kept going, i would (and did pass out) and just slipped away to a peaceful non-existence.

For anyone that is considering or cares to know