my brother replied. and my mum. I know it's extra hard on them. My dad and his wife didn't reply. I am staying with them at the moment. They are nice, but very judgemental about my choices around medication, while also my dad will say he is "not interested." Given that all these medications have side effects, this leads to me feeling not adequately cared for. They also expect me to be independent, when actually I have been bedridden for days in the past year and unable to feed or cook for myself. I don't blame them - they just really don't understand how bad it is or how limited and scary my choices are. They want me to see a psychiatrist (which I am doing again), but last time I saw a psychiatrist, the medication which I tried for 3 months did not help me. I am going to get a second opinion and a new prescription this week. But I am swiftly losing hope as I have tried so many things.
I told them I feel really alone in choosing medication, as it is all hit and miss and the side effects are scary. I said I'd like them to read the side effects. I can only say this by email, because in person they don't want to talk about it. So I am alone with that, and as I said to them, alone with choosing when to die, as euthanasia is not an acceptable option. I said that if my dog was suffering every day, I would choose to put her down with love and kindness for her. This is the same option I want for myself. I said I am writing my funeral wishes.
Anyway, they haven't replied to any of it. But at least I have siad it. I have said I can possibly suffer six months more of constant suicidal thoughts and agitation , as I don't want to hurt people, but I am getting to my wits end. I've been saying this now for over a year - that I am not sure how much more suffering I want to endure. I am trying to stay here for them, but I need them to know that it is torture every day and I am not doing it indefinitely.
Thank you @Underscore for your wisdom and kindness and thoughts. And love your name!
