Venting Extremely tired of being around, but not sure about leaving yet

[BreathoSystems]

I think about ctbing all the time. It's in my head all day long, during conversations with people, while in social settings, when I'm alone. I have such a bad feeling regarding my future, and I honestly cannot see one for myself, but I'm also not entirely sure if I'm ready yet to ctb. I have a boyfriend, and I love him, but my anxiety makes me feel like everything is going to fall apart anyways.

Is anyone else struggling with indecision in the face of seemingly endless failure and pain?

 

[amarillo]

Yes, and have been for the past five to ten years. It feels like I'm in a state of limbo in which ctb sounds like too big of a decision but I'm also never really choosing to live. My current reasoning for choosing suicide is that I'm probably never going to be completely sure, but looking back I can't remember a period where I enjoyed life more than I hated it, and looking forward there isn't any indication of it ever getting better. So ctb just sounds like the rational choice for me. But then again, when the time comes, I don't know if I will be able to shut off my feeling of being unsure (and of course my SI) and listen purely to reason.

Hope you'll find your reasoning, whether it leads you to recovery or to the decision to end your suffering once and for all.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living can be painful, I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so much. For me, I think I know that someday I will ctb, but I feel held back as it is hard to take our lives because of SI and I have been in this position for a long time. It is like being trapped in a way. It is always on my mind too and I know the future will get worse. I wish you well.

 

[Pure]

Indecision is killing me. Don't think I'll ever stop being a fuck up. I think I'll just wait until October after attending my sister's wedding to ctb.

 

[cameheretoforget]

Yes, definitely indecision but I think that will very quickly turn to decision. It's almost like at this point I'm purposefully putting myself in painful scenarios to escalate my pain levels so that CTB will ideally be a walk in the park. If I'm stuck in a rut I may as well max out the pain to increase my tolerance.

 

[Beached_whale]

Yes, definitely indecision but I think that will very quickly turn to decision. It's almost like at this point I'm purposefully putting myself in painful scenarios to escalate my pain levels so that CTB will ideally be a walk in the park. If I'm stuck in a rut I may as well max out the pain to increase my tolerance.

What painful scenarios exactly?

 

[cameheretoforget]

What painful scenarios exactly?

Forcing myself to act normal around people, going out, running errands, pretending like everything's ok. Just all the mundane stuff I'm tired of. Nothing brings me more pain than that lol

 

[suisuiforum]

Forcing myself to act normal around people, going out, running errands, pretending like everything's ok. Just all the mundane stuff I'm tired of. Nothing brings me more pain than that lol

I feel the same way. Many people I know irl would think it's ridiculous that those everyday tasks can cause so much anguish, but they can't see how existence is painful in and of itself.

 

[cameheretoforget]

I feel the same way. Many people I know irl would think it's ridiculous that those everyday tasks can cause so much anguish, but they can't see how existence is painful in and of itself.

Yes, exactly. And I feel like the mental anguish from these things is so repetitive and tenacious that when I compare it to physical pain, it's a joke. That's why when I think about CTB it starts to seem very attractive compared to a life of mental anguish.