Extreme ambivalence - does anyone else here experience this?

[PurpleVoid]

I want to be clear - I am not asking for advice on which path to take. I know that's not allowed, and regardless, I don't want or need advice. I just want to know if anyone feels similarly. I know many of you on this forum are 100% certain about dying, and maybe people have to be in order to find this website. So maybe I'm asking the wrong crowd.

My life has been hell for the past 10 years. Not to go into a detailed sob story, but I'm fully aware now that there is no future for me. Death is much preferrable to what I will experience if I have to live out my natural life. I feel like my eyes are opened. I don't think I can go back to a devoted hope and zeal for life - it would feel fake. I don't have the innocence of my teenage years, when despite my struggles I saw the world as a place of endless possibilities. Later, when I first went through a serious bout of depression, I at least had a spiritual core to my inner strength. I believed, even though my feelings were telling me otherwise, that there was still a reason for my being alive. That everything was going to be ok.

I've lost all that.

In that sense, I'm very sure that CTB is the best choice for me. Every night I fantasize about the day when I'll buy a gun. I think about pulling the trigger, and the fact that a moment later, I won't know what hit me. I won't be aware of anything. The thought is comforting, and I go to sleep to these thoughts. But this morning, I woke up with my heart racing in a panic. I found myself thinking, "I'm not ready to die! It's not my time to go yet."

This surprised me, but I realized it's somewhat true. I'm not ready to die. I'm standing at the door, looking back at the cruel joke of existence, but I can't bring myself to leave. Why? Maybe it's because this is all I've ever known. I know, logically, that death could come at any time, whether I'm ready or not. But if I'm going to CTB, I have to be ready, or else I won't have the guts to go through with it. It's so frustrating. I wish I could just make up my mind beyond a doubt. Maybe someone here feels the same?

 

[Hollowman]

Very relatable.

 

[ablationaaa457]

I have experienced somewhat similar feelings, and to me the word "ambivalence" describes my thoughts the best. Personally, I'm not necessarily outright seeking death, but I also don't really care if I die in 5 minutes from now either for the most part.

Oddly, thinking like this kind of makes me feel calmer and puts things into perspective for me; because everyone will eventually die, nothing really matters in the true grand scheme of everything, so to me there's not much reason to fuss over the small things in life, and I'll always have a true exit where I can completely leave everything behind that I'll eventually be able to reach through some method. I don't know if this is what you feel though.

 

[David_S]

Just the thought of dying used to send me into a panic, it quite literally scared me to no end.

Now I dream of it at night, trying to find sleep. It's become a comfort knowing it has to happen eventually, it's why I started up smoking again. Patience is the hard part now, waiting quietly. To be with my G again.

 

[PurpleVoid]

Thanks for your replies, I appreciate the support. I also want to share something else. Today something is going on with my cat. I'm usually skeptical of claims that cats can pick up on your mental state, especially my cat - who isn't the sharpest.

This morning I didn't wake up in a panic, but I did wake up to my family telling me that my cat wouldn't come out of my room to eat breakfast, and it was hours after his normal breakfast. They thought maybe he wasn't feeling well. When I got up, I tried to lead him out of the room, but he jumped on my bed and looked at me really hard. I knew he wanted cuddles. I sat back down in bed, and my cat immediately snuggled next to me and purred. Finally, we both got up. I got him some food, and he ate it just fine.

He was waiting for me. It was like he didn't want to leave my side as I slept. I don't know what to make of it, but I think he's worried about me. It's not like this is the first time I've slept in, not by a long shot. Maybe it's that obvious that even my cat is picking up on my feelings.

 

[sancsuinet]

I feel this, I feel very out of place here. I have had consistient suicidal ideation since I was 12, but I still cant commit. Constantly thinking about it, but I dont feel the same certainty everyone here seems to, but obviously because Im here I feel some sense of certainty?