[Explanation] Why "You're not a failure!" and other similar statements doesn't help but rather makes me feel worse

[TAW122]

I'm sure many of you have heard this before, whether it is online or IRL. I certainly have my fair share of this and in the recent years, I find it more annoying than anything. This is due to the fact that self-deprecation is a way to cope (for some people, myself included) through a mistake or error. For example, if I made a very novice, obvious dumb mistake, I would sometimes self-deprecate and call myself "stupid", "incompetent", "dumb", or exclaim, "I'm an idiot!" This is just my way to reacting and responding to the mistake, especially if I know and feel that it should NOT have happened, but did anyways, I become surprised, shocked, and annoyed. However, the people around me would just counter-interject (counter-ject) what I said and just spread some uplifting usual platitudes, which instead makes me feel more miserable and angry. I get that they just want to be 'helpful' or they must (incorrectly) believe that a compliment, condolence, or platitude would make me feel better, but they are wrong and here is why:

Whenever I make a mistake or something unexpected (that should NOT have happened) happens, I am first taken by surprise, stunned, then annoyed and feel miserable since it can be embarrassing or humiliating. Then when I react to it, I'm not saying that I'm literally a 'faillure' or that I am 'dumb' (or of low intelligence), but rather referring and attacking the mistake at hand and my own incompetence in that situation. So two things happen when someone counter-jects me by throwing uplifting platitudes and or gibberish nonsense is that it invalidates my feeling that I done wrong and it is a bit insincere such that they are trying to bring me up when I (at the time) would rather wallow in self-deprecation.

Here are some threads that explain this a bit more:

Motivational crap is evil (if it is based on false premises)

Uplifting, patronizing platitude pushers are no better than bullies

People who give platitudes or general uplifting (empty) words

Of course, some critics will claim that I would lose a lot of people who would otherwise have been 'friends' with me, that my social standing would suffer, and that I would fail with that attitude, but I disagree. I believe that if those 'people' (the platitude pushers and uplifters) are doing it, they do have a hidden agenda which is to make themselves feel 'better' by having someone they perceive as underneath and wanting to treat as a 'project' rather than accepting my own blunder as my own blunder. I get that excessive self-pity isn't going to get anywhere and that is true, but a momentary self-deprecation could be a good coping mechanism against an unexpected blunder.

 

[Peachycherry]

I agree, reassuring often comes off as pity or empty feelings. I'll have to admit I'm guilty; I'm exactly the type of person who corrects their friends with reassurance when they say self-deprecating comments. So how should I react to these types of comments instead? "You've made a mistake, but at least you've acknowledged it." ?

 

[262653]

I often used to call myself an idiot when I made mistakes, but I think it was more because my grandmother used to say that when I wasn't meeting her expectations. When others call themselves idiots, I may wonder if they were conditioned to say that about themselves, if they have internalized the repeating insults from other people. There's a Russian saying (loosely): "Call man a pig one hundred times, and he will start grunting."

Maybe I sympathize with people who were conditioned to self-depreciate themselves, and it could be somehow related to my upbringing. But yeah, it's my agenda because I'm the one who feels bad about it.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

The one statement directed at me that always makes me Really Angry is, "You are so strong." That is just their way of saying they don't know me or understand how upset I may be and they don't want to hear about whatever is bothering me. My mother used to say that to me to shut me up until I told her to never say that to me again.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Hmm, when I've had a friend call themselves a name and I've said something to them, and they didn't like me interfering, I've told them that they're talking bad about my friend. They usually get it when I say that.

I wouldn't like hearing a parent call their kid stupid for making a mistake, or someone calling their spouse stupid for making a mistake, or sibling doing it. I wouldn't take kindly to someone calling me stupid for a mistake, and I don't like my own friend calling my own friend stupid for making a mistake. It's abusive. Just because you're saying it to yourself doesn't mean it's not abusive.

So nyah!

 

[TAW122]

I agree, reassuring often comes off as pity or empty feelings. I'll have to admit I'm guilty; I'm exactly the type of person who corrects their friends with reassurance when they say self-deprecating comments. So how should I react to these types of comments instead? "You've made a mistake, but at least you've acknowledged it." ?

The latter is much better than the usual dismissive, uplifting platitude because it acknowledges that the person DID indeed make the mistake and validates what said person is thinking.

I often used to call myself an idiot when I made mistakes, but I think it was more because my grandmother used to say that when I wasn't meeting her expectations. When others call themselves idiots, I may wonder if they were conditioned to say that about themselves, if they have internalized the repeating insults from other people. There's a Russian saying (loosely): "Call man a pig one hundred times, and he will start grunting."

Maybe I sympathize with people who were conditioned to self-depreciate themselves, and it could be somehow related to my upbringing. But yeah, it's my agenda because I'm the one who feels bad about it.

That's an interesting statement about a Russian adage. I think that may be what is called a "self-fulfilling prophecy" and similarly the Rosenhan effect, meaning that if someone believes something enough, he/she will go through a constant feedback loop that eventually makes what he/she believes and perceives to become true. As for the latter, similar concept, if someone is treated as xyz which xyz could represent whatever the person being perceived is treated as, then said person will become xyz or at least similar.

The one statement directed at me that always makes me Really Angry is, "You are so strong." That is just their way of saying they don't know me or understand how upset I may be and they don't want to hear about whatever is bothering me. My mother used to say that to me to shut me up until I told her to never say that to me again.

Oh, I've gotten that numerous times before. It's downright dismissive and patronizing too. How you described it sums it up very well. People don't really want to "know" let alone care about what goes on and why you are 'miserable'. Instead they only care about not being bothered and that you (proverbial) don't CTB as CTB'ing ruins their perception of a beautiful life.

Hmm, when I've had a friend call themselves a name and I've said something to them, and they didn't like me interfering, I've told them that they're talking bad about my friend. They usually get it when I say that.

I wouldn't like hearing a parent call their kid stupid for making a mistake, or someone calling their spouse stupid for making a mistake, or sibling doing it. I wouldn't take kindly to someone calling me stupid for a mistake, and I don't like my own friend calling my own friend stupid for making a mistake. It's abusive. Just because you're saying it to yourself doesn't mean it's not abusive.

So nyah!

I see your point and I guess it would depend on the person. Most people out there (the majority of people) don't see it as an insult or dismissive tactic but more like a saying and a nicety since they aren't really super self-aware and self-conscious like a lot of people on here, so they just see it as social protocol, social etiquette. Of course, most people in this world are neurotypical so perhaps that might be why, but that's another topic for another time.