Story Explanation of my wanting to CTB over social ineptness, Aspergers, and mistreatment by others (includes stories and examples)

[TAW122]

In my other thread that lists all the current reasons I have for wanting to CTB, I am going to explain and elaborate on the troubles I had in day to day life (still on-going to this day and will likely be that way for the rest of my life). Mainly these are reasons #1, #4, and #7 respectively. Though reason #1 caused a lot of problems, which is my Aspergers condition and my social awkwardness ineptness that resulted in #4 (people's bad behavior, lies, and even attempts to gaslight me - as a result of my condition and also just doesn't fit me.) and #7 (not being able to "get over" certain things and just 'accept' the wrongs, injustices towards me.)

So here are some stories and examples of what I mean:

Story #1:
Growing up as a millennial, during my earlier years of childhood and even parts of adolescence, there wasn't much of the Internet and social media, it barely existed. However, I noticed that people just didn't really want to truly be my friend, barring maybe a pity friend or when they feel sorry or obligated to. I wasn't really a part of another group or really belonged anywhere and what not. I didn't really pay much attention to others' reactions nor behaviors until I got older. My Aspergers and social anxiety, ineptness has done countless amounts of damage throughout my years and still to this day. So with that said, it was about my college freshman year. I didn't really have many people who wanted to befriend me, didn't know where and how to start, what the social norms and rules are, basically I'm so socially inept that I couldn't really make (genuine) friends like most people do. Then on Facebook, I noticed that there were some people who added me and for some time I (naively) thought they were friends, but turns out, they aren't and over time, quietly, they deleted me and acted like nothing happened. If I tried to bring it up, I get dumb answers, ignorance, and even flat out got told to just "get over it". There was one time someone ghosted and deleted me, then 'lied' about accidentally deleting me (I couldn't prove he lied, but he couldn't prove didn't either, it's a mess, but whatever...), when in fact that guy just didn't want anything to do with me. The same happened with various others and I simply just couldn't be a part of others' groups or had many people with me. I then had the notion that people suck and they do that on social media and then act stupid as a way to de-escalate and detract from the issue at hand. Also what people aren't willing to say or do IRL, they are willing to do online, behind the safety of a computer screen and virtual world (the Internet). I figured that if they are like this online, then offline they are like this too, they don't hide it well. In short, what I mean is that people are what they are for the most part and this one guy (just one example out of many) doesn't like me and decides to play dumb when confronted.

Story #2:
I was playing an online game (redacted due to privacy reasons and protecting myself) and then there was this player who was nice to me and she related to me for a while. She was friendly and overall was a pleasant person to be with. She empathized with my struggles, but it wasn't long until she suddenly just decided to delete me and just disappear (for no reason. Also fyi, I am not dating her, she is just an online friend whom I'd befriended.). I questioned whether I done anything wrong and I couldn't think of anything I said or done to her. But to make matters even worse, that bitch just straight up went to my Facebook hobby page (not my profile) and put in some false report, thus causing my hobby page to get taken down. I was furious, sad, and had a lot more suicide fuel in me that time, but I was powerless, I couldn't do shit about it. The content is just 'gone' and lost. She isn't the first one nor will she be the last to burn me and fuck me over online and IRL.

Story #3:
Fast forward a few years later, it was the year 2016 and things have been rather shitty for me then as well. So there was a instructor at an uni (I was going for my Master's degree at that time) that decided to rat on me for some incident (whatever it is, is not relevant, it's what happened and how things were handled that bothered me most). So as a result, one week after that instructor reported her concerns over me, I got an email from the Dean of Students over that. The email was innocuous and rather 'deceptive' as it stated that I wasn't in trouble (which is untrue and not clear), that it treated everyone the same (which is also false and untrue), and that they just wanted to talk to me (also false, it was more of an interrogation). So after I responded to said email, the Dean of Students was in charge and decided to speak to me. However, when I first went in, things were so wrong. The first thing the Dean did was say that "they received some report from some instructor (which I knew) about my behavior or something" and there were two reports (but it was only one person, couldn't have been two - unless that instructor filed TWO reports against me for one incident) thus he had to have a meeting to discuss it. He started off by questioning me about the incident and I spoke candidly (and also expressed that I never meant harm in any way). I was rather pissed off about how the email was deceptive, claimed that I wasn't in trouble, and that they sent it to everyone (both of which were false as I was the ONLY person or rather few people who got called in for a potential disciplinary meeting). I fired back by saying that I was unhappy about being lied to and what not. He asked more questions and then told me to behave myself better and that was pretty much it. Nothing more came out of the situation. In a sense, I dodged a bullet (metaphorically), but the way things were handled really angered and upsetted me. It broke my trust for humanity and just people in general. I was going between super depressed to super infuriated for a few months and if it wasn't for some good event end of 2016, early 2017, I'd probably end up getting some 'revenge', but that's a whole another story.

Ultimately, this is one such major reason(s) that I am going to go CTB over and while I may not control how others treat me, react to me, or think about me, I CAN control how long I am willing to suffer the lies, the deception, the mistreatment, and all the bullshit. Life isn't fair, but at the least I can end it and never have to deal with it. The score may be uneven, but that matters not after my passing. Also, keep in mind it is not just one person, nor one individual, nor just a singular event, but rather a collection of all the ills and wrongs throughout my whole life. I'm just tired of all this bullshit (and many more to come in the coming decades) so this is one of the few major reasons for my wanting to CTB, just to avoid all this future suffering and bullshit. I might not be able to win arguments against them nor prevent the shitty things they do to me, but at least I can control how long I wish to suffer in this (unjust, illogical, bullshit, crazy) world. I have also reached my limit of tolerating all this bullshit and I'm just so done. That is the conclusion that I have arrived at. (Note: I am not CTB'ing yet, but just explaining my reasoning in this thread.)

I just want to make this clear. I did not arrive at this conclusion impulsively, so if/when I decide to CTB, and people think that "TAW122 CTB'd over (insert one incident or just one reason)!" then they are very naive and short sighted. It is a culmination of all the microaggressions I've suffered throughout my life, all the social failures, all the wrongs, and everything else, that has lead me to this conclusion.

 

[Shinbu]

Life isn't fair that's so true. I'm sorry of what happened at your uni, and what your online friend did to your hobby page on FB. What kind of hobby page was it?, and what online game were you playing?. If you don't mind sharing. I've been backstabbed I know how that feels. I had fake friends irl who started trash talking to me after we agreed to play together on cod. Well on the mic they started saying I was weird for being always quiet at school, and that I'm so strange, and ugly. At least one of those boys apologized to me as we got older in age, and the other boy well no he didn't, I never seen the other boy again since I stopped having ESL (English Second Language) plus that boy was a lower grade so I guess it would be hard for the boy to apologize to me, and I deleted him on my friend list on Playstation, after I learnt about self respect from my parents. The boy who apologized said it always bothered him that he did that to me. I didn't become friends with that guy again, but I did appreciate the apology. They both took advantage of me. I didn't have any ounce of self respect back then. I was the perfect target for them. I don't know how I dealt with their constant verbal abuse. Because I do remember trying to still be friends with them after they disrespected me on cod. They loved it, and kept making me feel like shit. I thought that was what friends do. The friend thing, and self respect was so foreign to me back then.

 

[Zoltiel]

Social ineptness is one of the biggest curses one can receive in life. I'm sure it's one of the main reasons for a lot of people's CTB. I'm sorry all this happened to you, I hope you find peace soon.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Wow, thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry you are unable to brush off things like what happened at university, that it felt and still feels so big. It's not that you don't want to let things go, it's that you can't.

Your sharing helped to curb my reactivity to others which I have been working on for a long time. I try to remind myself I do not know why others act the way they do, to pull back from my judging and make space for them being human, flawed, and as worthy of consideration as I am. Your sharing made others even more human for me. Thank you.

If you're okay with hugs, I send you one. If not, feel free to take it back and exchange it for something that will make you feel comforted and valued.

 

[Mm80]

In my other thread that lists all the current reasons I have for wanting to CTB, I am going to explain and elaborate on the troubles I had in day to day life (still on-going to this day and will likely be that way for the rest of my life). Mainly these are reasons #1, #4, and #7 respectively. Though reason #1 caused a lot of problems, which is my Aspergers condition and my social awkwardness ineptness that resulted in #4 (people's bad behavior, lies, and even attempts to gaslight me - as a result of my condition and also just doesn't fit me.) and #7 (not being able to "get over" certain things and just 'accept' the wrongs, injustices towards me.)

So here are some stories and examples of what I mean:

Story #1:
Growing up as a millennial, during my earlier years of childhood and even parts of adolescence, there wasn't much of the Internet and social media, it barely existed. However, I noticed that people just didn't really want to truly be my friend, barring maybe a pity friend or when they feel sorry or obligated to. I wasn't really a part of another group or really belonged anywhere and what not. I didn't really pay much attention to others' reactions nor behaviors until I got older. My Aspergers and social anxiety, ineptness has done countless amounts of damage throughout my years and still to this day. So with that said, it was about my college freshman year. I didn't really have many people who wanted to befriend me, didn't know where and how to start, what the social norms and rules are, basically I'm so socially inept that I couldn't really make (genuine) friends like most people do. Then on Facebook, I noticed that there were some people who added me and for some time I (naively) thought they were friends, but turns out, they aren't and over time, quietly, they deleted me and acted like nothing happened. If I tried to bring it up, I get dumb answers, ignorance, and even flat out got told to just "get over it". There was one time someone ghosted and deleted me, then 'lied' about accidentally deleting me (I couldn't prove he lied, but he couldn't prove didn't either, it's a mess, but whatever...), when in fact that guy just didn't want anything to do with me. The same happened with various others and I simply just couldn't be a part of others' groups or had many people with me. I then had the notion that people suck and they do that on social media and then act stupid as a way to de-escalate and detract from the issue at hand. Also what people aren't willing to say or do IRL, they are willing to do online, behind the safety of a computer screen and virtual world (the Internet). I figured that if they are like this online, then offline they are like this too, they don't hide it well. In short, what I mean is that people are what they are for the most part and this one guy (just one example out of many) doesn't like me and decides to play dumb when confronted.

Story #2:
I was playing an online game (redacted due to privacy reasons and protecting myself) and then there was this player who was nice to me and she related to me for a while. She was friendly and overall was a pleasant person to be with. She empathized with my struggles, but it wasn't long until she suddenly just decided to delete me and just disappear (for no reason. Also fyi, I am not dating her, she is just an online friend whom I'd befriended.). I questioned whether I done anything wrong and I couldn't think of anything I said or done to her. But to make matters even worse, that bitch just straight up went to my Facebook hobby page (not my profile) and put in some false report, thus causing my hobby page to get taken down. I was furious, sad, and had a lot more suicide fuel in me that time, but I was powerless, I couldn't do shit about it. The content is just 'gone' and lost. She isn't the first one nor will she be the last to burn me and fuck me over online and IRL.

Story #3:
Fast forward a few years later, it was the year 2016 and things have been rather shitty for me then as well. So there was a instructor at an uni (I was going for my Master's degree at that time) that decided to rat on me for some incident (whatever it is, is not relevant, it's what happened and how things were handled that bothered me most). So as a result, one week after that instructor reported her concerns over me, I got an email from the Dean of Students over that. The email was innocuous and rather 'deceptive' as it stated that I wasn't in trouble (which is untrue and not clear), that it treated everyone the same (which is also false and untrue), and that they just wanted to talk to me (also false, it was more of an interrogation). So after I responded to said email, the Dean of Students was in charge and decided to speak to me. However, when I first went in, things were so wrong. The first thing the Dean did was say that "they received some report from some instructor (which I knew) about my behavior or something" and there were two reports (but it was only one person, couldn't have been two - unless that instructor filed TWO reports against me for one incident) thus he had to have a meeting to discuss it. He started off by questioning me about the incident and I spoke candidly (and also expressed that I never meant harm in any way). I was rather pissed off about how the email was deceptive, claimed that I wasn't in trouble, and that they sent it to everyone (both of which were false as I was the ONLY person or rather few people who got called in for a potential disciplinary meeting). I fired back by saying that I was unhappy about being lied to and what not. He asked more questions and then told me to behave myself better and that was pretty much it. Nothing more came out of the situation. In a sense, I dodged a bullet (metaphorically), but the way things were handled really angered and upsetted me. It broke my trust for humanity and just people in general. I was going between super depressed to super infuriated for a few months and if it wasn't for some good event end of 2016, early 2017, I'd probably end up getting some 'revenge', but that's a whole another story.

Ultimately, this is one such major reason(s) that I am going to go CTB over and while I may not control how others treat me, react to me, or think about me, I CAN control how long I am willing to suffer the lies, the deception, the mistreatment, and all the bullshit. Life isn't fair, but at the least I can end it and never have to deal with it. The score may be uneven, but that matters not after my passing. Also, keep in mind it is not just one person, nor one individual, nor just a singular event, but rather a collection of all the ills and wrongs throughout my whole life. I'm just tired of all this bullshit (and many more to come in the coming decades) so this is one of the few major reasons for my wanting to CTB, just to avoid all this future suffering and bullshit. I might not be able to win arguments against them nor prevent the shitty things they do to me, but at least I can control how long I wish to suffer in this (unjust, illogical, bullshit, crazy) world. I have also reached my limit of tolerating all this bullshit and I'm just so done. That is the conclusion that I have arrived at. (Note: I am not CTB'ing yet, but just explaining my reasoning in this thread.)

I just want to make this clear. I did not arrive at this conclusion impulsively, so if/when I decide to CTB, and people think that "TAW122 CTB'd over (insert one incident or just one reason)!" then they are very naive and short sighted. It is a culmination of all the microaggressions I've suffered throughout my life, all the social failures, all the wrongs, and everything else, that has lead me to this conclusion.

Such an honest and well explained post. As ive said on previous posts im about to get the result on aspergers and i and people around me think i have got it. Your experiences of thinking people were friends and werent resonates so much. I think generally aspies are socially naive, trusting, loving people. We dont get involved with the horrible ways of the world but get trampled on in the process of trying to live in it. We also have a strong sense of fairness and social justice (all just my opinionsof course)and i simply cannot get over some of the unfair rejections i have experienced maybe like yourself..i would say i feel your pain but i think you are past that. I think you have just had enough, and if so, i totally sympathise xx

 

[TAW122]

@Shinbu I'm sorry that you went through hell. I've had a rough childhood too and I had my fair share of being bullied (especially middle school and early high school).

@Zoltiel Yes, this is one of my major reasons, I have a few other major reasons as well, but that's in another topic and/or I'd make another topic for that other discussion.

@GoodPersonEffed I actually like hugs, both IRL and online.

@Mm80 Thanks for the compliment. Yes, I'm pretty much tired and have come to terms that there is little I can do but suffer, so it is only a matter of time before I put an end to my own misery and suffering.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

In my other thread that lists all the current reasons I have for wanting to CTB, I am going to explain and elaborate on the troubles I had in day to day life (still on-going to this day and will likely be that way for the rest of my life). Mainly these are reasons #1, #4, and #7 respectively. Though reason #1 caused a lot of problems, which is my Aspergers condition and my social awkwardness ineptness that resulted in #4 (people's bad behavior, lies, and even attempts to gaslight me - as a result of my condition and also just doesn't fit me.) and #7 (not being able to "get over" certain things and just 'accept' the wrongs, injustices towards me.)

So here are some stories and examples of what I mean:

Story #1:
Growing up as a millennial, during my earlier years of childhood and even parts of adolescence, there wasn't much of the Internet and social media, it barely existed. However, I noticed that people just didn't really want to truly be my friend, barring maybe a pity friend or when they feel sorry or obligated to. I wasn't really a part of another group or really belonged anywhere and what not. I didn't really pay much attention to others' reactions nor behaviors until I got older. My Aspergers and social anxiety, ineptness has done countless amounts of damage throughout my years and still to this day. So with that said, it was about my college freshman year. I didn't really have many people who wanted to befriend me, didn't know where and how to start, what the social norms and rules are, basically I'm so socially inept that I couldn't really make (genuine) friends like most people do. Then on Facebook, I noticed that there were some people who added me and for some time I (naively) thought they were friends, but turns out, they aren't and over time, quietly, they deleted me and acted like nothing happened. If I tried to bring it up, I get dumb answers, ignorance, and even flat out got told to just "get over it". There was one time someone ghosted and deleted me, then 'lied' about accidentally deleting me (I couldn't prove he lied, but he couldn't prove didn't either, it's a mess, but whatever...), when in fact that guy just didn't want anything to do with me. The same happened with various others and I simply just couldn't be a part of others' groups or had many people with me. I then had the notion that people suck and they do that on social media and then act stupid as a way to de-escalate and detract from the issue at hand. Also what people aren't willing to say or do IRL, they are willing to do online, behind the safety of a computer screen and virtual world (the Internet). I figured that if they are like this online, then offline they are like this too, they don't hide it well. In short, what I mean is that people are what they are for the most part and this one guy (just one example out of many) doesn't like me and decides to play dumb when confronted.

Story #2:
I was playing an online game (redacted due to privacy reasons and protecting myself) and then there was this player who was nice to me and she related to me for a while. She was friendly and overall was a pleasant person to be with. She empathized with my struggles, but it wasn't long until she suddenly just decided to delete me and just disappear (for no reason. Also fyi, I am not dating her, she is just an online friend whom I'd befriended.). I questioned whether I done anything wrong and I couldn't think of anything I said or done to her. But to make matters even worse, that bitch just straight up went to my Facebook hobby page (not my profile) and put in some false report, thus causing my hobby page to get taken down. I was furious, sad, and had a lot more suicide fuel in me that time, but I was powerless, I couldn't do shit about it. The content is just 'gone' and lost. She isn't the first one nor will she be the last to burn me and fuck me over online and IRL.

Story #3:
Fast forward a few years later, it was the year 2016 and things have been rather shitty for me then as well. So there was a instructor at an uni (I was going for my Master's degree at that time) that decided to rat on me for some incident (whatever it is, is not relevant, it's what happened and how things were handled that bothered me most). So as a result, one week after that instructor reported her concerns over me, I got an email from the Dean of Students over that. The email was innocuous and rather 'deceptive' as it stated that I wasn't in trouble (which is untrue and not clear), that it treated everyone the same (which is also false and untrue), and that they just wanted to talk to me (also false, it was more of an interrogation). So after I responded to said email, the Dean of Students was in charge and decided to speak to me. However, when I first went in, things were so wrong. The first thing the Dean did was say that "they received some report from some instructor (which I knew) about my behavior or something" and there were two reports (but it was only one person, couldn't have been two - unless that instructor filed TWO reports against me for one incident) thus he had to have a meeting to discuss it. He started off by questioning me about the incident and I spoke candidly (and also expressed that I never meant harm in any way). I was rather pissed off about how the email was deceptive, claimed that I wasn't in trouble, and that they sent it to everyone (both of which were false as I was the ONLY person or rather few people who got called in for a potential disciplinary meeting). I fired back by saying that I was unhappy about being lied to and what not. He asked more questions and then told me to behave myself better and that was pretty much it. Nothing more came out of the situation. In a sense, I dodged a bullet (metaphorically), but the way things were handled really angered and upsetted me. It broke my trust for humanity and just people in general. I was going between super depressed to super infuriated for a few months and if it wasn't for some good event end of 2016, early 2017, I'd probably end up getting some 'revenge', but that's a whole another story.

Ultimately, this is one such major reason(s) that I am going to go CTB over and while I may not control how others treat me, react to me, or think about me, I CAN control how long I am willing to suffer the lies, the deception, the mistreatment, and all the bullshit. Life isn't fair, but at the least I can end it and never have to deal with it. The score may be uneven, but that matters not after my passing. Also, keep in mind it is not just one person, nor one individual, nor just a singular event, but rather a collection of all the ills and wrongs throughout my whole life. I'm just tired of all this bullshit (and many more to come in the coming decades) so this is one of the few major reasons for my wanting to CTB, just to avoid all this future suffering and bullshit. I might not be able to win arguments against them nor prevent the shitty things they do to me, but at least I can control how long I wish to suffer in this (unjust, illogical, bullshit, crazy) world. I have also reached my limit of tolerating all this bullshit and I'm just so done. That is the conclusion that I have arrived at. (Note: I am not CTB'ing yet, but just explaining my reasoning in this thread.)

I just want to make this clear. I did not arrive at this conclusion impulsively, so if/when I decide to CTB, and people think that "TAW122 CTB'd over (insert one incident or just one reason)!" then they are very naive and short sighted. It is a culmination of all the microaggressions I've suffered throughout my life, all the social failures, all the wrongs, and everything else, that has lead me to this conclusion.

"...Ultimately, this is one such major reason(s) that I am going to go CTB over and while I may not control how others treat me, react to me, or think about me, I CAN control how long I am willing to suffer the lies, the deception, the mistreatment, and all the bullshit. Life isn't fair, but at the least I can end it and never have to deal with it..." <<<<<< Amen to this sister!!! I am right here with you. In a life that tells us that we need to "take a lickin and keep on ticking" can tick themselves to hell! A person can only take so much! I love the term "microagressions" a perfect way to describe an experince of death by a million enotional paper cuts...

 

[boredtodeath]

I know what its like to be ghosted/betrayed by people you considered a friend. it hurts a lot... and the fact that someone you care about can choose to leave your life whenever they want scares me. being autistic sucks man... being met with polite indifference everywhere you turn. it gets exhausting and its not fair. if you ever want to talk to me, feel free to message and we can talk about life or whatever.

 

[chris8000]

Thank you for sharing this post and I'm sorry to hear your suffering. It is quite interesting to hear a larger part of your story instead of little bits here and there, I can relate to some of this. I had social problems more when I was younger, and although I cannot compare your condition with mine because experience is subjective, I did actually find ways of effectively dealing with these, eventually. I never went to the doctor or anything about this.

These went on all through my higher education, up until perhaps mid twenties, and yeah, even now, I am still a bit... different, but that's fine with me. Is is interesting, that the brain continues to develop until about mid twenties. However, the main way, I personally learnt to resolve/ improve these issues was using tools like meditation and Qi-gong, as unusual as this sounds, they made a massive difference to my quality of life and changed my personality for the better.

Even though you have a social problem, you come across as one of the more polite and kind hearted members here, and I haven't found you difficult to deal with at all. When I read your posts you come across as intelligent as well, and I assume that, if you choose to do so, you could find some way of applying those abilities to help society and other people.

If you decide to blow your brains out, this is of course your decision, but I like to see people turn around personally and live good lives where possible. I wouldn't like to comment on how possible this is for you and I know things must be terrible, but I still hope there is a chance and wish you the best .

 

[TAW122]

@Crushed_Innocence Thanks for your compliment. I am partially inspired by Wilkes McDermid's note where he talked how the injustices in the dating world and how he couldn't change it. (Side note: Yes, the way the dating market was at a time, a small reason to my wanting to CTB as well, but insignificant now.). Sure if I had other copes and other good things going for me, then I may stay, but I have many other reasons too, those of which are in other threads or would make another thread about it.

@boredtodeath Thanks for the kind words and yes, I will consider it. Also, yes, there is a part of me while growing up that I wished I was like most other people. That is a life and a road I never took (nor was able to take) and sometimes I wondered whether I'd be where I'd be today had I taken that road instead. It's ironic how people say that being different is unique, cool, and then even encourage that, but then behind closed doors, they judge and distance themselves from people who are different and discriminate against them.

@chris8000 Yeah, I'm pretty much exhausted at this point. Will it possibly get better? It could, but even then I have to ask myself, "How likely is it?" and "Is it worth the trouble?", after my own conclusions, I found that it's unlikely given how things have played out (I reasonably believe that it is unlikely that there will be suddenly a major change and even if there is, the amount of time and effort expended simply isn't worth it in my opinion.). I have lived to almost 30 years of age (will be 30 later this year), and I know what is ahead of life and don't look forward to it.

 

[Quarky00]

I like the fact that even though you know those people were wrong and acting badly, you still 'blame' your ineptness (Aspergers). I'm sure it's both and your description was fair, but what I read was an indictment of society. (rather than "thrw_a_way1221221 issues")

I wonder if your social anxiety would have still been so debilitating had you were treated kindly by others .

Where are we living? When people lie, ghost, lash out, act hypocritically, ridicule?

It was always tough and unfair, most of us have heard (if not experienced) bullying. But it seems worse in recent decades, culture changed and it had become okay to be rude (to say the least).

Sorry for jumping like this

 

[TAW122]

I think it is sorta both, yes. This is because society (vast majority of it at least) is catered towards NT (neurotypicals), basically non-autistic people at least from my experiences so I don't expect them for change to fit 'me'. As far as whether my social anxiety would have been worse if I had been treated kindly, it may help, but there is no guarantee and I can't say with a definite answer because I am too damaged from all the years of rejection, abuse, and outright mistreatment (and still more mistreatment by others to come). As far as the culture changing to become more acceptable to be rude, cold, distant, and what not, yes I would say that is sadly the new norm. Hence checking out before it gets worse would seem to be a logical option.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Thanks for the story. It was very interesting to read.
I'm having an autism assessment next week.
As someone who grew up with extreme social awkwardness I can relate to much of this.
I cured it with beer! Now I'm reaping the rewards at 47.

 

[chris8000]

Thanks for the story. It was very interesting to read.
I'm having an autism assessment next week.
As someone who grew up with extreme social awkwardness I can relate to much of this.
I cured it with beer! Now I'm reaping the rewards at 47.

Haha yeah beer works, and drugs... that was my method for many years. I can't say it was the best method, but it was a lot of fun.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Haha yeah beer works, and drugs... that was my method for many years. I can't say it was the best method, but it was a lot of fun.

It was fun but it's not now

 

[Mm80]

It was fun but it's not now

I certainly agree with the beer. It masks social awkwerdness and anxiety. Problem for me is that you reach a certain age and realise you havent progressed in life whilst those around you have built lives.

I think it is sorta both, yes. This is because society (vast majority of it at least) is catered towards NT (neurotypicals), basically non-autistic people at least from my experiences so I don't expect them for change to fit 'me'. As far as whether my social anxiety would have been worse if I had been treated kindly, it may help, but there is no guarantee and I can't say with a definite answer because I am too damaged from all the years of rejection, abuse, and outright mistreatment (and still more mistreatment by others to come). As far as the culture changing to become more acceptable to be rude, cold, distant, and what not, yes I would say that is sadly the new norm. Hence checking out before it gets worse would seem to be a logical option.

In your opinion do you think life can be fulfilling with aspergers or is it a curse?
Thanks

 

[TAW122]

In regards to alcohol and beer as coping, I don't consider those as options since I'm not a drinker and don't really enjoy the feeling of drunkenness. I also have reached a certain age where I'm rather behind my peers in doing what I need to do and still struggling to get by (financially and what not). While my parents are generous to let me stay until I get back on my feet, I got other issues going on that makes my life hell (including all the ones in this thread).

@Mm80 As for your question, it really depends on several factors. Life with Aspergers can be fulfilling if you are one of the few people who have made major strides in the world, are really successful in many other facets in life (relationships, career, hobbies, and more). However, for most people with Aspergers, we don't really live amazing lives, contrary to what media and society would have you to believe. Personally, it is a curse to me because not only does it affect my quality of life especially relationships and social interactions very negatively, it has also hindered me in many ways as well, leading me to fuck up things that most people tend to learn and get right. So, no I don't Aspergers is helpful for me. I may be just slightly smarter than the average person, but not "genius" by any stretch of the definition. I have many other reasons too as to why I'm CTB'ing. If I only had social issues, Aspergers, and the mistreatment by others, but no other problems, then perhaps I 'might' stay and cope for quite a bit longer, however, that is simply not the case. I have many other comorbidities such as anxiety and depression (depressive realist), and what not. My physical health isn't stellar either, I don't have the stamina I used to and am feeling physically weaker than when I was a bit younger. I could go on, but these are really the things pushing me towards CTB, not to mention I suppose I have been damaged so much that I have this air of misanthropy towards humanity (not at individuals and what not).

Also another thing is how people treat me like a child, lecture me, patronize me, and treat me as if I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's so degrading and disrespectful. If I can't change how they think, react, treat me, at least I can change how much I am willing to suffer in this world. I can't stop them from lying or deceiving me, nor gaslighting and silencing me, but I can be dead such that it would no longer be a problem. Death to me would be my permanent solution to a permanent and ongoing, chronic problem.

 

[Mm80]

In regards to alcohol and beer as coping, I don't consider those as options since I'm not a drinker and don't really enjoy the feeling of drunkenness. I also have reached a certain age where I'm rather behind my peers in doing what I need to do and still struggling to get by (financially and what not). While my parents are generous to let me stay until I get back on my feet, I got other issues going on that makes my life hell (including all the ones in this thread).

@Mm80 As for your question, it really depends on several factors. Life with Aspergers can be fulfilling if you are one of the few people who have made major strides in the world, are really successful in many other facets in life (relationships, career, hobbies, and more). However, for most people with Aspergers, we don't really live amazing lives, contrary to what media and society would have you to believe. Personally, it is a curse to me because not only does it affect my quality of life especially relationships and social interactions very negatively, it has also hindered me in many ways as well, leading me to fuck up things that most people tend to learn and get right. So, no I don't Aspergers is helpful for me. I may be just slightly smarter than the average person, but not "genius" by any stretch of the definition. I have many other reasons too as to why I'm CTB'ing. If I only had social issues, Aspergers, and the mistreatment by others, but no other problems, then perhaps I 'might' stay and cope for quite a bit longer, however, that is simply not the case. I have many other comorbidities such as anxiety and depression (depressive realist), and what not. My physical health isn't stellar either, I don't have the stamina I used to and am feeling physically weaker than when I was a bit younger. I could go on, but these are really the things pushing me towards CTB, not to mention I suppose I have been damaged so much that I have this air of misanthropy towards humanity (not at individuals and what not).

Also another thing is how people treat me like a child, lecture me, patronize me, and treat me as if I don't know what the hell I'm doing. It's so degrading and disrespectful. If I can't change how they think, react, treat me, at least I can change how much I am willing to suffer in this world. I can't stop them from lying or deceiving me, nor gaslighting and silencing me, but I can be dead such that it would no longer be a problem. Death to me would be my permanent solution to a permanent and ongoing, chronic problem.
[/QUOTE
Almost seems such a shame that someone who is so articulate and intelligent is likely to leave the world. I agree with you o the aspergers as being a curse. It makes me laugh when people tell me bill gares and einstein had it. Like its a positive. Most of us have a slighyly higher iq but it doesnt make us einstein lol. Id rather be dumb, have a simple mind and be good at socialising and being normal. And before anyone says there is no such thing as normal... there is and society has created it, its simply the way most neurotypical people live. I see it as a death sentence and sadly in a spiteful sense i want to get the diagnosis in a couple of weeks, give the middle fi ger to the ignorant fuckers who wrote me off as weird or arrogant, and then ctb, which im preparing for. X

 

[TAW122]

Oh another thing I wanted to add is that I've explained as much as I can for my reasoning and there is simply just some things that I can't explain in words (maybe there is a way, but I don't know how..). It pretty much requires just experiencing it to understand it. It's more along the lines of how people perceive and treat me, and yes, it does affect my day to day life.

To answer another question which is if (from this point on) people started to treat me better, like the way they should have treated me, would I have recovered and not wanted to CTB. The answer is that no, the damage has already been done and even if there is some repair, it won't ever fully heal to be full/whole again. Even the effort and investment required is just not worth it, it would be, at best, a pyrrhic victory. I'm really just biding my time until my end, later this year.

 

[TAW122]

(Additional information to original post and previous post)
One other realization is that I'm not fit for this world (in addition to the fact that I am dealing with Aspergers, social ineptness, and just generally unpopular, unliked by many), is that no matter what I do, I'm just invisible for the most part, then there are people (most times) are either patronizing, superficial, and/or just meh at best. I'm sick of the lies that people say "well not everyone is like that" or any bullshit like "just be yourself", it's already so cliche to the point that I don't need to be super intelligent to figure out that it's trite and banal statements. I mean, there is no right answer, but if I could choose, I'd wished I was born like most other people just so I can connect to others, feel wanted, feel related, and what not. I don't see Aspergers or the above average intelligence as 'a gift' contrary to what most people see it as. I mean, sure there are some things that I do better than others, struggle less than others, but still those aren't enough to make my quality of life (day to day) worth living.

From my Story #1 in the original post, I mentioned about the Facebook friends example, and just to clarify, this is just one of the many examples (there are so many more other ones too) of people rejecting, micro-aggressions, and what not. Of course, I didn't just call them out, it wouldn't change a damn thing and in fact, only makes me look even worse, creates more drama than needed. Let's not even get started on how people misunderstand me and just react instead of listening or even reading first (another story and topic altogether). Just from my own person experiences and understanding, how one person responds and behaves online is a good indicator of whether they are close IRL or "really" care about another. I know people will retort with "but it's Facebook, it doesn't matter!", "People online aren't the same as IRL!", but they are missing the point. The point is that if someone is a good friend IRL and/or really cares about a person, they wouldn't be resorting to micro-aggressions, they wouldn't ghost (and later quietly delete/de-friend/remove) and then act like nothing happened. I think a real friend would be someone who cares and makes some 'effort' to reach out and initiate contact (not a one way thing). Another sign is that these people would not have an ulterior motive, such as a religious proselytizer seeking to convert someone or someone who pities another person and out of pity, deliberately befriends said person just to show off their virtuous signals. Basically, someone who wants to befriend and be with the person because they want to, out of their heart, true interest, not for ulterior motives, pity, or self-serving purposes. Therefore, what happens online is IN FACT an fairly accurate indicator of how they treat another in person, contrary to what people believe or say (at least from my personal experiences).

Mind you, I don't expect the world to cater to me, nor people to just change just for me, or even be handled anything really. I know that I'm not entitled to anything nor do I expect anything. I also don't want pity and sympathy (though empathy is nice). After living for over 29 years on this planet, in this world, it's obvious that things aren't going to change-- my Aspergers will still be there, people will still have some preconceived notions and actions towards me (I can't control them, only myself and how I respond to it), and of course, from previous experience and knowing my situation for what it is; it is not likely to improve. Even in the rare circumstances that it does, I don't find it to be justifiably worth it (in my eyes) due to the time, effort, and resources spent on it. People just don't understand nor would they bother "to understand".

So now, it's just a matter of time until I CTB and copes until that day comes.

 

[Ange_Fatigue]

(Additional information to original post and previous post)
One other realization is that I'm not fit for this world (in addition to the fact that I am dealing with Aspergers, social ineptness, and just generally unpopular, unliked by many), is that no matter what I do, I'm just invisible for the most part, then there are people (most times) are either patronizing, superficial, and/or just meh at best. I'm sick of the lies that people say "well not everyone is like that" or any bullshit like "just be yourself", it's already so cliche to the point that I don't need to be super intelligent to figure out that it's trite and banal statements. I mean, there is no right answer, but if I could choose, I'd wished I was born like most other people just so I can connect to others, feel wanted, feel related, and what not. I don't see Aspergers or the above average intelligence as 'a gift' contrary to what most people see it as. I mean, sure there are some things that I do better than others, struggle less than others, but still those aren't enough to make my quality of life (day to day) worth living.

From my Story #1 in the original post, I mentioned about the Facebook friends example, and just to clarify, this is just one of the many examples (there are so many more other ones too) of people rejecting, micro-aggressions, and what not. Of course, I didn't just call them out, it wouldn't change a damn thing and in fact, only makes me look even worse, creates more drama than needed. Let's not even get started on how people misunderstand me and just react instead of listening or even reading first (another story and topic altogether). Just from my own person experiences and understanding, how one person responds and behaves online is a good indicator of whether they are close IRL or "really" care about another. I know people will retort with "but it's Facebook, it doesn't matter!", "People online aren't the same as IRL!", but they are missing the point. The point is that if someone is a good friend IRL and/or really cares about a person, they wouldn't be resorting to micro-aggressions, they wouldn't ghost (and later quietly delete/de-friend/remove) and then act like nothing happened. I think a real friend would be someone who cares and makes some 'effort' to reach out and initiate contact (not a one way thing). Another sign is that these people would not have an ulterior motive, such as a religious proselytizer seeking to convert someone or someone who pities another person and out of pity, deliberately befriends said person just to show off their virtuous signals. Basically, someone who wants to befriend and be with the person because they want to, out of their heart, true interest, not for ulterior motives, pity, or self-serving purposes. Therefore, what happens online is IN FACT an fairly accurate indicator of how they treat another in person, contrary to what people believe or say (at least from my personal experiences).

Mind you, I don't expect the world to cater to me, nor people to just change just for me, or even be handled anything really. I know that I'm not entitled to anything nor do I expect anything. I also don't want pity and sympathy (though empathy is nice). After living for over 29 years on this planet, in this world, it's obvious that things aren't going to change-- my Aspergers will still be there, people will still have some preconceived notions and actions towards me (I can't control them, only myself and how I respond to it), and of course, from previous experience and knowing my situation for what it is; it is not likely to improve. Even in the rare circumstances that it does, I don't find it to be justifiably worth it (in my eyes) due to the time, effort, and resources spent on it. People just don't understand nor would they bother "to understand".

So now, it's just a matter of time until I CTB and copes until that day comes.

I m probably walking in your shoes, as highly emotive and highly intelligent person. It s really a burden.
Feel terrible about relationships and social interactions.
It s a poisonous gift.

 

[TAW122]

I m probably walking in your shoes, as highly emotive and highly intelligent person. It s really a burden.
Feel terrible about relationships and social interactions.
It s a poisonous gift.

I agree and sometimes I wished I had less IQ points just so I can relate to people better and not have the problems I have today.

 

[Mm80]

I agree and sometimes I wished I had less IQ points just so I can relate to people better and not have the problems I have today.

Can so relate to this as someone who is likely to be diagnosed with aspergers soon. People say, you are so clever, or original. Or different. And i tell them id much rather be stupid and fit in. We are essentially social animals and without the ability to be good socially, you are missing a fundamental part of being human and destined for isolation. Sad but true