Years ago during one of my peak years, 2019 (pre-pandemic), I had come to a conclusion that I will someday CTB, and this cannot be more true than ever. During such a time, I had the opportunity to reflect on the future and what I forsee in the coming years. The prognosis looked grim not just in my personal life but in the world in general (which in turn, does and will affect my life itself too).
There was a member I remember fondly and was close to him, @TiredHorse and the last time I had any interaction with him was in August 2019 or so before he was no longer around. He either CTB, found peace, recovered, or just went away, but I periodically asked about him when I was a member on SS. Many of us may have known him as the person who made the Exit Bag and Inert Gas megathread. Anyways, me and him were pretty close and he understood my rationale and prognosis, outlook for the future. It is indeed quite grim and if the pandemic, world events, and not withstanding one's personal struggles on top of everything isn't proof that living is worse than non-existence then I don't know what is sufficient. I really miss the guy and I don't want to be selfish so I say I hope he found peace. Anyhow so to get to my point, I discussed about my struggles (personal stuff) as well as how the world is turning more and more Orwellian each passing day, gradually and overtime. If anything, 2020-2022 (present) is just confirmation of my fears and concerns of how things are going (and likely to play out in the future). I don't wish to be around when those times come.
The pandemic is no exception as social norms and things have changed so greatly that life is never the same, the new normal (which a fair amount of people now accept) is something I can never come to terms with. Something is lost and will unlikely ever be obtained, reobtained again; or if so, definitely not the same as it was. In hindsight and looking back, if I had done myself in end of 2019 or very early 2020, I'd miss a lot of the things today but that's fine with me, the pleasures and gains (if any) that I have experienced between 2020 and present day 2022 isn't enough for me to justify living a long life and further kick the CTB can down the road. The CTB can stares at me strongly every passing day. The worst part is that I'm currently not in a good position to execute it (not enough privacy and access). The best time was before I had to move back home end of 2019. I do wish that I would have just done so and even if I didn't exist today that's ok with me. The loss of future pleasure is a price I'm willing to pay to avoid future pain (which is likely greater as time goes by) and going on my own terms (perhaps even with dignity - depending on method of course) is better than letting nature, or other causes do me in.
To be honest, if I were to die in the near future (end of this year or 2023 or so) and miss out future "pleasures" that is fine because no amount of future pleasures coupled with many more tormenting events and experiences will ever be worth living long term. My time to CTB is long overdue, however, now is simply not the right time yet as my circumstances haven't aligned right, even if I'm ready to go.
There was a member I remember fondly and was close to him, @TiredHorse and the last time I had any interaction with him was in August 2019 or so before he was no longer around. He either CTB, found peace, recovered, or just went away, but I periodically asked about him when I was a member on SS. Many of us may have known him as the person who made the Exit Bag and Inert Gas megathread. Anyways, me and him were pretty close and he understood my rationale and prognosis, outlook for the future. It is indeed quite grim and if the pandemic, world events, and not withstanding one's personal struggles on top of everything isn't proof that living is worse than non-existence then I don't know what is sufficient. I really miss the guy and I don't want to be selfish so I say I hope he found peace. Anyhow so to get to my point, I discussed about my struggles (personal stuff) as well as how the world is turning more and more Orwellian each passing day, gradually and overtime. If anything, 2020-2022 (present) is just confirmation of my fears and concerns of how things are going (and likely to play out in the future). I don't wish to be around when those times come.
The pandemic is no exception as social norms and things have changed so greatly that life is never the same, the new normal (which a fair amount of people now accept) is something I can never come to terms with. Something is lost and will unlikely ever be obtained, reobtained again; or if so, definitely not the same as it was. In hindsight and looking back, if I had done myself in end of 2019 or very early 2020, I'd miss a lot of the things today but that's fine with me, the pleasures and gains (if any) that I have experienced between 2020 and present day 2022 isn't enough for me to justify living a long life and further kick the CTB can down the road. The CTB can stares at me strongly every passing day. The worst part is that I'm currently not in a good position to execute it (not enough privacy and access). The best time was before I had to move back home end of 2019. I do wish that I would have just done so and even if I didn't exist today that's ok with me. The loss of future pleasure is a price I'm willing to pay to avoid future pain (which is likely greater as time goes by) and going on my own terms (perhaps even with dignity - depending on method of course) is better than letting nature, or other causes do me in.
To be honest, if I were to die in the near future (end of this year or 2023 or so) and miss out future "pleasures" that is fine because no amount of future pleasures coupled with many more tormenting events and experiences will ever be worth living long term. My time to CTB is long overdue, however, now is simply not the right time yet as my circumstances haven't aligned right, even if I'm ready to go.
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